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Not Attracted to Cheating Boyfriend

"I'm Not Sexually Attracted to My Boyfriend Since He Cheated on Me"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend admitted to having a one time sexual encounter. We have since decided to work on a relationship. His excuse was that he was out for a few after work drinks and one thing led to another with a so called "friend." OK, before our sex life was active. However, now I really no longer find him sexual attractive. It's like all that passion has went down the drain. I have not told him this. Is this a common problem to deal with after infidelity?

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testadura67 testadura67 5 years
I think it's common for infidelity to be a huge blow to the intimacy in a relationship for obvious reasons. That could be affecting your attraction to him. Only once in life have I ever tried to work it out with someone who I knew had been unfaithful, and I was physically repulsed by him for awhile afterward. I didn't get to the point where I agreed to give it another go until after that feeling had passed. Maybe you've agreed to fix the relationship before you've given yourself time to really forgive him. Spoiler alert on the guy I gave a second chance to: he cheated again. I can't get behind giving cheaters a second chance, but if that's what you really want to do here, you need to be able to forgive him. Once that happens, I don't think the attraction will be an issue.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
It's a really natural reaction you're having. All the things that went on are fresh in your mind, and his excuses probably didn't give you the closure that you needed. I absolutely agree that there needs to be a plan. As a one time cheater myself, I'm still working on atoning for it and earning trust... 5 years later, because I have a harder time forgiving myself than he does. He should not feel like what he did is excusable and he should be doing everything he can, especially as fresh as his offense is, to prove that he's worthy of you. I know our sex life dipped shortly after I admitted what I'd done and we talked about it. I got the honest but brutal answer that it was because he kept picturing me with the other guy... we split a few months after that and it's taken several years apart before we got back to normal... I'm still more insecure about my offense than he is. There is no making light of this behavior, it's a terrible thing to do to you and toxic to your relationship. I would be less worried about your sexual attraction and more worried about what he's going to do to rebuild your trust.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
So he's cheated on you, made excuses for it, and you're no longer sexually attracted to him. What is it that you want to work on? What is it you hope to gain her?. Yes, losing your trust can demolish your desire for sex. Sex starts in the brain. Your brain is saying no, no, no, no, no. Listen to your brain. Trust your instinct. Healing trust takes time, and work and his willingness to be absolutely transparent in his dealings with you. Is he willing to do that, to be transparent? To let you check up on him? Are you willing to do that? To put in the work it takes to check up? Have you two discussed how you will approach this "working on your relationship"? You need a plan, a strategy, an agreement about how you will approach mending the trust. How is he going to prove that 1) this was a one time thing, 2) it's never going to happen again. Don't use sex to fix the issue. It will only cloud things. I'd guess that you not finding him attractive will be a guage for you. And really, do you want to be in a relationship with someone you're not attacted to. Lots for you to think about. Also, get tested for stds. Be safe. Everyone whose partner cheats on them needs to be tested! Make that your first step, go from there. best of luck
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
It goes one way or another. Either you lose the sexual attraction for him, or your sex drive increases greatly. One reason for the latter is because the scorned partner is trying to fill a void to kind of give their self a huge self-esteem boost, to prove that the cheating partner desires them more than they desire the other woman. The reason for the first, no sexual attraction, is because the betrayal is still fresh in your mind. You may have forgiven him, even though you haven't yet reconciled that with your heart. You still feel betrayed and hurt and confused. It's going to take a while and lots of hard work to get the relationship back to normal. It's going to be very difficult to get the trust back, and your bf is going to have to be patient with you. And even once your relationship goes back to normal, that type of normal will never be the way it once was. The relationship is changed forever now, for better or for worse, you'll only find that out later. Good luck.
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