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Avoiding Sex With Boyfriend

"I'm Trying to Avoid Sex With My Boyfriend"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

We've had so many sexual problems. I'm 24 and he's 29. We've been dating for close to four years now. He was my first sexual partner. We started having sex after about a year together, although it was very rare. We would sometimes have gaps of up to two months at a time. If I was getting laid once a month, it was a miracle enough — two was out of this world. We had lots of fights about that and he always claimed he was "paranoid" about getting me pregnant.

Earlier on in the relationship, he told me that this wasn't an issue with his long-distance ex, with whom he had been about a year. He told me they sometimes had sex twice a day. He also did many other hurtful things regarding her — i.e., it was very obvious he was not over her – and I suffered through the first 1.5 to 2 years of our relationship. Talk about a sex drive killer.


Read the rest below.

During the "pregnancy paranoia" issue (which lasted until I got on the pill last year, even though we had always used condoms and spermicide), I would try to initiate sex and he would reject me. The next day, I'd ask again, and he'd angrily reject me again. Finally, I told him that I would never initiate sex again, as it made no sense for me to continually get the proverbial stomp. That's a partial lie — I have initiated some since, but sparingly.

In the last month, we've had one quickie. He recently started grad school, which eats up all of his time, and he works full-time. I work full-time, take care of all of our housework and errands, etc. And since I've started the pill, my desire has waned. I went from thinking about sex very often and feeling aroused at least once or twice a week to maybe finding myself spontaneously in the mood maybe once or twice a month. I don't fantasize about my boyfriend sexually.

Before he left for work this morning, he insisted we would be having sex tonight. I doubt it, as surely grad school will eat up all of his free time again. Part of me doesn't even care anymore and I hope I can find a way to avoid being intimate with him. He's awful in bed. He's not one for foreplay, and he's very selfish in bed. He just wants to get in, get out and get on with his life (TM) while leaving me cold. We've had so many talks that I'm blue in the face. I used to have some sex toys — like a vibrator — but this made him even lazier. He just wanted head all of the time and left me to take care of myself. I threw it out and I will never again buy another sex toy . . . and told him so. When we're having sex or oral, he's even given me the lie, "Finish me first, and then I'll finish you." The one or two times I was stupid enough to fall for this, of course I was left cold again while he laid back satisfied.

I'm about 50 pounds overweight, down from about 100 pounds overweight when he and I met and started dating . . . so the weight can't be an issue for his lack of interest in sex. I think mine's a combination of earlier frustration in the relationship/how terrible he is in bed/just not having desire from taking the pill. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to have sex with somebody else, until I realize: a.) I'm 50 pounds overweight, so it's unlikely I could meet a quality sex partner, as every guy I've ever been with has turned out to have issues with my weight (My ex even told me he was happy I was overweight because it made him feel more secure in the relationship . . . and free to treat me like crap I guess) and b.) That means actually taking my clothes off and being intimate with someone . . . ugh.

Is good sex even possible? My boyfriend, through his frequent rejections in the past, always tried to claim that he was just "getting old" and past his sexual prime. Uh . . . he's only in his late twenties here. I don't see myself marrying him, as that would likely mean a sexless marriage down the road. I would like to WANT to have sex, and it frustrates me that I no longer really have any desire. When he touches me or kisses me, I just want him to go away. I think it might be my way of trying to reclaim a sense of self-esteem and power in the relationship after being repeatedly sexually rejected.

Is there any hope for this?

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RoseAnglaise RoseAnglaise 5 years
Your boyfriend says 29 is too old for sex? I know of men 45 and older who have no such "problems" and the thought of being "too old" never crosses their minds! Your man is making a pathetic excuse. I am no skinny chick by any means, yet I receive compliments and offers for dates. I am not the least bit conceited- took me a long time to be comfortable with compliments. What is there to induce you to stay with a man who treats you so badly? We on this forum can talk all day and night about how you deserve better, but nothing is going to change until you truly believe it in your heart and act on it.
Venus1 Venus1 5 years
There is nothing I can add to others comments but I thought one more voice saying they agree may help you along the way. My love, it is time to go!
wolfjinx25 wolfjinx25 5 years
Honestly, you are wasting your time with this guy. A guy being 29 is never "too old" for sex. He's using as an excuse. You are better off to end this and move on with your life. Don't hang around. Bad sex happens when there is no communication.
la-nouvelle-vague la-nouvelle-vague 5 years
Why are you even with this guy? What kind of guy claims he's getting "too old" for sex at 29? Can guys ever get too old for sex? I know I'm going to sound totally pessimistic but it doesn't sound like this relationship has any chance of working you out or making you happy in the long run. It's not like you two had a happy sexy life but then it slowly waned due to grad school, work, stress, etc. It sounds like your sex life has left you feeling pretty unsatisfied since the beginning. Why be with someone who rejects you constantly when you could be spending your time bettering yourself and attracting the right kind of guy who will love you for all your quirks, your beauty, your flaws, everything about you? Weight has nothing to do with it and shouldn't trick you into thinking that you can't be intimate with someone because you're overweight. Everyone deserves good sex.
sagagirl sagagirl 5 years
I think this relationship is on life support and you need to pull the plug. You cannot have a successful relationship with a physically and emotionally selfish partner. You will always get the short end of the stick. Not to sound cliché but "he is just not that into you." When a man desires you he wants sex all the time, the amount you are having is never enough. The only logical excuse would be if he had a hormonal problem and I doubt that since he boasts of twice a day sex with his ex. Cut your losses and get out of this situation. Work on that self-esteem about your weight because it is preventing you from believing you deserve someone who actually wants to be with you.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
All of this just sounds wrong. Clearly neither of you love each other, you just seem to be stuck in this awful relationship. First off, you need to learn how to love yourself. You have already lost a lot of weight which is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud. Good sex is possible regardless of how much you weigh, it will happen when you are with someone who wants to have sex with you. There is hope for you, if you get out, move on, be alone for a while and then find a man worthy of you and who will fulfill you in every aspect of life. He has caused you to shut down emotionally, sexually, and has manipulated you into thinking that you are not worthy of having a healthy sex life. Get out now, because this for sure will not change.
pinky1234 pinky1234 5 years
Wow! And I thought i had it bad. I am 50 lbs overweight and Im going through similar things as you. Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We used to have sex daily and it died down like everything else. I too am avoiding certain things. I tried talking to him but he doesnt want to talk about it. He tells me he loves me and wverything is fine. Hes good in all other ways but its the bedroom where the problem is. I feel I have to initiate everything and Im getting tired of this. He says its not my weight and that he loves me dearly but the sex thing is what bothers me. I would say that your weight has nothing to do with it. Your a beautiful girl and if you show confidence in all you do that makes you even more attractive. This guy needs a big wake up call. You can ask for a break in the relationship, a time you guys can be apart for how ever long? What I did last year was Leave the relationship for 2 weeks and it was great when I got back. He was wonderful. Then it dies down abit. I feel I have to have 1 foot out the door to get his attention and I know thats not good. But nothing else seems to work. Get dressed up sexy stockings and heels or watever makes you feel sexy and you can initiate it and if he turns you down just tell him your going out for awhile. I did this once and didnt even make it to the front door. You can guess what happened then LOL. If you continue to hold these feelings within you, that you dont care and maybe some resentment sad to say the relationship might end. But maybe that is whats meant to be. I did this in my past relationship of 10 years and built up emotions like this ended our relationship. Sad to say. Anyways I wish you the best and take of yourself, you are number one right now.
miriah15 miriah15 5 years
I don't think you really even love this guy, sounds like you're just afraid you wont find anyone else. I'm about 40lbs overweight, and too lazy and busy with school to do anything about it right now. I've been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years and he still amazes me, and we have sex often, and it's GOOD and selfless (usually ;)). Relationships with shitty sex do not work. If there's no passion and pleasure, what's the point? Then you're basically just friends or room mates! Accept that you're beautiful and there are good guys out there who will agree, and raise your standards to find someone YOU want, not someone who you will settle for. This guy sounds like a douche, just move on.
testadura67 testadura67 5 years
First off: using your weight as an excuse to allow other people to treat you like crap and not get the sex you want is just stupid. Sorry I can't think of a lighter way to phrase that. My best friend is about 150 lbs overweight and chick has better/freakier/more frequent sex than I do (a size 6). Both of us are in long term relationships. Your weight has nothing to do with it, your standards have everything to do with it. A guy who is that selfish in bed can't be particularly unselfish in the relationship. So first, get rid of him. Second, work on yourself. Not your weight, your body image. Decide that you're worth respect, and you're worthy of another's desire, and then demand it from the next guy you're with. Because you're 24 sweetie, you're still REALLY young, and you will have many, many more guys if you choose.
fmminis fmminis 5 years
keep fresh batteries on hand until you loose a few pounds ... uour outlook may chang afterwards which mau or may not include your boy friend !!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Thanks for the feedback, RoseAnglaise. I'll give your words some thought. :) ...You're right, I agree, I wouldn't look forward to intimacy with a man like that. But I wouldn't stay in that situation either. According to the original poster, these two have been at this for nearly 4 years. I can't even imagine sticking it out for that long. There is a classic catch 22 going on here. She sounds like she wants to leave but has decided her weight means she can't. That's an argument she has to have with herself. I would never be able to convince her one way or the other. She is in charge of the logic of the argument, which means there is no way for anyone other than her to win. Anyway, all the best.
RoseAnglaise RoseAnglaise 5 years
Helen, I think you are entirely missing the point. Her boyfriend is sexually selfish and rejecting toward her. She is not insulting him and ignoring him. I call his treatment of her emotional abuse. Would you look forward to intimacy with a man who treated you like that? I sure would not, and I see that our anonymous questioner doesn't, either.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Gee, why would you two want to avoid having sex? Sounds like so People tend to do what feels good, physically and emotionally. Being put down, being given ultimatums, and being ignored don't feel good. You're both just angrily trading demands and excuses back and forth. In the bedroom, of all places. Nothing will change until one of you does something completely unexpected and out of character.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
This guy has major issues, including his sexual problems. If he's not taking care of you in bed, I doubt he's taking care of you outside it either. He's just abusing you and making you feel like there's something wrong with you for having wanted a quality sex life. Well, there isn't and you deserve it. And please don't think that being 50 lbs overweight means that you will never find a quality guy. I always say it's not what you have or don't have, it's what you do with it. If I were you I would kick this douche to the curb, get a therapist and continue with the awesome weight loss journey you are on. Good luck!
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
He sounds like a jerk and hes taking advantage of your insecurities. Ive gained about 30 pounds since I started dating my boyfriend three years ago. I was so nervous to have sex, but he didn't even notice( or at least focus on it). He loved me for me and was just happy to have sex. Guys don't notice your flaws when youre naked, trust me, they just like that you're naked. You've lost 50 pounds, that's great! You should be feeling good about your accomplishment :) keep it up and you'll be feeling even better, exercise definitely helps rev up your libido. You'll find someone else, if you have confidence and respect yourself you'll stop attracting douches. I vote you leave him, work on your confidence, body image, etc., and you'll find someone else when the time is right :)
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
"Is good sex even possible?" YES! I know for a fact because I've had it. Step one is dumping your boyfriend (who sounds HORRIBLE in bed!). And congrats on the weight loss!
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
I'm sorry you are going through this. He is a complete dick. You should leave this relationship as soon as possible. Get your self dolled up and venture out. He might not be at his prime (which I think is bullshit) but YOU are for sure. Don't self-less. There are pleanty of other fish in the sea, who are more than happy to hook up with you.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
Trust me, I know how you feel. I have lost 150 lbs over the years, and at my heaviest, I was in a relationship with an @sshole. Granted, we never had the sex issue, but we had a LOT of other issues. I stayed because I thought no one else would want me. When we broke up, I realized that I was happier ALONE, than I ever was in a relationship with him.
chibros chibros 5 years
You didn't state about the relationship, if its happy, loving, understanding, compromising one. I bet it would be a selfish one from his side. But anyways, sounds like he's just using you for cover ups, not as real girlfriend. Doing everything for him while he is busy with more important things. then come to you only when he needs sex. He feels secure because he thinks you can't easily go. If i were you, i'll start looking for someone else and leave him once things gets well with the new one.
Diana0504 Diana0504 5 years
If I were you, I would definitely start thinking about a break-up... you are so young, are you sure that this is all you want?! I get that you are unhappy, but you don't seem to be making anything to counteract that.... it is been going on for four years... are you sure it is even love?! Sorry if I seem harsh, but, I think that a relationship is supposed to be about love and trust and sex should feel good and connect you to your partner even more... and you don't seem to have this traits in your relationship... I'm sure you'll figure it out... but try to think about other choices, besides your boyfriend...
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Sounds like the only thing keeping you together is the lease on your apartment -- give notice and get out! Your value is from within you. He is not treating you as you deserve. He has problems and, given how he treats you, you do not need to work therapy on him. You sound like you have enough wits about you to make a plan -- hey! you've lost 50 pounds; that's a great success! You can do it. And it is that fire inside that will attract someone who has will connect and meet your desires.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Why are you still with him? I'll be giving him a 30 day notice if I were you.
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