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Awkward! Toaster Gets Toasted

Among the many tips given to people who make toasts at wedding receptions — don't be long-winded, include witty anecdotes, mention those you are toasting by name and explain how you know them — it should go without saying that you shouldn't be a drunken fool while giving toasts.

That's just what happened at a wedding I attended, and unfortunately I ended up being embarrassed on behalf of the drunk toaster.

Here's how it went down. I reluctantly agreed to go to a friend's wedding even though her soon-to-be brother-in-law had just dumped me for an older woman. (It's a long story, but she'd set me up with — oh, let's call him Jake — and I kinda fell for him. Shortly after we realized it was never going to work, he began dating someone else.)

I didn't want to see Jake, in part because I was still hurting from the rejection, in part because I didn't want to see her, but there I was, trying to support my friend and keep a low profile.

No dice. Jake, a bigger drama queen than I, had to get stinkin' wasted during the wedding. After he gave a sweet toast, albeit filled with risqué jokes told in slurred speech, he began looking around the room — for me. "Hey, where's X? X should give a toast . . . Hey give a toast, X!" I cringed, blushed and then wanted to hide under the table when I saw what none of us wanted to believe was happening: his new girlfriend proceeded to throw coffee into his lap after he finally sat down.

Oh, sheesh. They began to argue, someone else tried to diffuse the situation, and I ran to the open bar for my own alcoholic beverage.

Have you ever attended a wedding in which the toaster got toasted or said something stupid?


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