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And a Baby Makes Three

Dear Sugar
I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, and he is absolutely the most wonderful person I have ever been with. I can not begin to describe how much he means to me. Unfortunately there is a but though; he has a four year old child that I just can't seem to welcome into my life.

I thought that I would be able to warm up to him in due time, but it just isn't happening. What bothers me the most is not the child, but the fact that my boyfriend and I can never have a typical life together. If we were to get married, I would have to deal with his "baby's momma" for the rest of my life.

Something else that is weighing heavily on my shoulders is that I became pregnant last year and we decided as a couple, that the timing wasn't right, so I had an abortion. It just doesn't seem right for my boyfriend to ask me to love his child when he wasn't willing to have a child with me. I feel like I am stuck in a terrible situation. Do you have any advice for me? Frustrated Fredel

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Frustrated Fredel
It sounds like you are still harboring some unresolved issues from your pregnancy. Did you feel like your boyfriend pressured you into making a decision you weren't comfortable with? Have you been able to talk to anyone since your abortion? I suggest confiding in a friend, a family member, or a therapist, as having an abortion can be very life changing.

If you love your boyfriend, unfortunately, you are going to have to learn to accept the fact that he has a child and an ex. Although having a step child isn't your ideal situation, we can't help who we fall in love with or his past relationships.

Is ending this relationship over the ex factor worth losing the man you love? Many couples deal with the same situation, but with time, they learn how to make it work. I think ultimately you need to ask yourself if this relationship will make you happy in the long run. Good luck.

Join The Conversation
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Yah, right. :oy: POINT BLANK if theres an issue with u and ur jealousy of his kid move on get over it. You choose the abortion, the underlying choice was yours not his. Sounds like more a damage control then anything else. Dear sugar doesnt alter your letter thats why alot of the "letters" have so many typos. And even if it was "altered" she can do that. This is her site. You could have always done a group therapy post. Sorry I knw I come off as a bitch but thats just how it is. ------ only 10 days to go
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 10 years
Im glad you commented about your letter,because I would have also been annoyed if the text was altered because that letter you wrote can be interpeded so many ways ... like it has already....Im glad things are working out for you and Good luck. This situation is never easy!
nikki97 nikki97 10 years
Hi everyone, this is "Frustrated Fredel." First of all, I must say that I'm terribly dissappointed to discover that my letter was so distorted. I NEVER stated that "I just can't seem to welcome (the child) into my life" or that "It just doesn't seem right for my boyfriend to ask me to love his child." My original letter was altered significantly and many facts and opionions were omitted. If my letter was too long, "Dear Sugar" could at least paraphrase without putting words into my mouth. That being said, I want to clarify that the issue was not the child himself, nor was it a matter of whether or not I could "accept" him. I accept the fact that my boyfriend has a child, and I realize that the child should be his #1 priority. In fact, I personally think that my boyfriend should spend more time with him and move closer to home. Basically, I was just having a hard time dealing with the whole situation... mainly I was wondering how things would be in the future if we were to get married and have our own kids. I was wondering if anyone had been in a similar situation. I was wondering how things would work out... how his child would react to having step-sibblings... how our children would react to their step-brother... how we could all have a "normal" life. As far as the abortion goes, "soccrspz" was right when she said that "his decision might be based on maturity. He had a child already where the situation didn't work out..." Although I wonder daily what our child would be like, I realize that we couldn't give our child the life he or she deserved at this point in time. My boyfriend was willing to have a child with me, but we came to the conclusion that it would be better to wait. What was really bothering me at that time was the fact that he had FORCED his "baby's momma" to have their child and that he was impartial to ours. That doesn't matter any more, because I now realize that he didn't want to force anything... he didn't want us to end up like his past relationship. At the time I wrote my original letter, I had never met the child before and I really didn't know what to expect. I recently met the child for the first time and I must say, I'm feeling much better about everything now. It was difficult getting the courage to go over to my boyfriends house that day, but after I met the kid everything just fell into place. The child and I bonded almost immediately, and I was actually a little sad to see him go! I still don't know if we could ever have a "normal" life together, but after meeting the child it doesn't really matter. Things are going great now, and actually meeting his child face-to-face has, for some odd reason, eased my mind about everthing.
Marci Marci 10 years
Your saying that it doesn't seem right that your boyfriend wants you to love his child but wasn't willing to have a child with you makes it sound like it was more his decision than yours to terminate that pregnancy. That's a shame because now there is this enormous thing between you that you didn't necessarily agree upon, from the sounds of it. His child is going to be around forever. If you can't accept that and make a go of it, you should really move on. That child is only 4 years old. His parents aren't together, which is tough enough. He doesn't need another adult around who resents him on some level or doesn't like him. That is just going to make things worse for him. This is one of those situations where from the outside looking in, the answer is very obvious. My own take is that you shouldn't stay together. I know that isn't easy if you care for him, but there's a big picture here that goes beyond just you and your feelings. Sorry.
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
I can understand that this makes you upset, but you will have to upset it. You can't blame him for the abortion, as you made the decision to actually do it. However, if you feel like you did it for the wrong reasons (like b/c its what he wanted) then it is an issue that you need to address. Also, that boy may have changed his opinion. It may have shown him that a child is such a precious and large responsibility that having another one that the wrong time could ruin the relationship. This child is not some sign that he loved his ex more. The fact that he wants you to accept it is showing that he cares for you now. You will need to accept these things in your life, as its too late to go back and change things. **“In my mind, I’ve always een an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.” -Will Smith **
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Please remember that your boyfriends little boy did not ask for this situation either. If you plan on staying with his dad then he deserves to have your love and attention even though you are not his biological parent. I think you should put in a real effort to plan special things you and the child can do together, the toddler years can be a very fun and special time to share in a childs life. Think back to when you were a child and which situations made you feel wanted, loved and excited about life and learning, then try to share similar situations with your boyfriends child. Did you love animals? Take him to a petting zoo. Did you enjoy the special attention of an adult reading an exciting story to you? Pick up your favourite childhood book and share it with the child. Make a date to take him to a kids movie once a month, or to a silly restaurant where you can eat with your hands. The three of you can create your own family unit, you don't need to replace his mother to be an important and positive influence in his life.
Kbrooks1122704 Kbrooks1122704 10 years
i disagree with the past comments, i think his decision might be based on maturity. He had a child already where the situation didn't work out with the mother and he recognizes that this situation is hard on not only him but the child and everyone else close to him. He most likely didn't want that to happen again so soon and without marriage. I'm sure he loves you but remember he's your BOYFRIEND, not husband. Do you think you'd really be better off with a child right now with him, I'm sure there's plenty of time for that down the road. And feel lucky you are together, he obviously loves you and wants to be with you, he's just learned from (i hate to say this) but "mistakes" and wants to plan things out better for the future. Best of luck.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
It sounds like this guy and his life are not right for you. I would seriously consider ending this relationship as soon as possible.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
the things making you angry/upset/frustrated, whatever, are all things that cannot be changed. 1) that child of your bf is always going to be there and as a parent that child is your bf's first priority. would you think much of your bf if he ended the relationship with his child? 2) you had an abortion. you and your bf agreed that was the best decision for you AT THAT TIME. as for the fact that it doesn't "seem right" for your bf to ask you to love his child; HELLO! how selfish can a person be? that 4 year old is completely dependent on the adults in his life for EVERYTHING. he had no say about who his parents are and certainly had no say about you being in his life. it's not what a relationship could be or might have been, it's what it is. let your bf find someone that will love all of him (with out being asked!) including his precious child. some day when you have a child of your own you will look back on this relationship and see how you misjudged it. you aren't in a position to be objective right now and i suggest you get some counseling on the feelings you have over the abortion. 2007?
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