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Bad Sex in Relationship Advice

Group Therapy: Everything Is Good When We're Not Between the Sheets

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been dating my boyfriend for seven months now, known him for nine. He's truly a great guy — one in a million. I've never been able to relate to someone as much as I've had with him. I love him very much, but there's only one problem: the sex isn't good. We've talked about the situation before, and I could tell I've hurt his ego, which is one of the most important things to a guy, but I had to let him know and get to the bottom of it. I didn't want to have sex and not get pleasure from it when he was the only one benefiting from it. I told him that sex is a big part of a relationship, but there's other qualities that fill in for what he's lacking. He suggested that we slow down on doing it so much, but I didn't see how that would solve this unfortunate circumstance.

Keep reading for the rest of the dilemma and to help her out with your advice.

We do a lot of foreplay, and I try almost everything: positions, places, and techniques. I told him we should experiment until we find what works best for us, but nothing has come out of it. I try to tell him what feels good to me, but I hardly ever do because I myself don't know. He's my first, so it's really frustrating for me when I'm not getting any good out of it. I told him I don't have sex with him because I like it; I do it because I like who I'm doing it with, I like the idea, and I like pleasing him. Like I said, I don't base our relationship off of sex, but it's a sad case if sometimes I want it to be over with or when I can't even reach orgasm. I wanna wake up extremely happy in the morning, too. I'm giving up hope that I'll ever be willing to enjoy myself when having sex. I came once, but that was when he went down on me, and even that's not good because it seems as though he doesn't know how to do that well either. Seven months and still nothing — help!

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IdeaOfOrder IdeaOfOrder 6 years
I'm going to echo what everyone else has said and say that you really need to know your body and how it reacts.. what sensations you like, what fantasies you have and so on. Watch some porn, read some erotica.. anything to get your mind going so that you can learn what works for you. I went through this with my first and also handled it poorly. After several months of no orgasm, I was really mean about it. It really damaged our relationship and although we're together and married now, that was a big hurdle we had to get over. The best thing I did was buy a vibrator for myself. At first I wasn't comfortable using it in front of him, but I think that was okay because it finally taught me that I was responsible for my own orgasm; it's very empowering. Of course the goal is to eventually bring this into the bedroom for the both of you to enjoy. Also, I wanted to say that if he's doing what you ask then this truly isn't your bf's problem.. as in he's not defective. You can do what I did and sleep with other men, but you'll likely find that while some have a little more skill they still won't bring you to orgasm because it's really up to you.
testadura67 testadura67 6 years
Have you taken time to get to know your own body? You said you try to tell him what gets you off, but usually can't because you don't even know. Frankly, if you can't get yourself off, how do you expect him to? Take the time to find your sensitive spots yourself so you can communicate to him how and where you want what you want. Everyone's body is different. Take responsibility for your own satisfaction, it's totally unfair to put 100% of the blame on him.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with the above, especially Betty Wayne. He went down on you and you came, but he's not good at it? You are kind of new to this and it takes time and experience. I try to tell him what feels good to me, but I hardly ever do because I myself don't know. My point proven exactly. It's a little rude that you didn't even consider the fact that you don't know what makes you happy yet and you blamed him to his face for your bad sex life. Half the battle in finding what works for you is self-exploration. You're not sure what works for you yet. Your boyfriend has seemed more than willing to try a lot of things-- quite frankly, I don't think this guy sounds like a bad lay. I think you just need more time to find what works for you. You are not going to be having awesome sex right away, it takes time. Be patient. And tell your boyfriend he's awesome for helping you explore what works for you (ease that big bruise you gave to his ego).
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
you better start being nicer or you're going to get dumped. no guy will want to sexually please a girl who makes it known to him that she thinks he's "lacking". encouragement is the only way to go in the bedroom. find out what you like and show him
bethinabox bethinabox 6 years
I had a problem just like this with a guy... He was so sweet and and I really liked being with him, but the sex was just NOT great. And while he was my first, I have been with someone else, with whom the sex is SO much better. And I've been with this first guy since the other guy, so it's not a matter of oh, he was my first so I didn't know any better, etc... Maybe I just have better chemistry with the other guy, maybe it's just cuz he's just more "well equipped" or more experienced... The funny thing is, with my ex, he was able to make me come (not actually during intercourse, but almost every time he'd get me off beforehand) and with other guy, he's actually never made me come, but I don't even care, cuz it's so much fun with him. I can only imagine how great it'd be if he did. ;) But anyway, I don't know. I don't even know what to tell you, hon. All I can say is I hope you can work it out with him because it sounds like you've got something good with with him. It'd be a shame if you couldn't work it out. :( Good luck!! xo
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Agreed with all the above. I'd also add that sex is not just something someone does to you. You're responsible for exploring, yourself. When you don't orgasm, it's not totally the guy's fault. Being able to do so consistently is a skill you can learn. There are a billion books, videos, and websites out there to help you. Do a bunch of independent research, experimentation, and practice practice practice. Then, once you feel confident in your sensual abilities solo, try them with your boyfriend.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Well, I agree with the ladies, with your first dude, it'll take awhile to learn the correct way to get you off every time. It happened to me too, sweetie. Took me almost a year (with my first guy) to get where I wanted, but btw those time, I never complained/indicated to my ex how I thought he was lacking or he wasn't doing things good enough, etc. Complaining to him or telling him how you're only having sex because you like him is rather a turn-off, if I were a guy, I'd want my gf to like/love sex, not making it sound as if it's a 'chore' or 'obligation out of love.' Sex is supposed to be fun, and no, it doesn't always end with an orgasm everytime (although once you know the right position and etc, you'll always get there). I think it's all about connecting to the other one and being intimate, so focus on that, and try to not focus on reaching an orgasm. And focus on having fun experimentation too (as much as your boundaries will allow), you'll get there. Good luck.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Serene are you the OP? If some guy asked me if my exes thought I was good in bed I would smack him, either that or mumble some bullshit about they thought I was 'Alright.' Maybe they thought he was the best lay ever and he didn't want to hurt your feelings. His boundaries might be different than mine, but you're not fixing anything by asking. You're just giving yourself another reason to blame him. I agree with pop on pretty much everything, also you sound really defensive. The part where you said, "I came once but that was when he went down on me and even thats not good because it seems as though he doesn't know how to do that well either." He *does* know how to do it well, that's why you came! You are expecting way too much out of sex too soon. Some girls love it the first time and some take years to learn what pleases them. You are the kind who takes time... so was I... accept that and keep doing what you're doing and you'll get it. But please stop telling him he's lacking, he'll start resenting you and might dump you for it.
Serene18 Serene18 6 years
How do I know hes the one whos lacking? I asked him about his past sexual relations and what were their responses? He told me they said he was 'Alright'
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
So this guy is your first? You don't just have awesome sex right off the bat. It takes time, and often a bunch of partners, to figure out what's up. Most women can't orgasm during sex without any clitoral stimulation. Order a small clit vibe from a sex shop and use that during sex. Finally, this comment really stood out: "I told him that sex is a big part of a relationship but theres other qualities that fills in for what hes lacking." I hope you didn't say that to him. He's your first. How do you know he's the one who is lacking? How do you know you wouldn't feel the exact same way with someone else? And regardless, it's just a rude thing to say to someone. You need to approach this like you don't know what gets you off (which you don't) and that it's fun play time to figure it out. The way you're currently approaching it is too much pressure for anyone.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
My philosophy is take turns. One hour or one night you do what he likes, and then one hour or one night he does what you like. So the question is, what is your total, absolutely best fantasy? What do you really want him to do? Sex, or do you want him to merely hold you and cuddle with you? Tell us what your greatest fantasy is (or non-fantasy, just cuddling, talking about emotions, etc.).
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