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Beauty Is a Curse

Group Therapy: Beauty Is a Curse!

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I don't want to sound conceited, but I guess you could say I am one of the "pretty ones." I have realized that it's a bad thing. Guys will only hit on me based on looks and all they think about is getting in my pants. They don't care about how smart I am or how I think or anything! It's starting to anger me. I mean, I like to have intelligent conversations and I tend to rarely have them with guys who have an interest in me. It disgusts me how people are so shallow — and no I am not a shallow person because I know someone will say that I probably am. Truth is, I "loved" a man before who was not cute in the least, but I saw something in him. I feel like I am the only one. I am sick of giving guys a chance to only realize they want to ONLY bang.

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SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
BTW....I apologize if my words seem harsh or offensive. Please don't take it that way. I know that beautiful women are sometimes treated unfairly. As I stated before, I don't consider myself beautiful. But I know that I am a very attractive woman in my own right. I might not fit into society's definition of beauty, but I'm far from ugly. Some women have been threatened by me, although I'm nice. I find it difficult to make female friends and keep them. Most women tend to dislike me for reasons I don't understand. One of my best friends stopped being my friend because she was jealous and insecure. She thought I was interested in her boyfriend. I couldn't stand him. But our friendship ended because of her insecurities. She was a pretty girl too, but I guess some animosity developed on her part. Some older women have been mean to me. Some people have assumed that my life is perfect and that I have no problems at all. Some girls have been catty because they think I'm snobby or that I want their boyfriends. I'm not sure where they come up with this, but that is what some folks believe. Anyway, what I'm saying is that you made some very valid points and I agree with some of what you said. I just feel like you should try to look at the whole picture. Yes, I'm sure there is a downside to being beautiful...but compared to women who are considered ugly or even simply average, pretty women tend to have it made in life. Their lives might not be 100% perfect but the benefits outnumber the disadvantages.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 5 years
aeiah...that's a pretty presumptuous statement on your part. So when we say that beauty fades that means we're unattractive ourselves? Nope. That is false. You don't know what we look like or what our experiences have been. Sorry, but beauty does fade with time. It is a reality of life. Yes, a woman can still be very beautiful even as she grows older...but the truth is that youth is tied to the notion of physical beauty in American society. This is especially true for women. If you get older, you will find that things won't always be the way they are now. There will be younger women receiving all the attention that you once received. You also seem to be making the assumption that so-called "plain" and/or "average" women don't experience objectification and sexual harassment. I will assure you that it happens. All women deal with these issues at some point. It doesn't matter whether one is beautiful or not. We are all judged by appearances. I still stand by my belief that conventionally beautiful women tend to be treated more kindly in general. As a very light-skinned woman of mixed race, I've heard the same stuff from people who assumed that I would be stuck-up or obnoxious before they got to know me. Yes, it hurts but that is what a lot of people do....they have preconceived notions and they make judgments. Once again, that's life. I have also had trouble with keeping friendships and attracting genuine people. Some people are simply unlucky in some ways. There are plenty of so-called "plain" or "unattractive" people who find themselves quite lonely as well. I was once very thin and I'm petite. Other women have been envious of my small frame with nice curves. But I don't sit around and complain about it, because I know that it would seem obnoxious to do so. And remember what I said about beauty fading with time? Well, it's true. I don't have a flat tummy anymore. My arms are no longer slim and defined. I don't have a tiny waist anymore. Simply put, I've lost some of that "wow" factor. But guess what? That's fine by me. Will you be OK when the same happens to you? A wealthy person shouldn't complain about how much money they have, when there are people in this world dying from hunger. A person who is considered beautiful (and this is subjective) shouldn't complain about how difficult it is to be physically gifted because there are people with flaws and defects that elicit the most cruel treatment from others. Think about it...would you tell another woman that it is a curse to be beautiful, while looking at her burned or disfigured face? Would you try to imagine what it must be like for a woman who is morbidly obese? Women who are not viewed as beautiful are often mocked, shunned, and ridiculed. And guess what? Sometimes they experience sexual harassment, too. I suggest you read "Autobiography of a Face" by Lucy Grealy...that should give you some insight and hopefully some perspective. I'm not trying to be mean or attack you, but you're quite unaware of your privilege.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
@ I'm with Helen 100% on that one. A confident person does'nt have to shove her beauty in everyone's face. People can discern whether you are beautiful or not. No amount of skimpy clothing and makeup can change what someone fundamentally is and the same thing goes with conservative wear. There are situations where being more conservative is called for and you do want to be taken seriously. Recently someone told me I was a beautiful woman but could tell I was'nt out there looking for constant attention. I dress nicely but tone it down because I am tall and busty and I want to be respected as a person, not a sex object. I'm also quite smart and I've earned the respect of my professor and fellow classmates and I don't even think they pay much attention to what I look like. It's all about the vibe you are giving off. If it's a "look at me " vibe that's what you'll get. If it's a "respect me and listen to what I'm saying" vibe that you are projecting, that's what you will get in return.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I don't know. Extreme beauty is like cleavage. You don't always have to have it out in everyone's face. It's a choice how and when you use it. I'm no hag myself, but I used to work with a woman who was truly exquisite by any standard. She dressed down a little and wore hardly any makeup. And she was GOOD at her job. Everyone knew she was beautiful and could have stunned the entire office whenever she wanted. But because she chose not to, and seemed to have zero hangups about her looks or how people treated her, practically everyone just LOVED her.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
Coming from that 'Ugly Duckling' background, I can say for certain that I've been through both the ugly, and the relatively pretty, and there's no doubt about it; being pretty is a blessing. I was the tall, awkward asian girl growing up, and I got picked on a lot. I had glasses in 4th grade, and although I did have a few really close friends, I was never around the prettier girls. In fact, most of my best friends were guys! But as I grew up, I found myself maturing, and really pulling into my skin. Guys started noticing me, and in turn I got invited to a lot more parties. But one thing I realized was that as far as men were concerned, all the guys I've dated, or have been really good friends with have stuck around because they've gotten past the looks, despite the fact that I could have been ugly, or pretty. I'm not going to lie; love to talk. And believe me when I say this: I'm very stubborn when it comes to my opinion. So when guys see the side of me that's really different from what they expect from a sweet, chinese girl, they suddenly have that decision to make: should I stick around? I think it's already been mentioned, but the best thing I can say from my own experience is that you just have to stay positive, and shake what your mama gave ya'! If guys come hollerin' because you're pretty, let them! When they get close, don't get vulnerable, get sassy! Show them what they're in for, and if they want to know more about you, they'll stick around. Be confident, don't let them have the benefit of the doubt, and be the best You. Don't worry about what people say. If they can't be with you because you're 'too pretty', then they don't know what they're in for, and they aren't willing to explore what is you, and what you can give them, and in the end that's their own fault. Don't blame yourself for it, and move on. Someone's out there waiting for you!
aeiah aeiah 6 years
I'm going to tell you right now the people who are reassuring you that beauty fades are not considered beautiful. Why would one claim to understand fully what another goes through, especially without experience? In my youth I was quite a nerdy looking kid, I grew up as plain as can be, but with a vibrant personality so I did not lack love letters. However, as I grew up I grew into myself, and I have become conventionally 'beautiful'. Always, in my mind, I am just a plain nerdy girl with a zeal for computer games. It is a blessing and a curse. In some ways it's an EXTREME curse, but when you get into the working world you'll find it easier to find jobs with the confidence and assurance that spawned from being 'beautiful'. Beauty is only skin deep, and it does fade, thats why it's INCREDIBLY frustrating for us to find a mate. None of them seem to get that at all. Objectification is a very demeaning feeling. I once looked back on the previous 2 or 3 years and thought to myself, holy ****, every SINGLE human being who has claimed to be my friend or wanted to hang around me was simply doing it because I am beautiful. I counted my friends, even my BEST CLOSEST friends, and each of them at one point confessed they were 'in love' with me, and if they could not be with me physically they could not be my friend. They had kept quite a mask the entire time. Girls invite me out because I make them 'look good'. I am extremely intelligent, I prefer a date that starts out with a nice long contemplation of the meaning of life, philosophy, human nature, destruction and creation in our primal animal instinct, etc. It is very rare to find someone with this same interest, those who date me get scared away very fast OR put up with it JUST because they are hoping to get with me. I've been out having fun and seen a guy wait around in a situation he didn't want to be in just because he thought I might go home with him. How insulting. Even my female friends like to be 'seen'. Beauty is VERY estranging. It segregates you from others. People who might have been your friends are too shy to approach, or ALWAYS ASSUME YOU ARE A BITCH (how many times I heard "I truly thought you'd be a bitch but I am glad I got to know you you are so nice!") I have had no TRUE friends for many years since this change. I had many friends when I was plainer or even unattractive, and they truly loved me as I loved them and we still remain friends though I am in a different state. I fell in love with someone who was attractive possibly to no other. He loved philosphy and gaming and music making and everything. He kind of broke it up almost immediately. Later he was asked by another "Did you ever regret not giving someone a chance to get to know them?" and he said "Yes, I pushed someone away because I thought there was absolutely no way it would work out due to the way she looked, but when I got to know her I wished I hadn't" Isn't that sad? Even the man I loved judged me on my looks thinking because I was TOO much more attractive than him, he wouldn't even consider getting to know me, as if we were doomed from the first moment because he didn't think he was attractive. I once stood with a man in a parking lot who was getting visibly sweaty with nervousness at talking to me. He offered me 300$ to join him for an hour to go to his soccer game. I said why don't you take me to dinner later instead. But he kept insisting. I told him to take me to dinner and gave him my number. He never called. He would give up the chance to know me because he didn't give a **** about me, just showing me off at a soccer game. Oh yes, beauty estranges, no one gives a real **** about you at ALL they SIMPLY care about being seen. All of them judge instantly that you are a "Bitch". So what can you do but have compassion for all sentient beings, love yourself since no one else will love YOU for YOU, and just be as successful as you can. There is a flipside, as beauty is an ambivalent thing, I have gotten two very high paying jobs based on my attractiveness. The first one literally said "I specialize in hiring beautiful women" (I know, disgusting, sick, so I threw a salary that I would go through that kind of treatment for to support my small family, and they matched it) Another became extremely harrassing and came out with the fact when I walked in the man had to tell the others to concentrate on my qualifications, not my looks. I have been sexually harrassed in every workplace that had a large sum of males, but I also gain respect and hesitation from the female population which means I am able to fill my role as a manager with ease. On the other hand of that, I had a girl who hated me for being beautiful, was my subordinate and did her very best to give me 'hell'. She was beautiful too, more stunning than me without a doubt, but perhaps she didn't see it that way. I see many people as amazingly beautiful, I think everyone has something beautiful about them. I was once a frumpy, average, kind of pudgy girl with only my splendid personality to testify to my awesome. In that way, all personalities are the only thing of significance. Just wish other people felt that way. It's the attractiveness which drives them in and scares them away. So just love yourself first, and have patience, one will come, one will come. Never let yourself settle for a man in your pants. Don't require humans to make you happy, find your own happiness in yourself first. They will come, they will go, because you are beautiful, you may never find a TRUE friend, so be friend to yourself. Be compassionate and caring and love others the best you can, never expect anything in return, and if they should treat you that way, just feel compassion for them as they may be trapped in a shallow world which I personally would never want to be in. Sorry to ramble I just have a lot of thoughts on this! Its an ambivalent curse! Hate/Love We could scar our faces and cut off our hair. Right now I'd like a good job, then a good friend. When a job sees me work, they know I am worth keeping, as a person who may ever get to know me, will regret having judged me.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 6 years
Everyone made some very valid points. it possible that you unconsciously project a certain vibe that some of these guys pick up on? Maybe that is part of the problem. I'm not gorgeous, but I am a fairly attractive woman in my late 20's. My body isn't tight and firm and sexy like it was a few years ago but that doesn't stop guys from looking at me. I don't enjoy that kind of attention, especially since I'm married...but it is a part of life. You simply need to learn to deal with it. Men will look at any woman if she's pretty and has a nice figure. Physical beauty has its disadvantages but I would say that there are more advantages that come with being beautiful. I don't mean to be insensitive, but life is often more difficult for people who are not considered conventionally good-looking. Some people would give anything to be seen as beautiful. If this is the biggest problem in your life, then I would say you have it pretty good. Learn to appreciate who you are and what you have because some folks would love to be in your shoes. My suggestion would be to enjoy your life. Remember is fleeting. You will eventually grow older and things won't always be the same. Your boobs won't always be perky and your appearance will show that you have experienced life. Be thankful for your youth, health, and beauty. Make sure that you are just as beautiful on the inside because there is nothing more unattractive than a pretty girl with a rotten attitude. If you adjust your thinking, you will attract the right attention from the right guys.
nachiketa nachiketa 6 years
I am partly agree with you. dear world is not that you are discussing, May be you met with only person who is only interested in physical pleasures , turn around your face you will surely find someone who admire you as a whole person.
karlotta karlotta 6 years
I used to be a hot girl, and I never had that problem. It's just that you have to not be a pretty girl - you have to be an interesting girl. To the point where very quickly, a guy stops seeing your nice rack and starts listening to you. I used and abused my looks, but I also always had a lot of personality, a sense of humor, and a lot of shit to say. Men wanted me, but they also quickly wanted to stick around. So you can't stop being hot, but you can certainly work on being strong, fun, intelligent and passionate about something; some will continue to just want to get in your pants, but a lot of them will want to continue hanging out, too. This said, my comment sounds like it's implying you have no personality, which isn't what I mean - just that maybe you're not considering THAT your strong suit enough. Be confident because of who you are, not your looks. It's a ton more attractive than a nice face in the long run.
papermageling papermageling 6 years
Simply start a reasonably intellectual conversation with guys fairly early on. Make yourself known for that. I've done this, and while I get the occasional creeper, the guys I'm around are mostly fantastic. I'm not stunning, but passably pretty and very busty, which is attention getting. If I don't act smart, I manage to get assumed easy, so I make political philosophy one of my early conversation topics, particularly if a guy's vision is straying somewhat below the face. Discovering that I'm not at all a bimbo tends to make the guys looking for an easy lay go away and the ones looking for good conversation stay.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 6 years
Most guys I meet try to flirt with me too, not a bad thing! Truth is, you're just not going to have a lot of guy friends. But believe me if you date someone, they will be interested in your personality and intelligence after you date them.
stephley stephley 6 years
I'm average looking on my best day and I've run into the same kind of guys. You weed out the shallows and move on. Greg's right - if you want to be valued for your mind, put yourself in situations where it's likely you'll find like-minded people. Don't expect to have deep discussions with a guy who's hitting on you.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Also, if guys were just into looks the "Sexy Librarian" fantasy of the buttoned up, sort of nerdy, smart girl with a hot side, would not be so prevalent. Don't sleep on the so-called nerdy chicks because I've known of some of them to be serious man-eaters. Looks are not the only thing that gets a guys motor running or gets him to ultimately stick around.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I think onlysourcherry is dead on" Men are attracted to beauty but it won't make them stick around". I've been called "very pretty, gorgeous, beautiful" most of my adult life. I have a guy I've been with for a while. He likes intelligent, outspoken women, him being a very smart person, himself. Beauty is the icing on the cake but it definitely would not cause my boyfriend and many other guys to stick around for more than just sex. There's got to be more going on. Initially most guys do want to bang-they're hardwired that way. It's the interesting women with a lot to say that keep them coming back for more. It sounds cliche but personality really does count. That's why sometimes you see average looking women with the hottest guys and you're wondering how she got him and vice versa. Be less conscious of your looks, focus on them less and the guys that will truly like you for you, will also.It does not mean they won't appreciate that you're pretty but they'll appreciate other things about you too.
BorgesMarquez BorgesMarquez 6 years
Loved reading all the different opinions about this topic. Very insightful :)
GregS GregS 6 years
It's all marketing. Position yourself where the attributes you wish to display will be shown to their full potential. You want to be known for your mind, take a serious class in something in which you have an interest, professional or otherwise. If you love classical music, attend the opera or symphonies in town. Go to the pre-show discussions and participate. The only other people in these venues are the ones that have the same affinity as you.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
I'm guessing you're about 18 or 19 years old, maybe younger. A word of advice: stop complaining about this. It's very unattractive (no pun intended) and very cliched. Here is the thing: men are attracted to beauty but it won't make them stick around. Either you are meeting the wrong men, or you've just not matured enough to have a personality that is attractive to men. Either way, beauty is an asset, but if you go around acting like it's your primary asset you will continue to be treated this way.
testadura67 testadura67 6 years
I have to say, I find it mildly discouraging that every hot girl on here who talks about how no one appreciates how smart she is, has yet to use correct grammar.
vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 6 years
I know what you mean. I'm not typically described as "hot", but I am told quite frequently that I'm "very pretty" and "beautiful". And people constantly think it makes life easy. It dosen't. Men fall in love with me hard and fast and then are devastated when they get to know me better and things don'w work out. At work I constantly fight the stereotype that I'm stupid. I'm constantly proving to other's that I'm more than my face. Friends will resent me for all the attention I receive, but at the end of the day it makes finding the right person so much harder because people aren't attracted initially attracted to who I am on the inside, and that's what counts when you're trying to build a relationship. Call it a blessing, call it a curse. But I totally understand where you are coming from.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
That chip on your shoulder is a turnoff to some really great guys. You're playing into the stereotype that all men want is sex. Some guys are like that, but it's rude to assume--unless dude does nothing but stare at your chest and mumble about sex positions. Certain men have a similar resentment against women, saying all we want is their money. Wouldn't you be turned off if a complete stranger accused you in word or action of being a gold digger? Some guys will dismiss you for that and move on. Others will say to themselves, "Okay cool, let's see if she's up for random sex. That'd be hot. I wonder how many drinks I'll have to buy." In other words, they'll act exactly the way you expect them to. No one is going to break down your walls for you. Instead, show more confidence. Assume every guy who approaches you wants to get to know you. Those who don't will get confused and leave.
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