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Being Jealous of the Ex-Wife

"There Is Always the Ex"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been with my boyfriend for about eight months. He was married for about eight years and they have a 4-year-old son together. He rarely talks to her; his parents are actually the go-between in matters of the son. I really do not care for the ex-wife; I get the feeling she broke his heart, and I worry that he may still have or re-develop feelings for her. I know he loves me and he is an amazing guy. I truly believe he would never cheat on me. But this is my first love and my mind keeps going to that ugly, jealous place. He really is not doing anything wrong, so why do I feel this way?

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henna-red henna-red 4 years
You feel this way because this is your first love, your first big shot at vulnerability, and because you're insecure about how it all works, and how you know it is working, or it isn't working. After eight months you should have a little more security around your fella. It sounds to me as though this issue is an internal issue, not stemming from his behavior...... Every person we ever have a relationship with has a past, a history, and that means baggage. And when you choose someone who's been married and has a child, there is a lot more serious history and past to deal with. I'd suggest checking out some books around the issue of dating someone with this kind of past, particularly when you've never experienced marriage or parenting. Part of your insecurity must come from a lack of similar experiences, and so a lack of skills related to those experiences. Also, since you haven't done those things, you don't understand firsthand what your guy is going through....only second hand. One of the things you said.....I think she broke his heart....seems to me to be you looking for a bad guy in a situation that doesn't need a bad guy. You don't need to like or dislike his ex. But she is the mother of his child and will be in his life, in some way or another, for all of the coming years of coparenting, and then, as a grandparent to any kids the kid has.....This is life. This is life in the age of divorce and reconnection and repartnering and remarriage.....if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with you first love, you need to look into learning the skills that go with this kind of relationship, so that you will have confidence in your own abilities to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. Best of luck and love
DreamerGirl85 DreamerGirl85 4 years
You know what. He's with you. He wants YOU. If he wanted her he would be with her. He would be calling her, visiting her, harrassing her if he still wanted her and she didnt. Is he doing that? No? Well guess what? HE WANTS YOU!! Its really that simple. And its all good news honey :)
lauraxtc lauraxtc 4 years
Perhaps because you feel like you can never take her place? Maybe? I have been in your shoes and I would be sick with jealousy and then I realized why the person he use to be with, left him in the first place.   If he is good to you and isn't constantly comparing you to his ex, then relax. Just go with the flow and enjoy him. Get to truly know him.  
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
I doubt you have anything to worry about. Divorces and marriages aren't like returning clothes, or saying oops it was all a big mistake. Divorces are final and they spent money to get one. The courts ask several times if both parties had time to think about what they're doing. The fact that his parents act as a neutral party for their son is normal and also a sign of two people who can barely stand each other. If she instigated the divorce she'll keep her distance and start dating. He'll probably hate her for it for the rest of his life and never forgive her.....if you're smart you'll learn blow off the situation completely and help him take care of his son to the best of your abilities. Make sure he's ready to move on. It's up to him to move on but men have egos. Let him handle any problems with her because she's not your problem. Get your nails done and ask him when's a good time to go out if he has any confrontations. No one needs that kind of baggage or they cross those people off the list anyway. Besides its not like your engaged. You've only been dating him for eight months so there's no real investment yet for you.
BiWife BiWife 4 years
you feel that way because you don't want to lose what you have. however, being irrationally jealous and insecure about the ex-wife is only going to hurt you and make it more likely that you will lose the good relationship that you have. if you're concerned about how the ex-wife treats your bf, then talk to him about it. sadly, there's nothing you can do to get this woman out of your life (or his) since there is a child in the middle, so you will have to figure out how to make peace with the situation. Perhaps you could talk to your bf's parents for some perspective on things, especially if they're helping out as a go-between for him and his ex, they should have a really good idea of where everyone stands. My step-son turns 11 next month, so we've still got 7 more years of paying child support and dealing with my hubby's psycho ex. I at least have the advantage that she lives on the opposite side of the country and refuses to allow my husband to have any relationship with his son, so it's purely a financial relationship. It can be rough trying to deal with having someone else's ex stuck in your life, but people are package deals (we all have some sort of baggage) and you've got to take the bad with the good.
Aquadave Aquadave 4 years
You worry to much stop before it hurts a good thing you have
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. He's not showing any signs that he's not over her. She probably did break his heart. Divorce is a tough, emotional thing. However, it sounds like he's moved on. People do get over heartbreaks and can love again. I dated a guy who was divorced and he talked about his ex wife constantly, and they were always doing stuff together with their kids. He gave tons of indications that he hadn't moved on, but he described it as "doing what's best for the kids." It doesn't sound like you're in any sort of similar situation, so I would stop stressing about it. Truth is, as an adult in today's society, you are very likely to date guys who have ex wives and kids.
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