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Boyfriend Can't Give Me Orgasm

Group Therapy: No Fireworks in Bed

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I finally admitted to my boyfriend of 5 years that he doesn't give me orgasms in bed. We only have sex about once every two months (we don't live together, have strict parents.)

He asked me what he wanted me to do to help me . . . but I don't know! I've never had an orgasm during sex or oral, only when I am masturbating. Does anyone have any tips on what we can try? He turns me on so much, and now he feels inadequate that he can't do this.


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strangehunny strangehunny 6 years
I didn't have an orgasm until I was almost 30. Once I learned how I simply couldn't get enough. Have to admit another woman had to show me the way --not saying run out and get a woman because you seem to have figured out the mystery so far all by yourself. It did take me a while to find a guy who could rock my world --so for a long time it was toy-orgasm-please lover. Some men have a thing about a toy "replacing" them but once they saw that for me it had not so much to do with penetration but a lot to do with clit stimulation they were all for trying out all sorts of toys to rock my world. One thing I explained to the dudes in my life was that I truly enjoyed intercourse-even crave it-but it didn't send me over the edge alone and once they saw it was a stimulation thing they always were eager to please one way or another. Invest in a really good vibrator and pick it out together and let him know it is another "tool" in his toolbox to whip out and take care of you with. After a while you will realize you may not even need it anymore. I now orgasm sometimes just thinking about it. I look back at those 30 yrs of nothing and now shrug. You will move past this.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
If you are confident enough masturbate and let him watch. Then after a few times take his hand and guide him. It sounds a bit clinical but I also suggest oral with you passing full instructions to him.. I think you'll get there but don't worry about trying to achieve this through penetration, just concentrate on getting there.
northen123 northen123 6 years
Try a position where you'll both be pressed against each other, so that it causes you to 'rub' against him. Also, there's no harm in *ahem* giving yourself a helping hand during sex. You might find that your partner actually likes seeing you do that. More importantly, though, is to take time to actually discover what makes your body react. We usually focus on one particular area for arousal, but you could potentially turn your entire body into one big erogenous zone if you wanted to!
sagagirl sagagirl 6 years
I think you should first seek medical help and see a sex therapist. The suggestions given by the others are good but if you have some sexual inhibitions from your strict upbringing you may need professional help to liberate yourself. Our prude patriarchal society has us all so jacked up it is a wonder any woman has an orgasm. I agree that an orgasm is mostly mental and the fact that you can achieve one while masturbating probably means your problem is not physical.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 6 years
I think that having an orgasm is more of a mental thing, you need to be relaxed. But at the same time you need to be focused on having an orgasm. Maybe there's something keeping you from it, like some fear or inhibition or worry. In the meantime, just talk with your boyfriend to assuage his fears and insecurities right now. He probably can't help but feel that it's his fault you can't orgasm. Just try new positions, and most importantly, talk during sex. Move him around. Tell him where to go. Tell him what you like and don't like. And use lots of lube. And if you can feel comfortable enough, masturbate and orgasm right in front of him (close your eyes if you must). Men need instruction. So let him watch you, and let him explore your body. It could be that he doesn't even know where your clit is, or how to reach it.
myhousemd myhousemd 6 years
1) Let him know that you have only had an orgasm while masturbating, so it's not his fault. If he feels insecure, it will show. 2) Experiment with different positions, and be sure to vocalize what you do and don't like best during sex. Try some lubes, toys, and extra foreplay to help heighten your arousal.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Tell him exactly what you want. Have him masturbate you, the way you want it done, or use another position or techinique you like, etc. Or are you more of the cuddling type?
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