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Boyfriend Comes Home Drunk

Group Therapy: What Should I Do About My Drunk Boyfriend?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over three years now; we moved in together in July. I think we have a good relationship, ups and downs. My boyfriend works downtown at a popular pizzeria (that specializes in serving the late night bar crowd). He works every Friday (and usually Saturday night, too) and he will start drinking when his shift is getting close to being done at 10 p.m.

I miss spending time with him these nights because we are both busy with school and don't have a lot of time for each other in the evenings usually. He always just says that he's going to have a few drinks after work with his work buddies, but night after night he stumbles in the door after 2 or 3 a.m. and then spends the next hour or so vomiting his brains out and of course I've got to help him.


One of his work buddies that he texts every Friday night is a girl who has a reputation for being a homewrecker and I can't stand that every Friday night he is out with HER (and some other work buddies) instead of spending time with me! I try my best to be understanding that he wants to go out and have some drinks with friends after work, but my patience is totally waning — especially after having just been woken up from a deep sleep so that I can make sure he's not passing out in the shower.

Tonight while he was at work I texted him to ask if he could just skip the drinks after work this one time so that we could spend time together and he just responded telling me he was getting drinks with his buddies after work and that I shouldn't guilt trip him. When he came home tonight I checked to see if he was getting the messages I was sending him (only a few) and he was — he just wasn't responding to them like he was to his girl co-worker's messages. I don't bother explaining why I am so upset when he comes home drunk at night because I know this is not a time to resolve things — but when I go to talk to him about it in the morning he acts like I am an insane person for being upset about it.

I have a hard time explaining why this makes me so upset and feel so sad because he is much faster at expressing his opinions than I am and pretty soon I can only hear his words and while he knows I'm pissed, nothing gets resolved. I don't know what to do anymore, because I know I deserve better than this. Do you think my frustration is justified? Should I be worried about this girl co-worker? How can I tell him that his late night drinking every time he works is fun for him but sucks for me?

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juls444 juls444 6 years
oh my... texting and hanging out at night with this co-worker but not his own gif? onlysourcherry stated it best- this is his problem, not yours. You have the option to leave and not deal with his crap. I know it is hard to leave a relationship. I made the mistake several years ago of not trusting my intuition and it turned out that my worst fears were confirmed. You seem very dedicated and loyal and the type of person that wants to spend quality time with your significant other- don't you want to find someone who shares these qualities?
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
This guy sounds very selfish, and he's definitely one of those guys who doesn't realize what he has until he's lost it. He's not going to change. He's proved that by ignoring your texts and your request not to drink that night. That alone shows that he has little respect for you. It's horrible to invest that much time into a relationship only to have the person change, but it happens. You deserve better and should move on. If my boyfriend acted like yours, I would dump him in a heartbeat.
nylorac nylorac 6 years
why don't you go out with your girlfriends for a weekend and leave him passing out on the floor? he has to learn that he can't treat you like this every single weekend. he should be lucky that he even has you. what was he doing before you moved in together? i'm sure he wasn't getting passed out drunk every friday and saturday night. but i agree that this guy is a total loser who doesn't deserve you. you're not a doormat, you're his girlfriend.
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 6 years
I agree with everyone else, too. DTMFA
jenjen82 jenjen82 6 years
I agree with everyone else and am wondering how is he getting home? I hope he's not driving, because vomit will be the least of your problems if he kills himself or someone else.
vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 6 years
I pretty much agree with everyone else. I had a guy like this. We dated for a year before moving in together. When we moved in together he would come home drunk two or three nights a week. It was heart breaking. It felt I was doing al the work to make sure we stayed together and he did what he pleased. I was totally in love with him and didn't want it to end. Eventually, though, I had to face the fact that this guy didn't care that he was hurting my feelings night after night. And really, no matter what leads up to it, you want to be with someone that couldn't care less that they are hurting you. Honestly, if he slapped you across the face for no good reason, you know you wouldn't put up with it. The only thing that's different about emotionally hurting someone is that its harder to prove. No matter what he says, you're not being too sensitive. I think you already know in your heart what you have to do and you're just finding the courage to walk away. Remember, it's never as scary to be alone as you impinge. XO
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
This guy sounds like a total asshole. You've tried talking to him and he shuts you down every time. This isn't a good relationship. If it were a good relationship, he'd want to spend time with you and your opinions would matter to him. I say move on and find someone worth your time.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 6 years
He obviously has a severe drinking problem, no one who doesn't would come home so drunk that they are throwing up over and over again. The fact that he doesn't see this is an issue and just talks over you and won't listen, he's an ass. I don't know how old you are but this guy sounds like he's a child and acts the way I remember old bfs acting when I was 20. You deserve way better, and I would get out if I were you. Honestly it may be a huge wake up call to him and hopefully help him change, but you probably should never go back. As for his girl co-worker, this is shady. If he loved you he would respond to you and never give you a reason to doubt him. He may not have cheated on you yet, but he's on his way.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
He has a drinking problem. You have an a**hole problem. Luckily, there is a known cure for your affliction. Break up with the loser. Leave him a hair tie and say that now he doesn't need you to hold his hair back.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Okay, so your relationship is not working out. Time to break up and find someone more mature. On a personal note, I hate guys like this. They give the rest of us a bad name - if only they understood how wasteful it is to behave like this. They waste their time, their money, their gf's goodwill and their health. Losers.
hilberkl hilberkl 6 years
Seriously, I feel like my ex is all these guys on here wrapped into one. He will only change if he wants to and seems like he has no desire to change and be a better boyfriend to you.
Mysterious Mysterious 6 years
Why don't you speak to him and let him know how you feel. Make sure you tell him that you cannot take this anymore and that if he doesn’t change his behavior you are going to leave him. Make sure he understands that you are serious and that he needs to do something to solve the problem. If he doesn’t then I think you should pack your things and move out of there. He obviously rather spend his free time with his friends than with you, so you are not his priority. Why would you stay with someone who doesn’t appreciate you or want to be with you? You can find yourself someone much better who really loves you and don’t make you go through something like that. Remember we are worth so much and we have to put some standards. Good luck!
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 6 years
Pistil's right. You even said it yourself: you know you deserve better than this, despite how long you two have been together. Now, normally I wouldn't say you have to worry about other girls because he's coming home to you in the end, but I'd feel a bit fishy about him texting other girls and just ignoring mine. All it takes is some planning, and a great girlfriend who's got a big comfy couch. Let me explain a little. You've got all this time when he's out with his 'work buddies', so console in a girlfriend or cousin or SOMEONE of yours that you trust. Take a full day and pack up your things. Get her to help if she can. Leave a note on the table (or in the shower so he can read and not pass out when he gets home) with the basics: it's over, you're an asshole, don't call me ever again, PUH-EACE. For added effect, put on some lipstick and leave a big smack on the outside of the note when you fold it. If he ever calls, texts, WHATEVER, forget it. You need to give him something he sounds like he's deserved for a while. You sound smart enough to find a man who won't be able to wait until he's off work to be with you, and who will consider your feelings BECAUSE HE SINCERELY LOVES YOU.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
You can't resolve anything if he refuses to consider what you have to say. I know three years is a long time to invest in a relationship, but wouldn't you rather be with someone who has a little more respect for you and his brain cells? How can you tell him? It's over.
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