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Boyfriend's Crazy Ex Won't Stop Contacting Him

Group Therapy: What to Do About His Crazy Ex

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend about a month, and before me he dated this other girl for about a year and a half, and she broke up with him around three months before I started dating him. In no way was I the reason for their breakup; I didn't even know him then. But his ex continuously tries to sabotage our relationship.

She sends me messages saying he has hooked up with other girls (which I know are complete lies and she is just crazy) and I deleted her as a friend on Facebook when this first started happening but still she messages me and tries to add me as a friend again. Not to mention the fact that she calls my boyfriend at least 3 times a day.


He never answers because he is done with her but she still wants him back. He always shows me the texts she sends him, which are like six pages long, just saying that they belong together and she loves him and please won't he take her back. Sometimes he responds saying no he is done, but sometimes he just ignores her.

A few times she has even shown up at our school on a "college visit" which is beyond creepy. I would have no problem with him keeping in contact with her if it was purely just friendly (instead of her constantly trying to convince him to leave me), but it seems unlikely that she will be happy with just being friends with him.

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BiWife BiWife 6 years
I have to say that there is definitely something to be said about being wary of guys that *keep* their crazy exes. It's one thing to have someone go nuts on you and another thing to allow someone to be a continuous nutters presence in your life. My stepson's mom is a total nutjob (vascillating between "I hate you, you'll never see your son" and "I love you, we should be a family") but my husband very quickly cut off all ties with her, unless it involved direct contact with his son. I had a girl that I went out on one date with and for nearly 2 years she went around saying I was her f@*# buddy & used that to make her various gf's jealous. I only let it go on that long because I refused to talk to her but one of her gf's decided to stalk me at work over the whole thing so it wasn't just gossip that I could ignore. I dealt with it by filing a complaint with our hr dept (both my "ex" and her new gf were coworkers in a diff dept from me), the security service at my apt complex & work, and made sure they both knew cops were on speed dial at that point. And this was all before Facebook/myspace were big deals. Add social-media stalking and anyone that not only can but does put up with that kind of constant in-your-face drama has some serious issues - likely with needing to be the center of attention, low self-esteem, or good old fashioned narcissism.
goldenjaya goldenjaya 6 years
I disagree with the posters who say it's likely his fault-- people react how they are going to react to a breakup. It is certainly not necessarily a reflection on the other person in the relationship. Additionally, while I think you need to be careful about maintaining "unhealthy" contact with this woman, there is something to be said for not blocking her altogether: it pays to know what your "enemy" is up to-- especially if this ends up becoming a legal situation involving restraining orders. While I certainly wouldn't *encourage* her to contact either of you further, perhaps the advice about saving all of her communications will provide warning for the future-- or evidence of the past-- if you find yourself in a situation where you need it desperately.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
I just wanted to add that if you had properly blocked her on facebook then she would not even be able to see your profile, let alone try to add you as a friend. Your profile would not be visible or accessible to her at all. I 100% agree with onlysourcherry on this one. I acted 'crazy' in the past with an ex (although not nearly as stalkerish crazy as the girl in question). Want to know why? Because I dated my ex bf for three years, (whom I loved so much), he dumps me for no apparent reason, then I come to find out that he has a date with another girl one week after he dumped me! That situation would make most girls feel brutally betrayed and act irrationally. I think that he actually liked it that I was really upset and jealous, it made him feel important or something. So, YES, always be wary of a guy with a 'crazy ex', because there is usually more to the story then you know about it. For all you know, he was dating both of you at the same time or still having sex with her. Maybe he treated her horribly and she is really emotionally messed up because of him. Maybe he has dated other girls but always gone back to her in the end. However, I am not defending this woman because obviously she has some serious issues. But it is not usually the case that the guy in question is an angel and the girl behaved that way for no apparent reason, although that is probably exactly what he wants you think. Why is he showing you her crazy messages? Why doesn't he tell her to fuck off? He is probably feeding into the drama, which if I were you, would make me question what type of man he truly is. Be careful and ask him why he has not done anything. He could call the phone company and block her phone number. Why are you afraid of his reaction???? He should be looking out for your best interest, and you should feel comfortable enough to tell him how you feel. Something doesn't seem right to me. Why isn't he afraid of scaring you away and losing you? If he cared about you a lot, he would have the common sense to see that it reflects badly on him that his ex is acting this way. Some things to think about. Good luck.
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
** sorry, just caught your comment about adding her on facebook
LikeThoseShoes LikeThoseShoes 6 years
I dont understand why y'all were friends on facebook in the first place. you have the option of blocking her... so does your boyfriend. Also... if she is going to these creepy lengths why doesnt your boyfriend block her number? ignoring her is your best option. she'll soon realize her efforts are getting her no where. make your pages private so she cant see what you're doing/ how you're doing or where youre going... simple as that.
snarkypants snarkypants 6 years
i agree with medenginer, except that on facebook, you can block her. that way she cannot find you on facebook, period. so don't bother e-mailing them, as they are not exactly known for caring about their users. onlysourcherry also has a good point. most guys with crazy exes are pretty crazy themselves.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
"He has a crazy ex" is often a relationship red flag. Usually he did something to make her so mad, he likes and is attracted to that drama, and if he is so disrespectful of his ex, that can be an indicator that he lacks respect for women. Maybe somewhere out there is this amazingly nice guy who has a crazy stalker ex, but I've yet to see this is real life. I'd keep my eyes open if I were you.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I'm with medenginer. Your boyfriend should change his phone number.
medenginer medenginer 6 years
Here is my take on it. Send a message that you will get a restraining order if she contacts you again. Get her blocked on your phone or change the number, email face book and see what you can get them to do about it or ignore her. Remove yourself as much as possible away from the situation. As for him that's his decision what he will do about it and when he shows a text tell him that your not interested in what she has to say.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
There are laws against stalking. Maybe a Temporary Restraining Order is called for.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
I've never had to deal with a crazy ex. Thank God. Although I know some of my wife's friends who are in relationships, married or otherwise, with men who have crazy ex's. Is dumping him an option? Peace of mind is very valuable...
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
Mncheerbabe, There are two ways to be assertive, one is to do it tenderly, and the other is to be hostile. Make sure you remain supportive and loving while talking to him. Here is how to handle the conversation. Hold his hand and look him in the eye. Tell him that you are ‘concerned’ about all of the drama she is bringing into his life and into your life. Next (and this is where most people make a mistake) do not tell him how you feel about this, and do not tell him what to do. Instead, get him to talk about how he feels about all of this. Is he trying to protect her? Does he feel sorry for her? Most important, get him to say out loud any dilemma he may feel about all of this. On the one hand he feels ----- but on the other hand he feels -----. On the one hand he wants to ----- but at the same time he feels -----. After all of this, then you can tell him how you feel about all of this and what you want him to do. But if he is clever enough, he will figure all of this out without you telling him what to do at all! The trick is to just get him to say out loud how he feels about all of this and the dilemma he is in. Of course, if he does not feel conflicted at all, you need to start getting very assertive. But try all of this and let us know how it works out. Keep us posted as to how it turns out.
mncheerbabe mncheerbabe 6 years
To clear up the Facebook thing-she requested to be my friend on Facebook after we started dating, along with some of my friends that were tagged in pictures with my boyfriend(should have seen the warning signs at that point...), yes I accepted her request which was a bad idea but that was before she started doing any of this. When the first message came from her I deleted her and now I have her blocked, but she still tries to add me. I believe he doesn't want to hurt her further by cutting off communication with her because he is a really good guy, I'm understanding of their history together which is why I am reluctant to give him an ultimatum of "her or me" (so to speak) so early on in the relationship but it has to stop.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
One more thing-it is weird that you were Facebook friends but you claim you did not to know of him and he rebounded so quickly with you after a year and a half relationship.People usually post their relationship status on FB so if you had access to her page you would most likely have known who he was. Are you sure he was'nt seeing her when he started seeing you? If that's the case her anger is justifiable though I'm not condoning her actions.
Ac2366 Ac2366 6 years
Why were you her friend on Facebook if you didn't know her prior to dating your boyfriend? I bet your all of your settings are completely public too. Blocking her would prevent her from sending you messages and friend requests. It's that easy. Your boyfriend needs to handle the rest of the mess. It doesn't seem like he's very motivated to do so. He could easily change is phone number and block her on Facebook if she refuses to stop contacting him. Either that's too much work or he just doesn't want to do it. Try to stay out of the middle as much as you can. You haven't been with him very long. Think about whether the lack of respect he is showing you by not taking any actions to cut her off is worth it.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
I agree it's on your boyfriend but there's nothing like the occasional gang bang to get someone to shut the hell up.Smh People hate to be ganged up on. He needs to tell her off but if you are in the background egging him on for her to hear without speaking to her directly she'll get the point. It will hurt the hell out of her ego and she will see without a shadow of adoubt he is on your side. It's cruel but it gets the job done. You have to be cruel to be kind in this situation.before she hurts you or herself. I would do this only once and leave any other confrontations for him to handle and not have any more contact with her. He probably does'nt want to be the dirtbag or make her cry etc. Too bad.. things have gone far enough and she's not respecting you or your feelings. She doe'snt care if you are stressed or crying over this situation, she's selfish and mean, so the hell with her. I hate to be so harsh but just hearing about the disgusting way this woman is acting is pissing me off. You don't deserve this and it's time to put her in her place. It's time for your boyfriend to Man Up. Good luck
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
This is totally on your boyfriend. He should be the one dealing with her, not you. I am raising my eyebrows a bit at his behavior, him showing you her long psycho texts, etc. A guy who was really done with someone would not want her jeopardizing his new relationship. He is either lazy, ambivalent about both of you, or is just a weakling who doesn't want to "deal with it". It's up to you how long you want to deal with his passivity and her aggression.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Your boyfriend has too put his foot down-she is not going to let up. I was in a similar situation several months ago. I got back together with my boyfriend after we broke up-this woman he dated during our breakup went absolutely psycho when we got back together. I already suspected she was a psycho stalker but my boyfriend had to see it for himself. She's ivy league educated and a social worker, therefore it was hard for him to believe she was that far gone. At first he ignored her because his rational was that he did not want to 'reward" her with a response, which is what she wanted. Things kept escalating and she started going into full stalker mode. We had to both warn her to stop, as a united front-we told her we spoke to the police (which we did) and unfortunately she left us no choice but to be really mean about it when we called her. Only then did she back down probably out of fear of a restraining order and losing her job.. It amazes me how many unstable, lovesick women there are lurking about. It's scary...and it's often the ones that come off as completely together and rational. It brings to mind the sad story about the psychologist who got stuck and died in her lover's chimney trying to get into his place because he would not speak to her. I don't know why the women of today seem to think a man is worth their sanity, self respect and sometimes their lives-and sometimes someone else's life. You two need to nip this in the bud NOW. Ignoring her at this point is not going to solve the problem. She is not mentally stable and it will only get worst.Take the necessary precautions to protect yourselves, tell her about it, then ignore her. Most likely she'll stop after you do this.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I know her behavior bugs the hell out of you. And I'd feel the same way! But look at it like this: she is doing the WORST thing she can do to get him back. This means she poses just about the least danger to your relationship out of anyone you know. Because psychos aint sexy--at least not the desperate dumped ones. This isn't your problem to handle anyway. As Kurnia says above, it's your bf's job to tell her to quit. Your best bet is to stay out of it as much as possible and refer each issue to your bf.
missmonster1993 missmonster1993 6 years
my bad,i posted my
missmonster1993 missmonster1993 6 years
My ex bf broke up with me after he found out his ex was preggo, I think i might be pregnant too? I had only been with this guy for about a week or two, and i feel horrible for sleeping too soon with him. I was on birth control (ortha evra patch) but i fell off the 23rd but last time i had sex was 22nd. I dont have any other patches to put on. The ovulation calculator i was ovulating on the 23rd. My period is suppose to come by this wensday. But i havent been feeling good,.Ive have been having some cramps and minor back pain But im scared, ive been drinking beer and smoking pot would it affect my chances of getting preggo. Im worried, to the point i have really slept and my eating habits has gone crazy. I have not ate much. How would i tell him if i was pregnant, im sure he would be devastated, knowing he got two girls knocked up around the same time. How would i be able to tell him, should i take the test and show him, should i tell him i am late or should i tell him nothing at all. I dont think i can keep this baby, id rather give to adoption. Im only 16 , hes 19. I dont think he would want to keep the baby if i was preggo. ..I had unprotected sex and he came in me the whole time.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
If your bf wants/chooses to end the whole craziness, then HE will be the one to end it. It's her communication to him. YOU can't stop her from contacting him no matter how hard you try. It's confusing to me WHY you are scared talking about this to him because if this broke you guys up, honey, you guys are never meant to be anyway. And thank your lucky stars that you've only been involved in this hot mess for only 1 month. Imagine going through with the same crap for years with him completely ignorant of every common sense possible in regards of your feeling. You can't make your bf stop talking to her, but you can definitely make the suggestion that he not do that anymore because he's adding to her obsession for him if he responds to her communication and appeal to his sense as to feel sorry for her enough to let her go (be cruel to be kind by blocking her) so she can move on from her obsession. Then again, blocking this girl who seems mentally unstable (if your bf isn't provoking anything) may cause her to act crazier than ever too. So really, there is no guarantee on what she'll do. I suggest strongly that you don't talk to her anymore, completely ignore her, but just keep every communication coming from her saved. Suggest your bf to save every communication from her too while ignoring her and if he does end up blocking her and she still sent him messages from another account, save those too. If she crossed the line from lovesick obsessed to crazy, potentially violent stalker, then I encourage you to first send her the last warning communication as in: if you don't stop your communication we will be getting a restraining order. And if she doesn't take it seriously do apply for a restraining order against her. This is all IF your bf of 1 month isn't secretly encouraging her behavior behind your back. I don't know what your bf is doing behind your back, and neither do you. Good luck.
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