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Boyfriend Doesn't Trust Me

"Boyfriend Doesn't Trust Me With Other Guys, Even When They're Gay"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Here's my dilemma. I left my boyfriend a few years ago and we got back together recently. I know this is usually a bad idea, although things have gone quite well. We split because I was young and stupid and ended up with another guy. Other than me, there were minimal problems in the relationship (Indian vs. Thai, UNC vs. NC State).

We've been living together for several months and some of my guy friends came into town so I went out with them. I told him where I was going and who I was with, and he was still upset. Mind you, they're gay guys, though you wouldn't know it unless they told you. He explained to me that he still has trust issues and then asked how I would feel if he went out with three girls I never met and came home drunk on a weeknight. I conceded to that point and I know I did something stupid a long time ago, but I wish he would trust me more or that there was something I could do to reassure him that I'm not that person anymore. The other thing is, I would love for him to meet them so we could all hang out but he refuses, not because they're gay, but because he hates meeting new people. How am I supposed to handle this?

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henna-red henna-red 5 years
That's great. I get that he's not comfortable meeting new people, but that is something for him to work on, because no one has a successful life without developing some skills around new people. And again, I will say that he is your boyfriend, not you parent, and he doesn't get to decide who gets to be in your life and who doesn't. You get to decide that. Him laying down rules that you boht have not agreed upon is controling. And ultimately it will not work in a balanced relationship. There are things you each decide for yourselves, and things you decide and agree upon as a couple. Cheating is something that can take time to get over. You've had five years apart, and have come back together, have been together for several months, and if this is the first time you two have had this issue come up, it won't be the last. So setting up a process for dealing with it now is important. And dealing with it effectively will never be about him deciding how it gets done and you just going along with it. Again, this is a partnership, not a parent child relationship. This is an issue that needs negotiation, and compromise. And if he's learning that you can spend time with your male friends without compromising your relationship then that's great. You're rebuilding trust. It does take time, it does take transparencey in the relationship. You letting him know where you are and whom you're with, and inviting to include him are the things you should do. If he chooses not to include himself, for whatever reason, then he has taken away his opportunity to reassure himself, to learn that your actions are ok. Ultimately, as I said before, if he can't find it in himself to trust you with trying to put restrictions on you, then this won't work out. good luck, sounds like you've made a positive step. I hope things work out, and continue to progress well, and your boyfriend gets past the past transgression.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
I'm the poster... to clarify a few points, here. When I said I did something stupid a long time ago, it was when I cheated on him at 19. I'm 24 now, we got back together last fall. I did come home relatively tipsy, which is unusual for me on a weeknight. Again, though, I do ask him to be involved, he just isn't comfortable with new people. It seems that it's less a jealousy issue and more how he feels on any given day about the subject. He was irritated with me initially, but we went out again last night and he didn't seem to have a problem with it. I also failed to mention that the first night I came home with presents a friend brought me from overseas as well and then called me to check and make sure I was home safely, which may have looked more suspicious than I initially thought. I'm not sure if he's warming up to the idea or he's just humoring me because he knows I'm social, but he seems to be coming around.
allyjan allyjan 5 years
I'm in a relationship where my boyfriend cheated on me at the start and I forgave him and gave him another chance. I've no problem with him hanging around other girls or talking to them, the only way to forgive someone and give them another chance after something like that is if you are able to trust them again. He never has gone out with other girls but they have been girls he grow up with and has also brought me along. You have offered to bring him so he should have gone and also the fact they are gay shouldn't bother he at all. It is not fair to expect you not to go out with them, if he won't go with you. This is his problem and you should also talk to him about the trust he needs to get over it, its not fair on you cause you know what you did was wrong and every time trust is brought into it, you probably feel guilt for something you did years ago and its also not fair on him cause paranoia is an awful thing to constantly go through. Your relationship will not last unless he can make the effort to meet new people and come out with you and get over the trust issues. If not you will need to consider staying there or leaving as you said you have changed but if he can't see this or go get help to overcome it then you need to get out.
chibros chibros 5 years
Hi dear Henna, reading from your own perspective, it made sense as well and I agreed to some. I dropped my own comment based on what the OP wrote: - Firstly, The guy refused to meet them just because "he hates meeting new people". That's his personality and he abide to it. If he's that jealous guy, he'll agree to the idea against his personality just to go and snoop them. - Secondly, her bf asked her a question "if he went out with 3 girls I never met and came home drunk on a weeknight". I guess the OP knows what he's talking about just that she didn't elaborate further + she "conceded to that point and I know I did something stupid a long time ago," - Finally, OP didn't wrote anything about the guy "refusing", "stopping" or "controlling" her from meeting her friends. Rather he was very honest to explain his feeling which was the "trust issue". It is left for the girl to make her decision (which might be the reason why she's here or maybe because she made a decision against her will). That's it. If they're willing to get back together, then they should be ready to bare the consequences or they should once discuss and trash out the past if they want to have a healthy relationship. It takes maturity, time and communication to deal with this issue
henna-red henna-red 5 years
I completely disagree. He is being unreasonable. He says he doesn't trust you because of the past. You offered and wanted him to meet your friends and he refused. That is unreasonable. First, the way to heal a broken trust, is transparency, not control by the other person. You offered transparency. Not only that, but you want him to meet your friends, people you love and who are important to you, you want him to participate in your life, which is part of a successful relationship, and he refused. That's a problem in itself. He chose to return to this relationship. He knew that there was a problem in the past. he knows that you are not so young, that you have matured and he agreed to try this again. If he did that with some personal understanding that he would get to decide on all of the rules and all of the boundaries, and he would get to choose whom you may see and whom you may not, then he came back into this with a totaly unreasonable, and unworkable attitude. Healing a broked trust is more difficult than starting from scratch, with no bagage. It can take more time to build the trust. But if he is unwilling to extend himself, and take the steps to rebuild the trust, then you in trouble. At some point, if he can't get past his own insecurities, and accept that you will make appropriate choices, choices that support your love, your relationship, then this will never work. He is your boyfriend, not your father. He does not get to decide who you see and who you don't. You told him where you were going and who you were going with, you offered to include him, you did everything right. You didn't show up drunk with strangers. That analogy is bull@%t. You made the responsible choice, he refused to accept them. If he can't step into a mature role as a partner, not a parent who gets to control you, then I see a breakup coming in the future. If you allow him to limit your choices, as a parent, then this will never stop. You need to teach him now that that is unacceptable. He needs to learn that you are trustworthy by you acting trustworthy, and that's what you did. Your actions were completely reasonable, his were not. If you want a mature, balanced, partnership that is not grounded in his control issue, his lack of trust, then it needs to start now. He needs to get past his issue, and learn to trust you. He needs to learn to let this past issue go, or it will follow you for the rest of your life, or at least the rest of this relationship. That's what makes visiting old relationships hard, the letting go. I can't say it strongly enough, I totaly disagree with chibros, here. Being partnered doesn't mean your partner getting to tell you who your friends can be and who he is comfortable with you hanging out with. Good luck. This is always a sensitive situation
chibros chibros 5 years
I would say, you're the unreasonable one. Don't blame him, trust doesn't fall from heaven or come from ones' word of mouth especially you were the one that betrayed him and now you've started hanging out with male friends again (regardless of their orientation), definitely, that was how it all started previously. He has asked you one simple question "If it would be him that will go out with 3 girls" being it lesbian or not, how would you feel? what would you want him to do? That's exactly what he would want from you too. As you've admitted, you were totally wrong previously, if you want things to be better (including the trust), it would requires patience, understanding and compromise from your side. And compromising meeting those friends is one of them. You have to choose between him and your gay friends, the one that is more important to you. Besides his attitude on this wasn't based on normal jealousy or control freak but it was because of your betrayal. If you don't like the idea, you might as well chose to be single and hangout with anybody as you want.
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