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Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Commit

"I've Wasted 6 Years on a Guy Who Still Doesn't Want to Commit"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met a guy, dated him, he got confused, needed space, we dated again, became friends with benefits since he felt he couldn't commit to a relationship, then changed his mind, we dated again, he needed space . . . you get it. He is a very defensive person and would frequently take my inflection of text out of context, calling me stupid and using snide comments like "That's why we aren't together — because you act like this." or "Because of you, we will never work."

I love him, but I don't love how indecisive he is with his feelings for me. He tells me I make him want to meet other women, but then he gets jealous when I talk to other guys. Some days he tells me that we can continue to be friends with benefits instead of dating so that we can both move on. Then other days he tells me he can't imagine his life without me. I just need to get off this roller coaster.


I have broken things off with him and then the above happens, but only in the way that he can't "live" without me. This has been happening for six years now. So many wasted years! How can I get out of this?

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Join The Conversation
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
If you're openly admitting it's a waste of time, it's a waste of time. Any guy who says, "we aren't together because you act like this" but then says "he can't live without you" is emotionally manipulative and that's something you can live without. For an experiment, if you think you have the willpower, maintain contact but don't have sex. See how long it is before he decides he needs to talk to other women again. Or simply cut off all contact, he may realize what he had going was a great thing and come around, or he may just show you what an idiot he is.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
Everyone is right. Cut off all contact. Don't give into him, even if he whines or begs, which he probably will do. He basically is thinking about what it best for him, and has been for a long time. Your needs and desires are meaningless to him. The FWB "relationship" just blurs those isn't a relationship, it is exercise with an orgasm. You want a committed relationship...fine. This guy will never give it to you. The six years you spent may have seemed wasted, but think of it as a time and experience that has helped you define what you really want, and a casual sexual relationship with this guy isn't it. Walk away, and go out and find the love you want and deserve.
karlotta karlotta 5 years
You get out of it by getting out of it. You are in control of the situation, believe it or not; you can just say no, and apply all the good advice below. Nobody is forcing you to stick around, except for yourself. It's difficult to get out of this type of cycle and relationship, because you've obviously got invested feelings for him. But you know it's fruitless, and all it will take is willpower. And more self-esteem.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
You already know what you need to do, now you just need to do it. It may seem hard but cut him off, move on and never look back. All you have to do is make the decision and follow through on that. It can sound easier said than done but all we really can do is make the choice and stick with it. You will be so much happier a few months down the road when your heart is free to find someone else
genesisrocks genesisrocks 5 years
So I think from your story, it's pretty clear that you know you should leave and want to leave. Good for you for recognizing what a crummy situation this is. I definitely agree that you need to cut him out of your life. Delete his number off your phone, his email address, his facebook, anything and everything, just get rid of all means of contacting him. And if he tries to call you, ignore him. Please. Don't even read his texts or answer his calls. Go on other dates and have fun with your life. You've spent long enough on this guy
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I agree with kurnia and Bubbles12. Take those two answers, smash em together, and you've got your plan. The trick is to actually do it! You can do it. Life is short.
steph1234 steph1234 5 years seems like you understand what is going on here, but maybe you're not ready to face the truth. He only wants you for sex. That's it...otherwise he would not request to not date but still be friends with benefits. He doesn't look at you for a true relationship and you need to move on. You may love him, but his relationship with you has been purely for sex.....nothing else, he has used you and you have allowed him to do so. Move on to someone who wants a real relationship with you and stop allowing him to use you!
natasiarose natasiarose 5 years
Defriend him on FB, unfollow him on twitter, block him on gchat and remove his number from your phone. Then get MAD. How dare he blame this "not working" on YOU when he is the one who has been stringing you along for 6 YEARS?! Cut the cord girl and find someone who will appreciate you.
beentheredonethat24 beentheredonethat24 5 years
Please dump him NOW! I was in the same trap for 3 years with a guy that "said" he was a commitment phob. It's only a commitment phob for girls they really don't care about. He dumped me to move in with his new girlfriend and their getting married. I can't believe I listened to all of his lies. They always try to make the fault yours. Run for your life. I'm soooo much better off now with a guy that cares about me and puts me first. Good Luck! I can understand how its hard to walk away, but I promise you will be so much happier once you do. And even more if you're the one that walked, instead of waiting till he finds the one he wants to commit to.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
Everyone will tell you what you've already said: you're wasting your time with the obvious guy drama. Guy drama is a woman's #1 way of staying childlike. We focus and obsess on them instead of developing ourselves. It's our way of not actually getting and giving actual respect and love. It's almost accepted as normal -- and that's really crazy! Are you ready to face your insides, what you truly desire, crave and want and face what's inside that wants you so distracted? Mom drama, dad drama, lack of confidence drama... If you start feeling the real feelings inside that are creating an obsession, you'll have a whole other life. Ready? Or do you want to continue on the merry-go-round? It will always be there for you. You can ride it your whole life. There will always be a guy around who will take this guy's place too. It really has to be about you shifting what you focus on.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
how do you get out? By saying to yourself that you're done, and then by saying it to him. And then sticking to it. Don't call , don't take his calls. Just say no. It's not like he can force you to do something you don't want to do.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Right now he's in total control of you. You know who should be? You. I'm sorry he's such a jerk and I'm glad you realize that he's not good for you. As stated above, you should completely cut contact with him and stick to it. You're better off alone than with someone who who emotionally abuses you. Good luck.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
You finally got tired of his crap and broke it off, now you just need to stay away. Change your number or block his calls, if you have facebook block him on that, block email. Bar all communication with him, tell him not to contact you. He doesn't deserve your time, he belittled you and blamed you for his problems. You don't need that in your life. You know he'll keep doing the same thing and making you feel bad. Its hard but you've got to stay away.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Well, I read that Einstein said that "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." That's a good word. Based upon your post, you seem to forget that wise man's quote :D. But I think you know what you need to do once you broke it off. Since you've always faltered when he reached out to you, and the same thing has been an M.O., how about when you dump him (or he dumps you first), don't ever respond to any attempts of him communicating with you. It does take lots of willpower and determination on your part, none of us can muster that for you. This is a ray of hope: after failed relationships in the past, I realize that even though at that time I thought I couldn't leave the wrong person (you know the story: kept repeating wrong things, now, looking back, hey, I could! I did it! I'm now free of that person and married to a wonderful person. So you could too! :) )
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