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Boyfriend Friends With Girl Who Likes Him

Group Therapy: Should My Boyfriend Be Friends With a Girl Who Likes Him?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost three years now. We started dating when I was 17 and we were in high school. The first few months were rocky, and he cheated on me with someone I considered a friend. Due to high school pressures, the drama ensued and I lost many friends because of my relationship, and my decision to stay with him. I believed that he would grow up and that his bad decision was due to his immaturity. Overall, he has grown up but we are still having some issues as of late.

We broke up recently and got back together. I feel as though sometimes he can be controlling in our relationship and very aggressive when it comes to fighting. We got into an argument the other day because a co-worker of his came forward and said she had feelings for him. I know that my boyfriend feels nothing for her, for his whole life he has always had a lot of friends that were girls, and says that nothing will come between us in that way. However, I for one do not believe that guys and girls can truly be good friends, especially if one has feelings for the other. We spent some time talking about it, until he decided I was "beating a dead horse." I felt like he wasn't really listening to me and how I feel. He feels strongly that it doesn't matter if she cares for him because he has no feelings back and that's what matters. Am I overreacting about this, or is he right? Should I let it go, or am I just being insecure because I don't have someone on the outside that likes me like that? Sometimes I feel pathetic for not having so many other friends like he does. How do I handle it when he sort of dismisses my concern about this girl?

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dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
I think what your man needs to do is reassure you that this girl is not a threat. It's obvious he knows you're insecure about this situation, but doesn't seem to have done anything to help you feel any less insecure, which I think is totally not gentleman-like. I had an obsessed coworker fall for my man a while back, for quite a long time. He was 'man' enough to update me with whatever happened between them such as the fact that she consistantly reminds him that if things don't work out between us, that she'll be there. That she left her boyfriend of 4 years she moved out here with because she fell for him. That her family hated her for breaking up with her boyrfiend because she fell in love with a taken man. He's chosen to stay friend with her given the fact that he's told me that he cheated on his last girlfriend before me. My trust in him was shaky at first, but he reassured me that everything was ok, and went forward to prove everything to me. He pulled strings so I would feel comfortable knowing he was being humble about befriending this girl. Eventually she moved on and is now seeing some other guys. Your guy doesn't seem like the kind of guy who is working hard enough to keep you. At least this is how I see it from a third person POV; it could very well be something else entirely from yours. All women deserve a man who will work to get her. We're prizes to be won, and a man needs to deserve the girl he works for. Look for this in your man, and if you don't see it, I'd say you need to bounce.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
My initial reaction is to dump this loser. You may think he has grown up but he clearly has a long way to go. He is being so disrespectful of your feelings and basically told you that he doesn't give a sh*t what you think. You have given up so much for him and when you are in a healthy relationship you will not have to get rid of any person or part of your life. Don't you want to be with someone who allows you to hold on to your friends, do what you want, and be happy? You don't sound happy, you sound miserable and that will stay until you get rid of this guy.
janiebd janiebd 5 years
My boyfriend's best friends are all girls; some of them I know have had feelings for him in the past. I am comfortable with the situation cause he tells me everything and doesn't leave room for my mind to run wild. I think it comes down to the fact that I know that if he had feelings for them then he would have been with them in the beginning, before I came around. I think that trust in a relationship is HUGE and unfortunately your boyfriend has made some errors in judgement that have left him in the situation where you don't trust him.... I'd take some time to evaluate your relationship again and make sure that this is something you can handle or if it's something you'll always be resenting him for. Good Luck!
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
Normally I would say to try to work things out, but given the rocky history between you two, I would walk. My boyfriend has a female friend who has told him that she has feelings for him, and that she's be there waiting for him if things with us didn't work out. He told me that he thought it would be best to not see her. She texts his occasionally, and I don't mind, because he's with me. He had a choice and he chose me. I think it's also mature that he told me about her feelings and decided for himself that they shouldn't get closer as friends. It's a little disrespectful that your boyfriend won't do that.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
this guy is bad news. Controlling, isolates you from your friends, cheats on you, maintains a friendship with a girl he knows has a crush on him for the ego boost (and maybe more). I'm sure he's funny/charming/cool/handsome/whatever, but that doesn't make up for him making your life worse. Get out now before this guy gives you more baggage.
fmminis fmminis 5 years
The disappointment felt by the friend will always be felt..she will always carry him in her heart...and is the one who suffers most...might not show...could marry someone who will not be her true soul mate...such is life....
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Maybe your relationship may not be as compatible as you'd like; and this current issue is just another example of the others that aren't quite resolved just yet. I understand what he's saying. He's saying you're 'beating a dead horse' because he's not going to let go of this female friend who has feeling for him. He's adamant about it obviously, and yes, he has listened to you, knows what his action is doing to you, and expects you to basically 'get over it.' Admit it, you're insecure. You've put him above others who cared about your well-being (let's face it, the others probably knew much about your relationship and his infidelity partly from your side--you told them what's up and leaned on them--when they wanted you to leave, you wouldn't). That's a pretty big sacrifice (friends and family are big part of your life), losing friends over a bf that's aggressive and basically cheated on you (you said so). A person with a good amount of self-respect and high self-esteem/image usually wouldn't normally stay around after being cheated on and wouldn't try to keep things going/beating a dead horse a no-good relationship, especially after he's not made any change to his behavior, then again, you're young and you're still learning (many have been in your position). What to do now about her. Well. NOTHING you can do about it. It is his friend, it is his decision to keep her around (maybe it's a good ego stroke for him). You can't control whom he can keep as a friend. The only person you can 'change' in this relationship is yourself. You can either accept it, learn to be not as insecure or you can walk away from the situation/relationship, focus on yourself for once/put yourself first or you can stay around keep 'beating on the issue/dead horse' and things will get progressively worse. Is his action inconsiderate to your feeling? Perhaps yes (or not, depends on how you look at it). Will it play to your insecurity? Definitely from the look of things. Are you overreacting? Well, depends again how you look at it, you may not be because for you, you're remembering how he wasn't as loyal as he used to be and you don't a good amount of self-esteem too to find her to not be a potential threat to your relationship. After all, if it is a strong relationship, you won't feel this threatened (because sometimes we do feel a little bit 'jealous' if other females shower our spouses with attention ;) but we get over it or not make a big deal out of that). Which brings me back to, perhaps your relationship isn't as strong/good as you'd like it to be. If you want to stay with him, you guys have other issues to resolve to make it stronger. Good luck.
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