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Boyfriend Is Not Good Looking

Group Therapy: Can't Get Over My Superficial Hang-ups

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm afraid of what people will think if I date someone who isn't very good looking, but has a great personality. There's this great guy I know who I really click with, but the only thing stopping me from wanting a relationship with him are his looks.

As much as I hate myself for this, in the back of my mind I know I would be embarrassed to introduce him to people as my boyfriend because I feel he is not attractive enough. I know this way of thinking is ridiculous — I've dated some very attractive guys who were complete jerks, and here is this good guy who treats me right but I can't just get past his appearance!


I'm sick of only caring about what's on the surface, but on the other hand it's hard not to care. I know it's immature to care so much about looks, so how do I get over this? Are looks a dealbreaker for anyone else? I feel like they are for me and I want to change that but I don't know how.

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Burkina Burkina 6 years
Greg, have you ever told your wife you think shes beautiful?
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
U go Greg! Lol Seriously, I get your point and I think that's a pretty cool way to be. :)
GregS GregS 6 years
Why does my attraction have to be to a physical manifestation of a person? I'm not saying she's ugly. She doesn't hurt the eyes. I wouldn't classify her as beautiful or pretty. She's definately average. This has always been the type of person to whom I've been attracted. I never really liked the Playboy or runway model type. They're too plastic and shallow (in my experience). I've always been attracted to a girl next door with all her imperfections and feet firmly set upon the ground. The OP and all her friends seem to be the model types. I'd rather know Nice Guy than her. Just like I'd rather be with my wife than a model anyday - extra weight, imperfect nose and all.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
LUL imagine if hes thinking the same thing about you? awkward. It is important to be physically attracted to your partner but YOUR problem is that you are afraid other people will think he is too ugly for you. What if other people don't think you are attractive at all? I bet many people think you're a perfect match. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You have a lot of growing up to do. You care so much what other people will think. You should think about why you feel so insecure.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Also she stated "how do I get over this" and "I want to change but I don't know how". Aren't we on this forum to actually help people?
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Sorry typo"towards him".
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Greg...She might be one of the "beautiful people" but she is still insecure. Do you think pretty people are not insecure? Also if she is that shallow God forbid if someone much prettier than her comes around in her circle of friends. If your self worth is tied to only how you look, life will humble you. Trust me on that one.It's a sad way to be. Also my boyfriend is very nice looking according to a lot of people and is humble about how he looks and has plenty of insecurities.Pretty people can be plenty insecure. As for "Mr. Nice Guy" the OP needs to let him go if she can't give him a chance. He does deserve better if she's not attracted to him. In the long-term a lack of attraction towards will not work. Also as attractive as she might be I'm sure she's not everyone's "type" either. Everyone knows what rejection is, even the so-called pretty girls.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
whoa, like onlysourcherry, I'm surprised too. I must admit that my husband is balding and getting rounder, but I always have found him VERY attractive (both sexually and physically) and always been proud to have him at my side in public. I've always believed that even your mate may not be a supermodel look alike or what's the society consider in the typical model-gorgeous category, at least YOU should be attracted both physically and sexually to that person so you can enjoy intimacy with each other...
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
yikes, greg. hope your wife doesn't see you're on the internet saying you're not attracted to her.
GregS GregS 6 years
So...meanwhile the poor guy gets strung along until she finds her confidence? Yes, I know not all nice looking guys are jerks just as some fugly guys are not nice. I see your point. I really do. I just hope the poor guy sees her for what she is - shallow and immature - and then makes a decision as to whether he wants to stick around or not. Personally, if I were nice guy (and I am), I'd leave her. My suspicion is that she's one of the "beautiful people" that sorrounds herself with similar types. If you don't fit in, then you're not "in". She's afraid of her status within that group if she brings Nice Guy who's plain around.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Greg I have to respectfully disagree about her necessarily being a user. If anything, I think she's probably insecure. Needing so much outside approval from others is a big sign of insecurity. Maybe deep down she does'nt think she's so hot herself, so she thinks a good looking guy makes her look better. I've known women like this and they were deeply insecure. Also she stated she hates being this way, so at least she knows it is wrong being so superficial. Ultimately, until the OP is more confident in herself, she always going to be overly concerned about what her friends think. I hope those same friends will be there if she decides to dump this nice sounding guy for a pretty boy that treats her like garbage or like a "booty call". Not all nice looking guy's are jerks, not at all, but she herself said she's dated a lot of gorgeous jerks. So why not give something else a chance and be open-minded? This is a case of peer pressure, too.
GregS GregS 6 years
Anon 9- Yes, in fact I can. I look at him every morning in the mirror. My wife of over 2 decades is no beauty queen, not even close and never has been. This woman is more concerned about what her friends will think of her dating an unattractive man, than she is of his feelings and emotions. She's nothing more than a user.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
It occurs to me that the OP must have rather strange friends. What, are they all supermodels? They can't all be so hot that they have room to judge others. And I hate to think how this guy we're talking about would feel if he knew what the OP had thought about him. I'm guessing he'd be turned off and fade out of her life. I also have to point out that there are some LOVELY men out there who are good inside as well as gorgeous outside. Not saying anyone is trying to put anyone down, but these guys are definitely not all dust bunnies. No more than all female models are stupid. If you can find one of these guys and he likes you back, OP. Grab him! For a short term thing, totally enjoy a hot guy's looks. Longer term, though, looks fade. It's a depreciating asset that gets reduced each year due to age. (The iniquity of this, in my opinion, has put women at a disadvantage for like forever.) So you could end up with a dude with a gut and no hair. And a bitter attitude that he can't get the attention he was used to. Just like with a female, there has to be substance behind the looks in order to make things work in the long run.
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
If you two have been intimate already and you are not attracted, that's a whole different story. Then don't waste his or your time. In that case you have some maturing to do. Good luck
searching-soul searching-soul 6 years
Kiss him. Give him a hot kiss in private and see how that makes you feel. I was a little like you when I was younger. I met this guy who was'nt all that conventionally attractive and at first I did not give him much of a chance. He was my neighbor so occasionally I'd go to his place and we would watch a movie,hang out and talk. One night he kissed me and this man was about the best kisser I've ever encountered. I discovered I was definitely attracted to him. I eventually fell hard for him and he kind of broke my heart. That's not the point. Sometimes the average looking guys are sexy as hell behind the scenes because they don't just rely on their looks to get a girl. They have interesting things to talk about, not just about the gym and their biceps. Test the waters and be open-minded. You might be in for a surprise.
snarkypants snarkypants 6 years
all that matters is what you think of him. if you think he's unattractive, dump him. i think being attracted to your SO is kind of a requirement. if you are afraid your friends won't think he's attractive, you should: (A) grow up; (B) get new friends; or (C) dump him and don't date anybody until you complete Step A or B.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
I agree with Helen in re: of economics of dating. I also agree with the ladies who say that as you mature, you find other positive attributes beside external physicalities to be more attractive. But, definitely do NOT be dating a man whom you're not attracted to just because he's a good man. Believe me this, many other females will find him to be super attractive and be proud of him, you'll do more service by letting him go if you're embarrassed on how he looks. Think it like this, I'm sure you're not going to be too confident or happy in the relationship if you ever found out your bf thinks you're unattractive and embarrassing to be seen with in public.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Why are you picking on Greg, Anonymous? If she isn't attracted to him, then no, she shouldn't be dating him (as you are also suggesting a guy would not date a woman he is not attracted to). And I agree that this is something that will become less important as you mature. OP, do you really think you'll be publicly shamed for associating with someone who isn't Brad Pitt? If your friends are that superficial, I would consider broadening your social circle.
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
The older I got the less the looks mattered. I've dated some absolutely gorgeous men who had the personalities of dust bunnies. Ugh. I find that as I get older guys become more attractive to me as I get to know what great people they are. And I couldn't care less about what others think, as long as he treats me well and I'm happy. You need to start worrying about you and not everyone else around you. You will miss many opportunities to find great men if you rule everyone out just because they aren't stereotypically attractive.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
I think the definition of attraction and our perception of it changes as we get older. Years ago, I would have said an attractive man looked like Johnny Depp and that was it. Fast forward a few years, and the man I care about doesn't look like Johnny Depp...although I do find him physically attractive, more important, he is kind, considerate, and thoughtful, and wouldn't intentionally hurt me for the world. After dating my share of gorgeous assholes, THAT is what really makes him attractive to me. You are immature....hopefully you won't waste too many years before you figure this out.
GregS GregS 6 years
You don't deserve him.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 6 years
If you feel this guy is unattractive, even though he treats you right, how would you ever be able to be intimate with him? Attractiveness, as shallow as it sounds, is important in a relationship. If you are not attracted to your boyfriend, you'll never be comfortable with him kissing you, touching you, holding you, etc. I think you like this guy and how he makes you feel, but he's more in the good friend category than potential boyfriend to you.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
What will your friends think? Probably that dude is lucky to be seen with you. This is just my opinion, but it is based on a good deal of experience: You have the economics of dating all wrong. If you want to earn prestige points based on who you date, date a rich and/or generous guy. (which is superficial too!) Dating a good looking person really only brings prestige to a man, because men greatly value beauty in women. Women typically care about looks to a degree, but not nearly as much as men. Being seen with a guy who is head over heels and ready to spend resources such as time or money on you shows your feminine power and the power of your OWN good looks. Now that's all unfair and stupid. But it's also how I've seen the real world work. And certainly, no woman should date a guy who repulses her or one for whom she can't feel any attraction. It's better for your standing in a relationship or dating arrangement if you look better than your man. You have more power and see less competition from younger women. In dating and mating land, your beauty simply carries a great deal more value than a man's does.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 6 years
Couldn't have said it better. It's not so much how his features are put together that are important, it's how attracted you are to him. What other people think of his looks isn't important. If you're attracted to him, than go for it! If not, keep looking for the one who gives you butterflies.
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