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Boyfriend Keeping Memento From Ex-Girlfriend

"Should My Live-In Boyfriend Keep a Memento From a Former Flame?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

We've been together for 2 years and everything is great. Now we're moving in together. The thing is, he used to have this "unattained flame" 6 or 7 years ago who was in a FWB relationship with him. He was in love with her, but she just wanted the sex and the friendship. They were really good friends, but he never actually was in a real relationship with her.

Now we're moving in to a new place and among the things he has brought to our new place is this "dream catcher." It was her gift. He always says he's totally over her and when he was at his own place I used to see this dream catcher hanging in his closet and think: OK, it has been there for a long time, it doesn't matter.


But why would he bring it to our new place? He says it's just a memento, a souvenir and he likes it, reminds him of his younger years. 

I don't know, how should I feel about this?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously on Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
I agree with a1stbornunicorn. I wouldn't even discuss it, it's nothing to worry or bring up "I'm jealous of your ex" issues. That's how it will come out. Don't make a mountain out of flat ground
a1stbornunicorn a1stbornunicorn 5 years
I say let it go, this is not a big deal at all. You haven't kept anything you've been given by a significant other? Dream catchers are good luck anyway.
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 5 years
Listen to his story with your heart and decide whether to believe it or not...if he's defensive, I would be cautious, but if he calmly explains that he simply loves his cream catcher and it just used to it, then let it be it, a dream catcher.
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 5 years
My guess is that, unless you saw other signs of his indifference to you that should concern you, you shouldn't be bothered by the fact that he's holding onto something from his past. However, If it really bugs you that the dream catcher is in your sight day to day, maybe your intuition is telling you that he still loves the woman. You can't tell him to stop loving her, you can't change his feelings for her...but you can talk about it. He will see your insecurity, for sure, but the bottom line is that if his intentions and feelings for you are genuine, if he loves you, he won't mind your questioning at all.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Talk with him about it. Explain how you feel, and that you want to understand exactly why he's still holding onto it. What memories does it hold for him? Why is it so important to him? And then ask him if roles were reversed, would he be okay if you held onto mementos from past relationships? You say they never had a 'real' relationship, but that's wrong. Their relationship was very much real, albeit in a sexual way. And from his stance, he was in love with her and probably pretended they were in a 'real' relationship (as in bf/gf, as you may put it). His stance, and the fact that their relationship was sexual, is enough to make his holding onto this memento worrisome. Explain that to him. Explain that he has a 'real' relationship right now, with a woman he is in love with, and who loves him back whole-heartedly. That was something he could never get from her. And him holding onto that memento is hurtful for you because it shows that she still holds a piece of his heart, and that he longs for the old days or wishes things had been different. Communication is key. Perhaps you're not expressing your disdain for the dreamcatcher in a good way (i.e., a way that he'll understand). So switch up your argument a bit. If your same argument, however valid it may be, hasn't worked yet, then switch it up and see if he'll get hit with the realization that the dreamcatcher bothers you. Remember that memories aren't always just memories, especially when you hold onto them for dear life. He may be acting nonchalant about the whole issue, but I'd bet if you threw the dreamcatcher out or replaced it with a new one, he'd be pissed. And that's because it's not the dreamcatcher that's important, it's not even just the memories that are important, it's the fact that it came from her.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
No one here can tell you "how you should feel." You're going to have to figure that out for yourself. I'm having some trouble with this one, because my first reaction is it's just stuff, a piece of his life for a long time, and people keep their stuff. But it bugs me that he told you it's attached to her. I don't tell the guys I date that stuff has special meaning to me around past loves, I keep that kind of thing to myself. I think what's bugging me is that you gave so many details of his past with this woman, and you suspect that he's not over her. I think that what you're doing here, on this site with this post, is asking us if he's over her, but you don't want to feel insecure of jealous, so you ask us how you should feel, instead of telling us. So this is what I think. I think you're jealous of his past experience with her, and you're not sure that he's over her because he told you this thing he likes, which has been part of his life for a long time, is attached to her. I think that bugs you, and makes you less sure of his feelings for you....and if that is what you're feeling, then I think you should tell him that. Not beat around the bushes. I think if this catcher not being in your everyday life helps you feel more secure about him and his feelings for you, then he needs to know that you need to tell him that. Then it's up to him to put it in a place that you are not exposed to. If that's how you feel.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
He can keep his memories but the dream catcher hanging in your view is a bit hostile toward you and has to go. There is no reason he needs a reminder of her in his daily life. He can put it in a shoebox. That's where I keep all my stuff like that, hubby too.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
So what he's got memories from days gone. Do not try to take away his memories. I bet you have something from past loves too that are nothing more than memories. Leave it alone or it will be a big mistake
honestyAboveAll honestyAboveAll 5 years
I wouldn't worry about it. It could be that she still holds a special place in his heart, but why annoy yourself with that thought?? Or, he may simply like his 'dream catcher', nothing wrong with that. As long as he's been faithful to you, honest and open, I would't make a fuss over this tiny detail.
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