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Boyfriend Lied About His Past

"My Boyfriend Lied About His Past"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi. So this is all kind of complicated.

I'm dating this guy, who I had a short-lived thing with sophomore year (we are now seniors) and after our thing sophomore year ended we stayed really close friends, saw other people, but always had something for each other. People have described it as us being meant for each other, just searching for the right time.

This summer, when I came back from being abroad, we started hooking up again, keeping it casual and not really defining what our relationship was. This Fall, we continued hooking up, and started to talk about what we wanted to do. I told him that I didn't want to tie him down or anything (because he had never been in an actual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship), so I was okay if he wanted to see other people, but he told me I was the only girl he wanted to be with etc etc. We weren't together or anything at the time, but it was just something we were both considering.


I also knew that another girl, who lives right down the hall from me, had her eye on him, and that they had made out once before, but she had a boyfriend. I asked him straight up front, because we had always been somewhat upfront about our relationships, if they were hooking up and having sex. I thought I deserved to know this because he and I were sexually involved at the time. He told me yes they had hooked up once (we can call this girl girl A), but never had sex. So I was done with it.

A few weeks later, we finally decided to go to the next step of being "together" whatever that means. We decided to only hook up with each other. The NIGHT after we decided this, he got drunk and made out with his most recent ex-hookup. He never told me about it, I found out a few weeks later, confronted him about it and considered ending it, but didn't because it seemed so out of his character. He promised that he had "no secrets" anymore and I trusted him.

Keep reading for the rest of the dilemma!

The other day I found out that he had had sex with girl A, and had lied to me about it, while we were having sex. I confronted him, and he lied again that it happened. When I made it clear that I knew he was lying, he said it only happened once. Then I questioned him . . . and he said it had happened twice. The next day when we were talking about it, he said it happened three times.

I don't really know what to do. I know its not my business what he did while he was technically single, but it is still kind of shitty that he was having sex with another girl while having sex with me. What I'm really bothered about is the LYING and then the covering up of the lying.

Any advice?

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henna-red henna-red 4 years
I'm agreeing with Bubbles. Your messages are soooo mixed here, that no one has a chance to react to you with any kind of reasonable emotional stability. You say you and he are not commited and then you expect all of the response that goes with commitment. You think you deserve information about his intimate life, when you won't make any kind of committment to a relationship with him. You don't. You are saying one thing, and doing something else. I'm going to guess that you grew up in a very emotionaly mixed up household....and that there is a parent involved with some serious personality issues....and that you've learned what you're doing from them. Therapy, therapy, therapy! Absolutely. You will never have a healthy relationship with another person until you learn to have a healthy relationship with that doesn't include pushing someone away and then getting jealous because the person you pushed away has interactions with other people, other women. You need some help to looking at yourself, your actions, your motivations, your expectations around yourself and others. And, as bubbles safe sexually, protect yourself, and talk to a therapist to learn how to protect yourself emotionaly as well.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 4 years
How did you ever become this broken honey? Damn this is sad. You show no signs of knowing how to be honest with yourself or him. His lying? Well that's his problem and beyond your control. Your words, feelings and actions are in three different places at any time. What is the truth? You need to pull it together and figure it out and learn to live your truth. "I told him that I didn't want to tie him down or anything [really?] (because he had never been in an actual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship) [Ouch!! Why is that a deal breaker? if I was a guy I'd be thinking "She doesn't want someone inexperienced like me" and that would be humiliating], so I was okay if he wanted to see other people [given the jealousy, doesn't sound like you were], but he told me I was the only girl he wanted to be with etc etc. [and you just let him hang? Ouch again. OK, so no commitment. Then why all the jealous other girl drama?]" "People" think your soul mates. So what? What do you think and feel? You really never say through this whole thing. Note he is actually the first one who was honest and brave in your relationship, he told you he wanted to be exclusive. You rejected him a couple of times. That took nerve on his part. You didn't reciprocate and got possessive. That's a lack of integrity on your part. You're acting like you wanted to be his, why wouldn't you commit? And why so jealous? And why are you all caught up in a guy you have no commitment with lying about seeing someone else? I'm confused, I can't even imagine what the poor guy went through trying to figure out how to be with you. You need to get yourself into some intensive therapy and leave him alone until you know what you want and how to be there for yourself and someone else. I'm sorry about whatever brought you to these crazy ways of yours, but you're a young adult and have the power to fix this before it's the story of your life. And here is the truth about the truth from lovers, you never know. So always take care of your health when it comes to sex, especially when there is no commitment.
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