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Boyfriend Needs Babysitting in Social Situations

Group Therapy: I Need to Babysit My Boyfriend at Parties

This question of comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

have been with my boyfriend for about four years now and are at university together.  We are in the same clubs and societies because we have very similar interests, but one of these is causing us problems.

He does not have many friends at this particular society and he is starting to follow me around, I don't mind this at all.  However when I talk to someone else not in the current conversation he gets upset and says I have "abandoned him."  I always wait for people to come up to me rather than me go over to them, so that I am still standing next to him but for some reason this is still abandoning him.  It is frustrating because after every meeting he seems really annoyed with me when, in my opinion, I have done nothing wrong.  If I try to involve him in the conversation, he just sits there looking grumpy as he "doesn't have anything to say." I don't want to tell him it feels like I am babysitting him, because it will make him more upset, but it does.

What should I do?
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jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
If after 4 years together the guy can't just come out and tell the OP he doesn't want to be part of some society, and instead acts like a big baby around her, they have bigger problems. Just my take. I also think if this was the only problem in the relationship, the OP wouldn't be posting on an online site. I am getting the feeling that this kind of behavior is more prevalent then she is letting on, or she wouldn't have written. I personally wouldn't want to be with a dude like this, but hey, to each his own. And BTW, just because people have been together 4 years doesn't mean they should stay together just because of it.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
He's acting like a baby. My guess is there's some jealousy going on when people pay more attention to you than you to him. You both are going through some major changes, as university life is a HUGE growing process to go through with....after four years of more youthful life and less responsibility, now you are both facing a new world so to speak. He will have to be able to sink or swim on these changes or it could get worse for sure. Not that it would becuase it could just be a matter of him skipping out on this one group of people. If it were me it would cause an argument. Hopefully thats all it would be, jsut tell him to shape up or ship out as we say.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
I, too, feel that a lot of people here do nothing more than yell, "Get rid of the bum!" too much. I think that a lot of these relationships are saveable, we just have to learn how to do that. And that is what we are all doing here, sharing techniques that can help save relationships.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I agree with hypnotic. It's ridiculous that most of the comments are just to dump him. She doesn't talk about ANY other things about the relationship that bother her, they apparently have lots of interests in common, and have been dating for four years, and she isn't talking like she's at the end of her rope. I think you should sit down and talk to him point blank about what he/you are doing, how it makes you feel, and find out if he even WANTS to be doing those activities, and most likely have him sit those types of things out if he isn't comfortable. If he can't handle that, or freaks out, or guilt trips you from then on is when you can start thinking about this in regards to the relationship.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
I've read some of the posts here and IMO the suggestion that she should get rid of him is bit overzealous. Let's not throw the baby out with the bath water. The reality is they've been dating for four years and they enjoy many groups and activities together however for some reason this (ONE) group out of everything that they do and enjoy together is making him feel insecure to the point where he feels the need to be clingy. Looking at the big picture hardly a reason to break up over. If he feels out of his element and is making her uncomfortable perhaps he simply needs to not bother with this (ONE) activity. Having him dump the activity rather than her dumping him makes a hell of a lot more sense to me.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 7 years
maybe he needs some therapy or to quit this society
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
If you guys are freshmen in college, he's either emotionally manipulative and controlling or he's sincerely pouting because he's not adapting into this new social situation as easily as you have. Only you really know about him and your relationship. Perhaps he's not happy with the social circle you guys are currently in/he may not enjoy the new people he's 'friend' with, if so, let him go somewhere else where he's going to be happier. Tell him that he doesn't have to follow you around. And you know what, how about let him know what's really on your mind. You've been together for a long time, he deserves to know what you really feel/think and as much as it may make you feel 'guilty,' you need to let him know. Or perhaps it's also 'time.' I mean, young love is great and all, but there are many that don't survive that college years. I've witnessed it happen a lot of times back in college, childhood sweethearts who've been 4-5 years together ending up splitting up because of their different path of growing up. As painful as I've witnessed it, most of the time, it ended up to be a better thing for those couples who don't make it (I'm not saying everyone broke up though, just most of them that I've watched so far back in college). Good luck.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
My ex boyfriend was always the life of the party, that's why I loved his personality, but at parties he often left me hanging. To strangers it looked like we weren't even dating, which caused issues in our relationship. (To be candid, he did end up cheating on me with one of the girls who flirted with him.) Anyways, I learned how to be more outgoing at parties because it was sink or swim otherwise. I could sulk in a corner, or I could make new friends by myself. I suggest leaving your boyfriend if he can't learn to be more outgoing. How did he survive before you? If you are honestly trying to include him and he still has issues say adios!
idanceinmycar idanceinmycar 7 years
Cut the cord and dump him. He seems to bringing you down in an environment where you seem to be flourishing.
nylorac nylorac 7 years
maybe he joined this society more for you than for himself. if that's the case ask him if he likes going to the parties and social events, and if not, then he can just stop accompanying you. i used to have this same issue with an ex who reacted like this everytime we hung out with my friends together who he didn't really know that well. and it bothered me a lot so much that we broke up over this (and other reasons). if he continues to act like this, it's embarrassing and i see no reasons in rationalizing his behavior any further than he's just immature. also, i just hated having to make up excuses to my friends about his grumpy behavior. he's an adult, and he should be accountable for his own actions!
weffie weffie 7 years
He does sound manipulative... I dated a really controlling guy who constantly accused me of "ditching" him even if it was to, like, go to the store with his sister and niece. However, 4 years in you probably know his quirks well enough to decide if this is grounds for dumping him. If he's really shy or has existing abandonment issues, it could be a problem that he genuinely isn't aware of or just doesn't know how to deal with. Obviously he has good qualities too or you would have ended it long ago... Maybe you can (very gently!) express concern for how unhappy he seems in that situation. I'd def avoid using the word 'babysit' and try to focus on addressing HIS well-being and not the effect it has on you socially. If you two are happy in every other way, it's really worth seeing a counsellor to fix this one small problem, hopefully you can coax him into talking through it.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
Ya'll need to address his social anxiety that's what you need to do. At those functions you are his security blanket. It's not uncommon and certainly something that people can grow out of. If you really love him I wouldn't kick him to the curb over this. Just get to the point and address it in a compassionate way.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
This sounds highly obnoxious. I don't want to jump on the bandwagon of "dump your man" but seriously this sounds terribly annoying and short of telling him to knock it off, I can't imagine how you can make this situation better. And even if you tell him, it doesn't seem like he'll take it very well. Really dig deep into your relationship and ask yourself if he's like this on any other level, and if he really is a great guy, because he pretty much seems like an annoying and immature guilt-tripper.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
Immature much? Tell him exactly how you feel. If he can't take it, he needs to do some major growing up.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
I think jazzy and joe hit it right on, the only thing I want to add... why did he join this society to begin with? From what I gather he's not like this any other time... He obviously doesn't like this society and he's making you both miserable. Couples need to have outside interests... maybe you could encourage him to join a club that suits his interests better or just take some alone time. If he keeps it up, definitely leave him. Four years is along time and a lot of commitment, but sometimes it gets to a point where the bad outweighs the good. When you hit that point, you need to first recognize it, and second not be afraid of getting on with your life.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
Wow, I would walk away from this one. What if you have a kid with him and need to devote more time to your child than him....will you be abandoning him then? What a fucking baby. He is manipulating you, and unless he grows up and acts like an adult instead of a sullen teenager, I would bail.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
More thoughts. He seems to have a mild case of social anxiety, and I'm wondering if he also has low-grade depression.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
Your boyfriend is childish and needy. More importantly, he gets angry at you in inappropriate ways. You are getting frustrated and resentful over all of this. Most importantly, it seems that you are afraid of him. (Am I right?) You need to sit down and discuss all of these things with him. If you need help on how to do this, please do not hesitate to ask.
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