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Boyfriend Sending Text Messages to His Girl Friend

Group Therapy: Am I Being Paranoid?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hi Ladies. I really need some advice here from an outside point of view. It's kind of a long story, so here it goes:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost four years. He has recently become close with a mutual friend of ours, who happens to be a girl. They text all the time, and he always invites her over on weekends to hang with us and his roommates, and she recently broke up with her boyfriend.


I've expressed to him that I'm a little jealous of their relationship, but he told me there's nothing to worry about. About a month ago, he was having people over at his apartment, and she was over. I was standing next to him and saw that they were texting each other, in the same room. I told him that this looked shady, and he said he just didn't want to start a fight between us by talking to her. I let it go.

Then the next night, she was over again, and I found some texts between them that looked really bad. He asked her if he could come take a nap on her couch, and she asked him if he liked what she was wearing that night (a little skirt) and he said he did. I freaked out and started crying after seeing these, and I talked to him about it.

He explained everything to me, and at the time I believed him. He told me he only wants to be with me and he doesn't like her. Since then, they text a lot, and I've been trying to trust him, because he's never given me a reason not to. I got a glimpse of his phone the other day (not snooping, I swear) and saw that he has been deleting his text messages. This just looks really shady to me. I just keep thinking different things in my head that could be going on between them, and I'm freaking myself out. He's never given me a reason not to trust him, but I just can't shake this feeling that something is going on. I'm considering going on a break, but I'm not sure. I would talk to him about it, but I feel like I've brought it up so many times that it's just going to make him mad.

What should I do ladies?


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Join The Conversation
pstandst pstandst 6 years
You sound person who is in denial and doesn't want to leave someone she loves. I can not blame you because I am in the same boat and from the outside looking it its time for you to end it and move on. However, only do what you are ready for. When you are ready for it to be over you will know it. I just hope he doesn't hurt you first. I know most will hate this comment but he must care about you more to not go be with her and drop you. Try to do what I wish I could and exude confidence and that will turn his head faster than insecurity.
jenkrum jenkrum 6 years
I've been in your situation before and you should definitely leave now because, as the other posters have said, it's only going to get worse. I was in a relationship with someone for 2 years and he lied to me constantly about his conversations with other girls. Turns out, he cheated on me with just about every one of the girls that I felt uncomfortable about. Obviously you've talked to him and he gets the hint that you don't feel comfortable with him texting her, otherwise he wouldn't be deleting his text messages. He knows what he's doing and he knows that it's upsetting you, yet he has done nothing about removing this girl from his life. That doesn't show any respect. If you plan on talking to him again you should also plan on getting excuses and sorry stories about how their "just friends" and that you're "being paranoid". If you accept these stories and allow him to keep the same relationship with this girl, then you are showing him that you have no respect for yourself. Why should he have respect for you then? I know it's hard but you deserve someone that will treat you better than he does. Don't stay with him hoping that it will change because he won't. You can't make anyone change and if you wait for him to come around, you'll be putting yourself through hell forever. He's getting a thrill from the relationship he has with the other girl. If he's not cheating on you physically, he is emotionally and, in my opinion, that is worse.
heyamykate heyamykate 6 years
He's a dbag. Get outta there!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
So funny to read this stuff. Obviously you should break up with the guy. He's confiding in another woman and hurting your feelings by doing so. He's also doing it right in front of you. What more do you need as far as humilation and suffering? He's texting and making plans to sleep with her, so he's a flat out lair when he says he doesn't like her. If he loved you he wouldn't be doing this. He's playing both of you.
Burkina Burkina 6 years
If he feels the need to text her while shes in the room hes afraid of his body language betraying his excuses. The excuse of "not wanting to upset you" is bull, since he continues to be friends with her. I say befriend a male and see how he likes it!
juicebox07 juicebox07 6 years
It sounds like he's emotionally cheating on you. You need to leave this guy because it's only going to get worse.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
in the post one of the line's is about the boyfriend asking the girl he's texting if he can take a nap on her couch.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
BTW, why is the stock photo of someone sleeping? What does this have to do with the topic? If it is not supposed to relate to it, put up a cute picture of a puppy or something.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Wow, open your eyes. He is all about her now. I am sorry, but you two are over. I agree that after four years together, you either progress or you don't. You two clearly are not. Please don't waste any more of your youth on him. Let him go to be free to lie to her.
reesiecup reesiecup 6 years
I would say it's sounding pretty shady to me. If nothing was going on, he should at least have the decency to tone down the "friendliness" with your mutual friend. Maybe it's time to have another talk.
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne 6 years
Oh man, I'm sorry you're in a wreck like this. He's cheating on you emotionally and no boyfriend should be texting with another girl who's not the girlfriend(!) in the same room! That's just wrong. Oh and deleting texts? Yikes. Super red flag. If I were in your position, I'd leave. It's going to be hard, but it's the right thing to do.. for yourself. You should be in a happy relationship that makes you feel secure.
GTCB GTCB 6 years
Dump him and move on. Your relationship has obviously come to it's conclusion.
testadura67 testadura67 6 years
If his relationship with another woman is making you uncomfortable and he's not willing to adjust the friendship a little out of respect to you, then that should tell you everything you need to know, especially if he's sneaking around to talk to her. Make sure he's aware what a problem it is for you, and that it's pushing you away. He may not realize how much it's hurting you.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 6 years
You're not being paranoid. Get out now!
LaSigh LaSigh 6 years
him being her ex... not her perfect guy. That'd be akward :)
LaSigh LaSigh 6 years
I was this girl- I lied to myself while I was doing it. I flirted with him but maintained the we're just friends line (in my head, and to others) and he did the same- and I think we both believed our own lies just so we didn't have to not see each other. We never touched- just flirted and spent loads of time together. Until he broke up with his girlfriend... then we started dating a week later. (A happy ending for all thou- she got married last year to her perfect guy, and I'm getting married next month to him)
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 6 years
Four years, no real commitment, now youre questioning him. Say goodbye.
atraditionalist atraditionalist 6 years
Don't trust a man who texts too much. That's my advice. They do it all the time because they're not capable of holding a conversation in real time or on the phone. Aside from that this dude is cheating on you and if not he's totally getting a thrill from you thinking he's cheating. And that girl is a class A s***k she'll get what she dished out one day. Get those two dirtbags out of your life.
kat3 kat3 6 years
"He asked her if he could come take a nap on her couch, and she asked him if he liked what she was wearing that night (a little skirt) and he said he did." Did he tell you he slept over at her house? If not, this is your reason not to trust him. I would try to find a time to talk to him calmly and present the evidence to him as you did here and ask him how he would feel if he were in your shoes. If he still brushes you off with sad excuses, I think you have your answer. A man who loves you would do anything to prove his innocence and would never want you to have these doubts in your mind. It's really not worth the stress. It only gets worse when you have to constantly wonder where he is, what he's been doing, and what's going on between them. Good luck girl!
black-Barbai black-Barbai 6 years
ohh hun Sorry to say this .. but he definitely having Sex with your friend Men are cheaters ... this is n their Blood go to your friend and tell her to stop what shes doing but if u found out that they still doing it .. its means they having sex and they dont tell U so u dont get hurt dont be the stupid girl and trust your boyfriend over ur Gf u have to Separate them before too late try to make problem between them so they dont b n touch again or else Dumb him also ur cheater GF and live ur life with someone decisive it more than a player who dont care about his GF but he cares about his GF friend !!! i hope i said something noth true and he loves u
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