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Boyfriend Talking to Other Woman on Facebook

Group Therapy: BF Hiding Conversations With a Previous Crush

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he told me that he had a friend who he thought was cute and he used to have a crush on. Suffice it to say, it made me really paranoid whenever they hung out together. My boyfriend would sometimes lie about talking to her and looking at her facebook pictures and eventually I got annoyed by his trying to cover stuff up and called him out on it. We had a series of arguments about it and eventually decided that I would try to be more chill about the situation and he would stop lying to me about talking to her and stuff.

It's been about a year now and my boyfriend left his email signed into my computer where, lo and behold, I saw he'd just been talking to this girl. He apparently emailed her out of the blue to give her "advice" because I guess she is moving to a new city and she posted that she was moving on facebook. In the email he wrote that he regrets not moving to that same city and that she should only contact him via email, because he doesn't check his facebook frequently.

To see the rest, keep reading.

So, I am pissed for a few reasons. First, it's been 3 days and my boyfriend hasn't said anything about talking to this girl. His instructions for her to only email him sound like he's trying to make sure I don't see anything, since if they spoke on FB I could see it on his wall. Second, my boyfriend lives with me because we both go to the same graduate school. He told me he wanted to stay here to be with me, and has never voiced any regrets about not moving to this other place. I'm kind of hurt that suddenly he's telling this girl that he hates being here and was considering moving and now regrets not moving.


I know this doesn't seem like a huge deal (I mean, ok, my boyfriend isn't cheating on me) but I am so irritated that he is lying about this same girl again! Now I am wondering how much he actually talks to her, and maybe others, behind my back. I don't know what to do. I am pretty disgusted and at this point, I kind of just want to call it quits. We've been dating for almost 5 years now and I figured that by this point in our relationship, this sort of drama would be over.

Advice is appreciated . . .

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Join The Conversation
Iris-Pathfinder Iris-Pathfinder 6 years
It does no good to ask someone for the truth if they are going to lie or twist it to make *you* look like the problem. Passive-aggressive folks will blame you. I went through this with my ex-BF. A woman was blatantly chasing him online but he said it was no big deal cause he wasn't going to act on it. Um, so you just want to have the emotional attention and then whine to me about how "freaky" she is? Not getting much out of this moment. Relationships are about honoring agreements and building trust. If you agree you will both sleep with who ever you want - Kewl. If you find you have not covered an area and it just feels wrong it will probably only fester if you ignore it cause others say you "should". This is not TRUE to YOU. Is this something you would do to him (pretending to be single)? No? Do you want to continue to live with it? Who gives a rat's hiney if they are going at like bunnies or not? Or whether any of us think you are right or wrong? You don't even have to JUSTIFY why he shouldn't be emailing. Do you feel like you have honest open communication? Are there other areas you feel you can't trust him with? What do you want out of a relationship? It is different for everyone. It ain't the years - it the journey. Whatever you choose be true to you.
strong-beauty strong-beauty 6 years
i think he is a a** yes u might be over reacting a little because to him it may be harmless but him not telling you is not respecting you in your relationship and that is one of his jobs!!!
GregS GregS 6 years
He's keeping her notes off of FB because you go on FB and can see his wall. Where her notes to him will be. If he keeps it to email, there's no public way for you to know. You say at the end you've had it with him, but is that a moment of emotion and frustration? Or is that how you truly feel after 5+ years? If you're not sure, tell him what you saw and you two WILL talk about it. Does he really feel bad about not moving to that town? If so, tell him you'll help him pack up.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
Seriously, girls, get your act together and stop being amateur spies! It's rude to read someone's private communications even If you are in a relationship with them. If your guy can't talk to anyone he's ever thought was cute without making a full, detailed report to you, then YOU are the one with issues - not him. How can your man trust you if you can't trust him? How can he prove his faithfulness if you never give him a chance to do so without constant surveillance? Yes, if you can't trust him or be content with him - leave him. Do the both of you a favor and let him find someone who can have a functional relationship. But don't blame it on his inability to cut contact with the entire opposite sex, since that should never be a requirement on a relationship of any kind, especially one that aspires to marriage.
browneyes23 browneyes23 6 years
Let him chase after her. He is still holding a torch for her after all this time. If nothing has happened between them by now, it probably won't. He is being a silly boy, most are. I hate to be blunt, but you could do so much better. Laugh really hard when he returns to you. Then show him to the door.
oZzKk oZzKk 7 years
OH God.. u know, people lie to conceal the truth. Even not disclosing the truth is a form of deceit! :( Sorry. So sad but heard it all before, 'i forgot to tell u cos wasn't important' 'do u need to know everything i do?' 'we're just friends really'.... BULL#@*! Yep I'm in the same position. But my bf is 44, I'm 29 and even STILL keep busting his ridiculous lies (thru online account). so they dont change! WHY Lie if it's such an innocent friendship that he has with these 25yro girls (there's 2) when he tells me every detail regarding all other females he befriends?!? I'm sorry but I'm answering my own doubts here also. there may not b e and physical or even emotional cheating but .... there is something!! Now we have to decide if we're willing to play this game when he could just be with us to buy himself time until he finds the one he thinks is better!!! what a shame, because honestly there is no comforting answer for u. u already know in Ur soul. U know (like I do) that u deserve honesty.. Anything that involves another woman and him man involves U.. I'd ask him to genuinely talk n be truly honest with some sort of solid commitment to u, or stop wasting Ur time any longer and at least have the decency to let u go and find Ur man n live happily ever after... Right.. off I go to do the same..... Good Luck!
in my opinion it might be something serious..because hes doing this behind ur back. if it really wasn't a big deal then he would've been hiding it.if he truly cared for u .hed trust u and tell u the things he does instead of u finding out. in my opinion u should leave him and find someone that appreciates u and is honest with u. find someone that u know wont have u doubting things liek u r now. good luck!
kh61582 kh61582 7 years
My ex-boyfriend did something similar to this, except she was an ex-girlfriend not just a crush. I had no idea they were talking and, as with you, he left his e-mail open on my computer and I saw that they had been e-mailing AND she had come to town and had dinner with him while I was out of town. They hadn't done that on purpose, it had just worked out that way, but still he didn't tell me anything. Not that they were talking and certainly not that he had seen her. i was furious! We had a huge argument. He thought he was justified in not telling me because it would have made me upset and he wasn't doing anything wrong so what did it matter. I asked him to either not talk to her anymore or at least tell me when he did. I didn't trust him so when I got the chance I would check his phone and turns out he was still talking to her on the phone almost everyday. I got so fed up that I put spy ware on his computer to get his passwords and check his e-mail. As far as I could tell they weren't involved but it still bothered me. Probably the worst part was that he never told her he had a new girlfriend. Things worked themselves out when she started getting overbearing and he stopped talking to her. I didn't break up with him for another two years but looking back I really should have done it then. Don't waste anymore time on someone that doesn't seem to respect your relationship as he should. Get out now.
bisou002 bisou002 7 years
Kick him to the curb. It's been 5 years. This behavior is ridiculous. He's still carrying a torch for this girl. Don't hold your breath that this will stop.
dexaholic dexaholic 7 years
Trust your gut
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
After 5 years, it seems like constant paranoia on your part. Constant trying to find out what's really going on with him. It's like you're secretly waging an internal war, when you guys are supposed to be a team by now with clear direction where you guys want to go in the future (whether it's marriage, moving together, what-have-you). Aren't you tired? Don't you want to feel relaxed and trusting in a relationship? Don't you want to have that attitude of not even be tempted to read your bf's private e-mail? Honey, you only live once, I really really strongly suggest you to reconsider the whole relationship although yes, it's been 5 years and yes, you've invested so much already in it. I've had a 5 yrs-relationship with my ex-fiancee, but it was constant turmoil in my head/heart and it's not a great state of mind to be in. Btw, I don't condone the reading of his private message, just because he forgets, it doesn't mean it's right to read other people's private message unless he tells you to read it. I also think it's a little weird that he has to report to you every time he talks to her, messages her or e-mails her or whatever communication. Do you make him report on other females he comes in contact with? My husband has female friends and he's friendly, and he talks to other females when one happens to pass by his way and I never ever ask him to report on anything. He may mention his conversation out of the blue from a month or a week ago, and it doesn't offend me at all although at one point I was a little jealous of a girl he had a crush ages ago, but I don't go insane inside of me or so upset just because he didn't tell me if he ran into her at the store or something like that. I trust my husband. So think it over. Good luck.
leilani-s leilani-s 7 years
Isn't that called an emotional affair?
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
Girl, I have been in this situation before. No, he never actually cheated on me, but he spent a lot of time writing another girl some very personal messages throughout our relationship. It broke my trust in him, which I think is your main problem here. You have no trust in him and honestly, why should you? I think it's been a long 5 years battling the feelings of jealousy and mistrust without him making a real attempt to devote himself to you. Maybe you should outright confront him on this, get into a serious discussion and decide if you really want to do this for the rest of your life. Or you can chose to block off these gut feelings and let things go the way they are. I think these are your only two options here.
chloe-bella chloe-bella 7 years
I agree with skigurl. This sounds incredibly sketchy. I would confront him about it. Or wait and see if he accidentally stays logged in to his e-mail again, and see if he continues to e-mail her.
tidakpedulidengananda tidakpedulidengananda 7 years
Playing the devil's advocate here..from bf's pov. Maybe you've become so unbearable in that way--paranoid ever since he put his foot in his mouth by letting you know that he used to crush on her--to the point it's easier to lie and avoid dealing with you questioning him all the time. Plus, he seems to be more 'open' to her than you, why? Because now you're the jailguard..Kidding. I mean, more like someone he needs to report his every move if not, his motives will be questioned. Hey, mom, I mean, dear gf, there's a reason why I'm not telling you everything, instead of listening and be my gf, you're jumping all over whatever real feeling I have so I rather talk to the other chick who's not that judgmental. And why should I be telling you when I know for sure you will get mad at me and probably 'punish' me? Then again, your guts feeling may be telling you something you don't want to admit these past 5 years. He always has one foot out the door, he always likes her and probably wants to be with her but she doesn't want to be with him in that way so he's staying around, enjoying the comfort of domesticated relationship with you (I'm betting you're letting him have sex with you and sometimes even do things like cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping together type). Not saying you're a bad girl, you're just a little overbearing when it comes to the female sex (and your bf) and you refuse to see that just because a guy used to crush on someone and just friends--it can't happen. Maybe you're right, it can't this case. Find out will ya.
ejr ejr 7 years
i think if you've been with this guy for 5 years, you owe it to him, and to yourself, to give him the benefit of the doubt. i agree with anonymous - just ask him whether or not something is happening. maybe he really just wanted to help her - moving to a new city is hard! make sure you explain to him that you didn't go looking for this email, that he left it on your computer. i honestly think that he didn't tell you because he doesn't think anything of it. if he thought it was a big deal, i think he would be more careful and make sure he signed out of his email account when he was using your computer.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
I agree with brindley and camaraogirl something is fishy and I think you know it...and while he may not be cheating no you, he's definitely lying to you and keeping things from you and talking to a girl you already feel uncomfortable about behind your back I'd bail, if I were you, though that's an "easy" answer to give you
brindey brindey 7 years
I don't think you are over-reacting. While he may not be cheating on you, he certainly isn't cherishing you.
danakscully64 danakscully64 7 years
Dikke - From what I read above, she's not complaining about not being engaged. Did she post something somewhere else that I'm not seeing?
Camarogirl67 Camarogirl67 7 years
Hmm, my thoughts: 1) Doesn't FB alert you if you receive a message? She could send him a msg that way, but he probably didn't think of that? 2) Anything that makes you go "Um, wait a minute..." - that's a bad sign. Really bad. Trust me, I know from experience. 3) Listen to the "Um, wait a minute..." feeling. Seriously.
tofulover89 tofulover89 7 years
well, he is an asshole for lying to you. I mean, maybe he doesn't have feelings for this girl but just wants to hide it from you because he knows you will get mad. But also it's weird that he's telling her he wishes he could live there. I don't think anything is going to happen between them, but this guy doesn't sound like much of a keeper if he's so sneaky and has eyes for other women.
wishingforthings wishingforthings 7 years
I have the same issues, been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I keep finding all these sms's and private messages from other girls. I totally agree with what you said about after 5 years this sort of stuff wouldnt be happening anymore. I am so so over it!
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