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Boyfriend Texts Other Girls

"My Boyfriend Texts Females A LOT!"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been dating this guy for seven months now. We have been living together since we met (long story). He does not have a car so he isn't able to get anywhere without my help so I know he isn't physically cheating on me BUT he has females that he texts and online chats with A LOT! Last night, he was texting a woman he went to high school with for over FOUR hours while I laid next to him in the bed wanting to spend some intimate time together. I am a VERY jealous woman and I know I need to back off with how much I crawl up his butt about other women but I feel this is excessive especially since 15 years ago he cheated on his gf at the time with this high school friend who he just got back into contact with. He says I am too jealous and need to trust him but I don't see what they have to talk about for that long three days in a row. This whole thing is making me sick and I feel like giving up the relationship because he is not willing to bend with me on this at all. I also am not allowed to see his messages b/c I have invaded his privacy several times before by looking in his phone. So he says there is nothing on there that is not appropriate but he feels I have broken that trust too many times before and therefore need to just trust him and not see the actual messages.

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henna-red henna-red 5 years
It sounds as this is mostly complicated because of your daughter. But think about what you're teaching her by staying in a relationship with a man when it's just not working for either of you. I would suggest you talk to him about splitting, and find out if he wants to continue to have contact, (supervised), with your daughter. I know this is a tough thing when you're a single parent, maybe even tougher than when mom and dad fight badly in a marriage. But I would sit down and explain to her that things aren't working out, don't worry about the details, and reassure her about your love, no matter what happens. And ask him if he can do the same, even if he doesn't want to continue contact after the breakup (which I also think would be very problematic for you.) There aren't any easy choices here, but it's better to let her know that you're splitting, and that it's necessary, so that she can start to process her own emotions. Staying in this disfunctional relationship is only going to teach her to do the same, later in her own life. Oh, and you don't "have" to give him transportation....that's a choice you make. You can choose to let him figure his own answers out. If he lost him license, then one of he consequences is figuring out his life without don't have to be part of that answer if you don't want to.
kat2800 kat2800 5 years
I appreciate MOST of the feedback/comments so far. Thank you for taking the time to answer on what you think of this situation. I am insecure from past relationships but also b/c of the way he keeps the messages secret. I have patiently explained why I feel texting back and forth with a woman every single day for hours (that is not a lie... hours upon hours at least twice a day). If they are saying nothing flirtatious then why can't I read them? Well, today he told me that he has been telling her how miserable he is in this relationship and she has been talking to him about it. Ummm... that is the talking WE should be doing not her and him! I was so pissed off and hurt that I haven't been able to talk to him all day. As for why I get him everywhere he needs to go... he has no license... suspended so NO I am not allowing him to take my car anywhere. He needs to get his act together because frankly, I am a professional with very high degree and I can probably do a hell of a lot better. Trick is getting him the hell out of my house without creating tons of drama b/c my daughter really likes him but knows things are not great right now. Also to note... he has been doing this for 10 straight days. You would think they would be running out of shit to talk about by now if it is just two old friends catching up. I don't trust him b/c I found old messages between him and another woman he met in a chat room where they were talking about sex, getting married, etc and she asked if he was with someone and he said no just living with a woman who was obsessed with him. They never met and I confronted her via text and they talk very little now (at least from what I know). But then again he has me blocked on FB b/c he thinks I am too into his business on there... well yeah... I did have an issue with having himself listed as single!!
Melficent Melficent 5 years
"I have invaded his privavcy several times before by looking in his phone" really says it all to me. Souns like you are a jealous, control freak who needs him to pay attention to only you! Seriously if it upsets you so much talk openly to him about how it makes you feel. Ask who these women are, are they friends or family? Tell him that him speaking to this chic is upsetting you and just outright ask "whats going on with her?" Oh and he cheated on someone like 15 years ago, thats forever ago geeze get over it Miss insecurity.
steph1234 steph1234 5 years
Wow, talk about turning the blame to the other person....and manipulative! He refuses to let you see his messages because you broke his trust by looking? Does that really make sense to you if you think about it? No! This is make you feel like you're doing something wrong in order to make light of whatever it is he's doing. When you are in a relationship, I'm sorry but contact with other members of the opposite sex should be very careful....and my husband and I read each other's texts and go through each others phones....not in a sneaky way...but we will do it sitting right next to each us it's no big deal because neither have anything to hide.....You know he's cheated before and now he's having long conversations with a woman he's had a relationship with before...and he's refusing to do anything to put your mind at ease...It's apparent that conversing with him about it does no good....think it's time to cut your losses!
dragonfireheart dragonfireheart 5 years
Wow this guy sounds like a leach who needs you to survive in the world since "He can't get anywhere without me...." As for spending 4 hours texting one of his female friends when your giving signs you wanted to spend intimate time him also raises some red flags in terms of get out of the relationship soon or you'll be hurting your self a whole lot worst later. As for the jealously thing well I can understand where it would be coming from what you described. I believe you should cut him off and move on. If I was dating a girl like that I would do the same. Also from what you described I don't think talking to him will make your feelings of jealousy and wanting to end the relationship go away. If there is no clear improvement after bringing it up you should end it. I wish you the best of luck.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
I find a little jealousy is comforting. A little jealousy!!!. If there is nothing inappropriate in the messages and it bothers you to think there may be, then ask him to go through it with you. If you're living together there should be no secrets.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
It's been 15 years since he cheated, geez, how many lifetimes of fidelity do you need before you'll trust him? If you are an extremely jealous person, then you need to start talking to a counselor and figure out why you're so insecure. He could have the most innocuous conversations and you'd probably assume he's sexting, eh? It sounds like you've been a serious snooper and he feels violated. If you can't get your snooping under control, let the poor man go. Get your own place, learn to stand on your own two feet and not lock into a codependent relationship again.
betsyh betsyh 5 years
I think you need to move on. He's not the one for you. Learn to love yourself and not be jealous and you will attract the right person.
Aquadave Aquadave 5 years
Once a Cheater always a Cheater! He should not be in that much contact with other women. If and once he gets the chance he'll cheat on you
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Sounds to me like you're in the wrong relationship for the wrong reasons with the wrong guy. "He can't get anywhere without me...." Adults make choices. If he chooses to depend on you for this and you choose to facilitate it, doesn't mean he can't get anywhere without you, it means you've both chosen this form of dependence, and it sounds to me as though you think he owes you relationship stuff because you provide him transp, and he resents it and uses your jealousy to strike out at you. Quite frankly, the whole thing sounds incredibly immature, and disfunctional. No talk of love, or connection, just dependence and what you want, and what he does to piss you off and what he witholds...... I'd didtch the whole thing, work on my jealousy issues which generaly stem from insecurity and/or low self esteem, and a lack of judgement. I think you both need to do some growing up, and that isn't going to happen while you're together. At least that's how it seems to me from what you've posted. goodluck
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