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Boyfriend Wants to Become a Woman

"My Boyfriend Wants to Become a Woman"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend has revealed to me that he is a woman trapped in a man's body and he wants to do the hormone therapy to change some of his features from male to female. I am in love with him and I want to be with him, at the same time I also don't want to be bullied as a sick freak for staying with him — is that selfish? Every time I think about him doing this it makes my stomach turn. I don't know what to do or how to handle the many emotions going through my mind right now. Please help me!

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Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Just be his/her friend. There is little point in overthinking the future at the moment. If the romance part of your relationship stays, cool. If not, you might have a fun new girlfriend to hang out with. You will both know over time if you are meant to be in a committed relationship. You don't have to reject anyone or do anything drastic as a reaction to this admittedly extremely dramatic revelation. There will always be people who find what they don't understand to be disgusting. And a number of those people equate what disgusts them with immorality. Don't hang around those people or take their opinions seriously or personally, and you will be fine. Good luck!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
pax, tell us more about how you overcame your sub-par pitching skills. Sounds like an inspirational story of the triumph of the human spirit.
poissondujour poissondujour 5 years
If it "makes [your] stomach turn" then you should not stay with him.  If he's going through a gender transition and you can't be supportive and love the woman he wants to be, then spare him the burden of emotionally supporting both himself and you.  This may sound harsh, but he should be the focus.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Disagreement, even serious, widely disparate opinions, do not need to lead to attacks on one another. It's obvious that we have different opinions. That's how it is in the off line world, not just the online world, and attacking someone because they've expressed a different opinion is inappropriate, and unhelpful. I told someone, once, on this site, that they were wrong. I got lambasted. I deserved that. My opinion was different, and it WAS a matter of opinion. However, with getting called out, came personal attacks. Personal attacks are ugly and unhelpful, and lead to more of the same. The world is full of differing opinions and attacking each other because of them is one of the problems in the world. In my opinion. Thanks. Henna
BiWife BiWife 5 years
it is our view that your worldview is destructive, uncaring, and a pox on society. If more people actually paid more attention to science than myths and fables, we'd be far better off. There is more than one "proper" sexual orientation. There is more than one "proper" gender identification and more than two "proper" gender roles. If you choose to limit yourself, then that's fine, but don't expect others to do so.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
hey robyncat, thanks for your concern. I am sorry that you do not like to hear anything that challenges your worldview, but, believe or not, your worldview is destructive, uncaring, and a loss to society. Strength comes from actually working through challenges, not calling names and closing one's ears. You are a product of TV. Ever read a non-fiction book? You earn what you get (unless you support theft by ones with power), so, get out and work. Then you will have rewards from those whom you bless, not "privilege," as you call it.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Kerri, definitely nothing wrong with you for wanting to stay with your partner through a transition. you're a very open and caring person to do so. Granted, there may come a time where it's too much for you - and that's ok too. Sometimes circumstances outside of our control change and make situations into something that we don't feel like we can handle. I had to break up with someone recently because we had only been dating a couple of weeks and I discovered she has massive ptsd and really isn't in a place where she can have a healthy relationship with anyone. Sucks, she's really nice but there's too much there to deal with when you're just getting started in a relationship. Hopefully, since you two have an existing relationship that won't be how it ends up for you.
robyncat robyncat 5 years
pax4pax, you've said a lot of ignorant things but that kind of tops it. The last thing Kerri needs to hear is someone like you who's going to spew uneducated and oppressive "advice". I'm sure that as a straight, married male who apparently makes 6 figures a year, the fact that you suck at throwing a ball has had little impact on your day to day life. In fact, I bet that few negative things have an impact on your life, since you're in such a privileged position to begin with. Excuse my rudeness, but you're a moron and shouldn't be participating in this conversation, since you aren't contributing anything even remotely useful. Kerri, transitioning is a complicated, hard process and in the end, your partner is seeking to change a very large part of his identity, presumably one that influenced your attraction to him. It would be understandable if you wanted to leave, but I agree with Bubbles that it's pretty cool that you want to stay! Definitely find a trans-friendly therapist, and connect with as many resources as you can. Everyone's already given you great advice, but I just wanted to chime in and say how great your open-mindedness is here. Good luck!
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
{{{Kerri}}} Your dreams of the relationship have to be going through some death throes, gender has a lot of implications. As long as you two want to be together there are plenty of new dreams to be made. I think he's lucky he's got someone by his side that isn't bolting. You're pretty cool in my book.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
The "male" is the one who needs a therapist. He was born as a male physically, so, he should learn to live with it. I am terrible at pitching. I have had to learn to live with it. Nature gives us challenges and it is always best to confront them rather than taking a drastic step to avoid what we've gotten. Allowing otherwise creates more confusion than resolution.
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Kerri, there is nothing wrong with you if you stay! There is nothing wrong with you if you go! This is an emotional situation, and nt matter what you choose, you need to feel all of those emotions, not run away from them. Talking to a therapist can help you get a handle on them, particularly someone who specializes in this issue. Not only can a therapist who handles this help you with what you're feeling now, they can help you anticipate issues coming in the future, can give you a view of what you and your partner will be facing. I can certainly understand how this issue can throw you for a loop. Some transgender folks come slowly to the realization of what they're feeling, and some come very quickly to it, but finding the courage, the strength to face it, to get past the fear of social and familial stigma can take a lot more time. Perhaps your partner has found the strength to face this within your love. I'm very glad for the both of you that he/she has found the ability to speak the truth about self to you before getting further into a committed relationship. There are things here you will have to decide for yourself, but you don't have to decide them by yourself, without help or input from people you value, from your partner, from an objective, experienced, informed professional. What a great question, why can't life be more simple? Well, it can, but simple doesn't equate to pain free, or easy. :) We experience because we're alive. We love because we're alive, we fear, and enjoy and adjust because we're alive. You're in an intense situation, one you never expected to face, in a million years. You have the choice to stay in the situation, or to leave it. But you're emotionaly involved, so easy and painfree is out the door. I second BiWife's suggestion of a support group, stay or go. And I would look for that Now. Start getting feedback, information, listen to others' experience. This isn't new anymore, even if it's not common. This particular human manifestation of identity has been with us from before recorded history. It might help you to research some native and foreign cultures to see how this has manifested through the centuries. It might not, it's pretty new. It's something to keep in the back of your mind, an option. Therapist, support group, time with your partner, no judgement. Choosing to stay or go, neither makes you a good or a bad person. People love who they love and deal with what they can deal with. Making an effort to understand what any choice involves will help you make your choice. Finding other people to talk to, face to face, and hearing their experiences, will help you. There's plenty of help out there, you both just need to look around for what's available in your area.
Kerri2492117 Kerri2492117 5 years
So there is nothing wrong with me if I stay with him/her? I am just all over the place emotionally! The positive feedback is helping alot I appreciate it I really do love him/her so much my life without him/her is horrible to even think about why can't life be more simple? I will check out that NPR story though thank you
henna-red henna-red 5 years
This kind of transition is incredibly hard, for everyone involved. Not only should he seek therapy to help him with the transition, but you should also, to help you understand your own emotions, and to help yourself discover whether you can stay in this relationship and be with him as he becomes her. There's nothing wrong with you if you can't. Your love wants to change something that is significant to who he is. You've been dating someone, loving someone who now says they are someone else. And I'm afraid that for the majority of the population, the organs that go along with the person matter. It's incredible for the couple that can see and get past that, but if you can't, then you need to know that asap, and so does your lover. I read that NPR story when it came out. I love it. And there are definately couples who have stayed together and thrived through this change, as well as families with kids. But it's not wrong, or weak, or bad if you can't, or don't want to go through this. Find a therapist, one who specializes in this issue for significant others of transitioning partners. And don't judge yourself, one way or another on the outcome. This kind of change is change for everyone involved in the person's life, and it affects everyone differently. There are emotions of loss, of grief, a lack of understanding how this person you know so well can be and want to be someone else. Talk to a therapist. Luck and love to you and to your boyfriend. I wish you the very best, no matter what that turns out to be.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
true love loves the person, not the organs that go along with them. However, during any transitioning there can be some personality changes. He should definitely seek some therapy, the process of transitioning is very complex and complicated. Contact your local pride center or other lgbt resource so you can connect with support groups, therapists, doctors/specialists/surgeons/etc. As long as you are committed to the person, you can potentially remain together despite a sex change. NPR has a great story:
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Tell him to keep an open mind and try some professional therapy.
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