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Boyfriend Wants to Be Friends

"He Wants to Be Friends"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm gonna be short with this. Me and my boyfriend of one year had a pretty great relationship in the beginning and things started to go downward from there because of the messages that he would ask to females over the cpu playing some questionnaire game, which I thought was very immature. I'm 20 he's 22, I know that's young but we are really committed to one another. . . . So the problem is I would bring things up again from the past because I felt somethings were similar to the present and necessary, so yeah I'll bring it up. I guess it got to the point where he told me he missed being single because he didn't have to deal with all the things that he had now. He told me he wanted to remain friends because he still wanted me apart of his life and what not. But he also told me that he has been feeling this way a couple months back but never told me and for that reason, I told him I could not respect him for letting me know that ahead of time and said I did not want to be friends with him. In the process of him telling me this he said he doesn't see us getting married but I wasn't offended because I'm too young to even think about that. So If I'm as much to him as he says, why be friends?

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chibros chibros 5 years
Just drop him totally, never think of staying friends. You're only digging your grave if you does so. He just want to channel you to just friends and probably with benefit, killing two birds with a stone. Just move on find a better guy.. You deserve much better.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I think it's a safe bet to say that it's rare for a breakup to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And Helen is right, he's just trying to soften the blow. Tell him to go find another friend and stay away from him if you're broken up. And yes, take away a lesson from this breakup and always move forward in your relationships, don't dredge up the past every chance you get. Good luck.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
BiWife is right that bringing up past hurts is a bad habit in a relationship. With the next guy, don't do that. All you are doing is competing with him over who has been hurt the most. This turns one annoying incident, which could have been handled simply and easily, into a gigantic drama that supposedly has been going on forever, causing you untold anguish. For which he is supposedly responsible. Do that a couple times a week, and any dude will be outta there pronto. Guys do it too. And it is just gross regardless of who starts it. Both people eventually join in, telling each other how horrible the other makes them feel. Piling on more poo each time they get a chance to speak. Yuch. Don't do that anymore.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
You sound like quite the obnoxious girlfriend. At a certain point you have to agree to let the past go - whether it seems relevant to the present or not. If all you do is harp on the poor guy, yeah, he's going to look for the fastest and easiest exit without allowing you to create even more drama for him than you already have. Figure out how to make yourself happy by yourself, then find another relationship. Perhaps if you are more happy about who you are, then you won't find the need to endlessly nit pick on someone else. Also, for the next time, if you're constantly feeling like you have to rehash old stuff that should be long forgiven/forgotten, then you're with the wrong person to begin with.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Let's just be friends means: "I'm breaking up with you. But I'm afraid you might cry or flip out on me, so I'm throwing the 'friend' cookie out there to distract you." It's a slightly slower type of break up. And it's designed to be easier on HIM, not you. Your instincts are dead on. You're right. You don't want to be his friend. You want way more. Trying to stay in his life and be his friend would only hurt. And it would hurt bad. Just see him as an idiot who doesn't know what he's missing. Get mad and like luckyducky says, move on. You'll feel better faster that way. No looking back. (And incidentally, the one sure way to make him regret breaking up with you is to move on briskly, without bargaining with him or lowering yourself in any way. He'll definitely think twice. You might wind up having to tell him, firmly and kindly, that he missed his chance and you're no longer interested. Good luck!)
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
Because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to still have you in his life, but not be committed to you. He wants you there for him emotionally, but not exclusively physically. And he wants to be reassured that he's not a bad guy, because if he's able to maintain a friendship with you then that means you don't hate his guts, which in turn makes him feel better about himself. My advice to you is to not fall into his proposed cycle of you being friends with him, you feeling resentment and anger towards him for choosing the single life over you, him ignoring you in favor of his single life, etc. Skip all that heartache, jump-start the moving on process now by leaving him in your past, and never returning to him again.
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