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Boyfriend Wants Open Relationship

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Wants an Open Relationship

My boyfriend made it clear when we began dating that he was into having a semi-monogamous relationship — meaning that emotionally he would only want to commit to one person but physically he would want to have affairs, but he and I would plan and make terms and conditions for these escapades. I hadn't been in very many relationships and not in any that were as sexually open as what he proposed, but I really enjoy his company and there was a hot spark between us. We started seeing each other often and eventually started sleeping together and we became very serious. We are now living together.

There is a bit of an age gap, I am 22, and he is 29. He also wants me to stay thin and die my hair — both of which I do for him without much trouble. He continues to gain weight, drink in excess, and doesn't help with the housework — but from my understanding from some of my friends this is not uncommon for men.

He is always very open and brutally honest about everything, sometimes to the point of being caustic and hurtful. I like that in him but it can hurt sometimes. He's been dropping hints lately that he would like to take me up on the agreement we made about him having an affair. Since we've been together for nearly two and a half years now and have an active sex life (3-4 times a week on average) and a happy home I don't know why he wants to have another woman. I feel a little worried about how often this may come up. We're currently planning on the first clandestine meeting with a woman for his birthday, but I am apprehensive.

What's a girl to do with herself on the night she knows her lover is with another?

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Join The Conversation
ADELPogi ADELPogi 5 years
I think you should end up your relationship, this guy feels that he is too handsome, there are a lot of guys there who will commit to you and will not treat you like that, don't be afraid that you might not find another one. Zero Dramas
ann45 ann45 5 years
Okay, so you knew how he was when you got into this relationship. Now you are expecting something different. It happens to most of us. But now comes the hard part for you-deciding if you can continue the same way you have. Something to consider is what you want out of this relationship. You seem to be only considering what he wants. The best of relationships are about give and take. Ask yourself if you would treat someone like he is treating you. If not, think about why you would allow someone, even someone you love, to treat you like that. Aren't you worth the same regard and respect you would give to someone else? You seem to have a great want to be loved, just like most of us, but is he really the one you want to be with for the long term? Most of time it just doesn't get any better without the both of us doing our part to make things work. He has your cooperation, but it doesn't look like you have his. It's hard, because the heart wants what it wants. That doesn't make your heart right, though. You're writing in for a reason. When you read the comments, like I did, they really seem to be trying to help. I think it's time to act upon what they are saying. Put your energy toward someone that you will give as much as you are in the relationship. Take care.
I think is really sad for you do everything that he wants day you'll look back and see how many time u spend with a fat jerk...
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
This whole situation is abusive and needs to end. You need to get away from this man.
myhousemd myhousemd 5 years
Just because his behaviors aren't uncommon doesn't mean you should accept them! It sounds like he wants you to be his dream girl, while allowing him to get some on the side, and he doesn't want to put forth any effort. Demand more! You deserve to be respected for who you are. The man who deserves you will work to keep you. Stop making it easy. In fact, if I were in your shoes I would leave that guy in a heartbeat. There are better men out there. They may not be common, but they are soooo worth the search!
fabulousfifi fabulousfifi 5 years
In TOTAL agreement with everyone else here ! Bettywayne and lil maw put it quite well. Why the hell would you settle for this ?! you're 22 :) you have so much more going for you than him. Do not settle for this ! i too was in an abusive relationship and turned my back because i deserve alot more just like you do ! :) The longer you stay the harder it will become. Good Luck !
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
blech. i need to take a shower after reading about this guy.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
And talking him out of it is probably useless.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 5 years
If an open relationship is really something you can handle, you should have agreed on the terms and conditions (who, when, where, frequency, protection) from the beginning. There's really nothing for you to do now but lay down in the grave you dug yourself, or get out. I'm leaning toward get out. You want to stay though? Get his sorry ass on a treadmill and teach him how to use a vacuum cleaner. This guy is a pig, and if your friends think that's normal, their men are pigs too. As for what you can specifically do for his night out? You can go out with friends, go shopping, spend the night with family, find a guy of your own, or stay home alone and cry.
GZO GZO 5 years
What's a girl to do with herself on the night she knows her lover is with another? I'd spend the night packing my things and leaving.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
This guy is scum. Leave if you want a meaningful relationship.
Lil-Maw Lil-Maw 5 years
RUN RUN RUN!!!!!! The reason that he is brutally "honest" is because he knows you are way too good for him and the only way he'll have you stick around is to make you feel poorly about yourself. He's trying to have you convinced that he's the best you can find! But seriously pretty girl you deserve someone that will love you and respect you. The end!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
Ew, this guy sounds like a loser. I suggest getting out of this relationship, it sounds unhealthy.
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
I agree with everyone else--get out and don't look back. This is completely unhealthy and you have been deluded into thinking this is what a "happy home" looks like. He tries to control you, doesn't take care of anything around the house, and wants a free pass to have sex with other women. There is nothing healthy at all about this scenario. You can have an active sex life with someone who actually cares about you, and this guy clearly doesn't.
Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine Gabriela-Une-Vie-Saine 5 years
This guy sounds like he doesn't care about your feelings at all. Asking that you stay a certain weight, telling you to dye your hair and wanting to sleep with other women? Um, no. Unless you can pull the exact same things on him, that's not fair. I think you have two options: either bring up the option of you having another boyfriend too, or get far, far away!
wolfjinx25 wolfjinx25 5 years
Oh no! You need to get out of this relationship! It is not healthy whatsoever. Why would you want a man to control you and he gets to do whatever he wants? You are a woman and should be treated with respect. you don't deserve to be unhappy or uncomfortable but since you feel that way, you need to get out of it. If you are questioning this relationship, then you know it is wrong to be in something like this. Please get out of it now before it escalates into something worst!
henna-red henna-red 5 years
If his playing outside of the relationship is wrong for you then it's wron for you. Quite frankly, he sounds like a guy who wants what he wants when he wants it and you are not the priority that you should be. If his definition of relationship is not something you agree to or agree with, then you need to stop the relationship. I know a lot of people in non monogomous relationships and people in multiple partner relationships. you have to have the boundaries right up front and both of you have to agree to all of the boundaries. If you can't, or don't want to, if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable and it's something that isn't going to change, then this is not the relationship for you. Remeber, the relationship is not just about what he want. It's about what you want, what he wants, what you want together. And don't expect that what he wants in this is going to change. It's your decision what you are willing to be a part of, to allow. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, or unhappy. Blessed be.
rmlaporta rmlaporta 5 years
if he doesn't treat you like a queen in the first year he will treat you like trash in the next ten basically this relationship is not a relationship and is very twisted if you think this is right talk to a professional this is not a healthy relationship to be in
passion8 passion8 5 years
How much does the relationship with that specific man mean to you? or is more important to have a relationship with a man it doesnt persay have to be him? ask yourself if anything goes wrong such as a baby is created,STD anykind treatable or non treatable, continuation of lifestyle, whatever can you live with it now,2 years, 5 years, 10 years and 20 years? that is how i personally make my decisions based on my goals in life and what i personally want for myself
passion8 passion8 5 years
Two really good cheap books that might help you on is WOMEN WHO LOVE TO MUCH AND THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, there is a couple other books on that might be useful for you to read before you and him actually act upon agreements that can either be positive or detrimental to the relationship. try other alternatives such as watching pornos together, people watch and discuess feelings or emotions that come up as these activitivies are being persued. ask him to help you make sense of these fantasies or desires he is having or wanting to act out.
kimberdoll kimberdoll 5 years
Everyone above is right. This is a very unhealthy relationship that you need to get out of. Now.
Natty85 Natty85 5 years
you're friends also don't know what they are talking about.
Natty85 Natty85 5 years
Why would you put yourself through all of that. Do you ever tell yourself what a great person you are? A man has never treated me that way. I'm sorry to tell you that you are being abused and you may need help getting out of your relationship. Your home doesn't sound too happy to me if you are going online to ask opinions. You must know that something is wrong with all of this. You are 22 years old! So young. You can do much better. You have to raise your standards otherwise you'll be trapped in a hurtful relationship rather than the happy one you are looking for.
lcrox07 lcrox07 5 years
No no nooooo. This is wrong. I get that you agree to his affairs, but you have to be able to do the same! Unless he is the only one in a "open" relationship here, then get the fuck out! No woman deserves to be controlled or maniupulated in that manner. Clearly you are not okay with this. You do NOT deserve this!
mnp mnp 5 years
There is a lot bad things going on in your relationship. The first issue is the control issue of your hair color and your weight. The second is lack of contribution to the relationship. i.e. not helping with the housework. The third issue is that he is being hurtful to you through his choice of words. None of these make a happy relationship. // I hope you have sat him down and told him all your concerns about this relationship. If you have and things have no changed, I would not stay with this man any longer. // As for the sexcapade, you were aware of the agreement but that doesn't mean you can't change your mind now. You should not do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I bet you that if you suggest sleeping with another man, he wouldn't let you. Your bf seems to have double standards here.
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