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Boyfriend Won't Buy Engagement Ring

"He Won't Buy Me an Engagement Ring"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend had been hinting to me about getting married and starting a family. He has been divorced before but no kids. I don't know if he's joking or not but I think he's trying to tell me that he won't get a diamond ring for me. He told me he thinks a diamond ring is pointless because it's expensive and there's no meaning behind it. He would rather use the money for something else. My boyfriend is not cheap. He's generous and spoils me. We love each other very much but this is bothering the hell out of me. I have told him that a diamond ring is something that symbolizes marriage, eternity, and I like jewelry and diamonds!

I am 25 and he is 35 and this will be my first marriage if we do tie the knot. I know the ring isn't the most important thing in this relationship but it's part of tradition and I like jewelry.

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Shop_Oholic Shop_Oholic 5 years
Engagement rings do not have to cost a lot - you are not demanding a huge rock or anything. He is being unreasonable and selfish. If you want a ring, then you want a ring. You should sit him down soon and explain the importance of what an engagement ring means to you...then I suggest couples counseling if you haven't gotten to the root of the issue.
enderberret enderberret 5 years
I most definitely wouldn't panic. I'm sure you can work something out. And even if he's completely opposed to buying one, I know there are nice, inexpensive engagement rings that will fit your needs.
abasler abasler 5 years
He might be ethically opposed to diamonds.  Even though you can buy them ethically now, a lot of people still believe diamonds to be symbolic of the suffering.  Also, the price of diamonds is artificially inflated, diamonds are not really rare enough to justify the price.  You may find out if he would be willing to get you another stone.  One of my friends has an ethical ruby that is gorgeous, and it catches far more eyes than a diamond of equal size would.  
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 5 years
My boyfriend , well now my fiance ! would tell me we would get married in 10 years .. he was always so serious and i would pressure him for awhile & then one day he told me baby im joking when i say 10 years but if u keep bringing it up then it will be 10 years haha.. so i just left it alone & knew in my heart that one day he would ask me to be his wife!! and sure enough dec 13th 2011 he asked me to be his wife !!!!!!!! All my waiting and not asking about it paid off haha.. so just wait things will work out the way the should work out :).
la-nouvelle-vague la-nouvelle-vague 5 years
You need to figure out if he's joking or if he's 100% serious. If he is serious then he may just be resentful from the first time he got engaged and married and then divorced. It could have made him realize that slipping a diamond on someone's finger doesn't mean you'll be spending eternity together. If that's the case though then he shouldn't be projecting that resentment on to your relationship. Is the diamond the only symbol of his love and affection for you? No, of course not. But for you, it is something that holds value and meaning (not just in the rock itself) but in the commitment he's promising to make to you for the rest of your lives together. I think the first step is to sit down and have a heart to heart with your guy where you get past the "I don't know if he's joking" fear. If he is only kidding, then great. If he's not, then explain to him why it really matters to you. Give reasons more than "I like shiny jewelry."
dashsuede dashsuede 5 years
Well, if it's a matter of money, than he should get a cheaper one. But to not get a ring is not fair. Especially if he spoils you at other times. He must be harboring some grudge about rings, like maybe he spent too much the first time he got married. But if he can buy gifts for birthdays, holidays, etc... then he can surely do something special for this one time occasion.
candytrees candytrees 5 years
Did he say he won't get you any type of ring at all? Or just not one with a diamond? Why don't you ask him why. I agree that diamonds are overrated, but still, most men don't tell their fiancees outright that they WON'T get them a ring at all. Hard to know what to say. Maybe tell him you would like a modest ring, just to symbolize marriage and union. Maybe, like a lot of men, he hates jewelry shopping. It's kind of a hassle--going to a jewelry shop, dealing with high-pressure sales people. If he agrees to buy you a ring, you can send him a link to an online jeweler, or even the ring of your choice, and he can easily buy one for you online. I recommend you look online at a reputable online jeweler and customize a modestly priced ring and if he agrees to buy you a ring, or even just a wedding band without a stone, he can easily save time and $ by getting it online for you. The reputable jewelers like offer free shipping and have good return policies too. Some good places are Kay, James Allen, Jared, etc.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I tend to think massive engagement rings are used to impress and one up other women more than anything else. "Look how much I am loved! What a generous and successful guy I managed to snag! I must be a great woman to rate a guy like that!" But that's my opinion. And don't even get me started on floral bouquets sent to work...although I'll admit I love to receive them in front of everyone as much as anyone else. Find out what dude can actually afford and then talk about what sort of ring makes sense. If this is all a ruse to hide the ring he's already getting you, you'll figure that out as you're talking. But in that case, don't let on that you know!
KathleenCora2240717 KathleenCora2240717 5 years
there are many other things that symbolizes marriage and eternity. Before the 1900's any gem stone could and would be an engadgment stone....just like wearing a colored wedding dress was more traditional than the preferred white nowadays. it shouldn't have to be a diamond ring..then again i'm a little less "nowadays traditional". you want what you want.....if it's that important to you then maybe he's not the man for you?!?!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
well, first you should figure out if he's joking or not. If you want a ring, he should get you a ring. If he disregards what's important to you, that's a problem. Obviously, if you were a girl who didn't care about marriage or engagement rings, then it wouldn't matter, but this (like everything else related to marriage) is all about what's right for you. But don't let other people project their preferences or beliefs onto you. There's nothing wrong with wanting an engagement ring!
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
For some people though it is important. Me personally, I think diamonds are overrated. I don't really get what's so special about shiny rocks, but that's just me. I understand if you come from a traditional family or something like that, but truthfully it's just a great way to get a guy to waste 3 months salary on you, when you could spend it on something more fun. I probably have no right to give advice, considering I'm probably never going to get married... my last relationship ended because I wouldn't get married. Not interested, sure it's great for people who are, but I was right, I'm in a great relationship now with a guy who isn't stupid enough to try to pop the question to me in front of a bunch of people and hear an answer he doesn't like. I know if I really wanted one out of him, I could, I know he'd do anything for me, that means a lot more to me than three months worth of his pay.
xxinfinitepleasurexy xxinfinitepleasurexy 5 years
Ho ho ho, look at me. I think a material item is more important than my commitment to another person. If my boyfriend ever got me an engagement ring, I'd dump him. No way in hell am I going to allow a piece of jewelry represent that someone owns me. Ugh, I'm so sick and tired of seeing these "He proposed to me wrong!" or "I didn't get the ring I wanted" type posts on Tres. Really makes me dislike this website and I love this website!
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 5 years
He may just be saying that to steer you off, especially if he isn't a cheap guy. The thing is though, the tradition you're talking about was actually placed by diamond companies themselves. He might have a problem with the way diamonds are obtained, essentially through blood money, but there are fair trade options for diamonds that don't involve horrific conditions. Maybe he feels like it doesn't have meaning because it is what everyone else does, if he's a creative type, so you could try going with a different stone or perhaps even a different color diamond. I get that almost every girl wants to have a gigantic rock on her finger to show all her friends, but if he really respects your feelings and spoils you, I wouldn't worry too much about it.
Ryah-Cooley Ryah-Cooley 5 years
Perhaps you guys could compromise and he could get you a ring with a different less expensive stone? I know some people are put off by diamonds because they're so expensive and they're not technically a "precious stone." Or you could have a different stone (ruby, sapphire, etc...) as the main stone with diamond accents? Is he totally against getting you any type of engagement ring or just a diamond engagement ring?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I hope you're not considering of breaking up over this? The title is kind of misleading, I think he will get you an engagement ring but perhaps not one with diamond, but if you really want a diamond ring, perhaps you guys can compromise, what's your birth stone, and that can be your main stone with some diamonds circling it or something akin to that. Some of my good friends actually had non-diamond engagement ring, some of them are vintage rings, and oh so beautiful! I was so enthralled with some of the settings. He may have some issues/superstition regarding diamond, or it may be a principle, I'm not quite sure which is which, but this can def. be talked about and compromised upon. Another suggestion, buy yourself a diamond ring, you'll still enjoy wearing it. Hell, girl, I bought myself a solitaire diamond ring just because I felt like it LOL. :)
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
Diamonds are definitely overrated. I agree with Pazuzu. Personally I'd rather have a basic band. I don't want an expensive ring that I have to freak out about if I lose it. The value doesn't matter. Its not the diamond that symbolizes eternity, its the ring.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 5 years
I agree, talk to him about it. This could be from his first marriage, maybe he thinks you care more about a giant diamond. Honestly I think diamonds are over rated, theyre too expensive for their worth and the whole blood diamond thing. Id rather get a cheaper ring and have more money for a honey moon or something. I know a few couples that were in debt because of the engagement ring and it caused problems down the road. If you really want a diamond though you need to tell him so you can decide what to do. Let him tell you why hes against getting one. Did he say no diamond or no ring at all?
henna-red henna-red 5 years
Is it possible he's teasing you? Is it possible this is bagage from his first marriage? Don't panic. Don't assume. If he voices his objection to the diamond, voice your desire. It's reasonable, it is tradition. Don't let it get in the way of your relationship. He may be looking to see where your priority is, him, or the jewelry. Any of that possible?
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