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Can I Remain Friends with Both Sides of the BreakUp?

Dear Sugar
Steve is my best friend. His girlfriend of over two and a half years has just dumped him and she's completely broken his heart. What stinks is that I've grown really close to her and now I feel like I have to choose one of them to remain friendly with.

I am 100% on "Team Steve," but I have to admit that I sort of miss her. I wrote her an e-mail saying that if she can't stop treating my best friend like dirt, I just couldn't talk to her anymore. Along with that dilemma, it seems Steve won't give up on trying to win her back.

Everyone else can tell that she's over him except for him and he's always calling me and asking for ideas on how to win her back. I constantly tell him that he can do better, but he just won't listen! What can I say to my friend to help him get over her and how can I deal with my own feelings about missing this girl? In The Middle Maria

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear In the Middle Maria
Poor Steve, he's not ready to let go. But it sounds like you aren't either. It's nice that you've formed a friendship with her, but I'll bet it's hard to think of ways to tell Steve to move on when you miss her yourself. Since you've already expressed your feeling for her over email, now you have to wait and see how she responds to you.

I know that you'd like to remain friends with her, but wait and see how she acts toward you now that Steve is out of the picture. In the meantime, be strong with Steve. He needs a true friend to tell him how wrong she is for him. It may not be easy to convince him to get over her, but don't give up. They don't call it tough love for nuthin'.

Join The Conversation
smith3 smith3 10 years
It seems like you've already shown where your loyalties lie by sending her an angry e-mail. If her friendship is important to you maybe you could just let her know you're aware there are two sides to every story, and that, though things are difficult at the moment, you hope you can hook up for a coffee or a drink before too long. But it might make sense to wait until your friend has had a bit of time to get over it too.
UrbanBohemian UrbanBohemian 10 years
These situations can be so rough. People on the outside of the relationship seem to just gravitate to only one person in it, or even if you didn't have anything to do with the breakup or falling out between friends, you're automatically boxed in to one corner or another. It can be sticky and difficult. If the person is worth reaching out to in your view, then come out and explain how you feel and be sincere that you can be valued as a friend.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
There are some missing pieces here. First of all, breaking up with someone doesn't mean that you are treating them like dirt. Sometimes things just don't work out. So she must have done more than just break up with him to warrant getting such a nasty email from you. And if she really has been horrible to this guy, then why would you want to be friends with her? It makes no sense.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 10 years
When it's hard to be friends with someone you have to look deep within yourself and discover why you're friends in the first place, and decide if that's worth remaining friends for. We are friends with people because they do something for us, it's as simple as that. None of us would have a friend that didn't benefit us in some way. Fun, excitment, laughter, therapy, shopping buddy, understanding, etc. Find out role she fills that isn't filled when she isn't around. Then work on "fixing" that. It's apparent that you aren't very good friends, or you wouldn't be telling Steve that he could do "better".
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
i wouldn't have sent her an email that was ugly. you never know how romance can go and if they get back together you might lose 2 friends when he's mad/offended at your harsh words for her. i say friends of a couple are like assets in a marriage "you leave with what you came with". unless you can avoid any comment on the relationship to both parties i think you have to "choose" so to speak, at least for the time being. as the saying goes; you can't dance at 2 weddings.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with DS here. Good advice. It's always hard when you get along really well with a friends girlfriend/boyfriend then they break up. But over time, it usually turns out that you don't stay friendly with the ex over time. Things gradually cool and they move on with few ties. But I think your friendship with Steve should come first, and that's where all of DS advice comes into play.
SarahAnne SarahAnne 10 years
Oh boy! You completely can be friends on both sides of the break up. After my best friend and her boyfriend broke up, and I was always their third wheel, me and her ex boyfriend started dating. She moved far away, but we still MSN and Myspace chat, her fully knowing that me and her ex have been together over 4 months, and I'm probably 25% responsible for the break up.
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