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Can Role-Playing Go Too Far?

Can Role-Playing Go Too Far?

Dr. Natasha Janina Valdez, clinical sexologist and author of A Little Bit Kinky, has been guest blogging here since last week. Today, she's answering questions you asked about role-play and a low-libido boyfriend.

Q: My boyfriend is asking me to pretend I'm some other woman during sex. Most times one of my girlfriends. He is also telling me that he finds them sexually attractive and how they turn him on, but he would never do anything in real life and he likes it just as role-playing. Also, he asks me if I have seen them naked to describe how they look, etc. Is it too much, and is it safe to keep feeding this, or should I put a stop before it's too late? Also, he keeps asking me stories about my past relationships — when we did it the first time and he wants to know details because he says it turns him on, even if he feels jealous. Is it normal?

A: As long as YOU are not bothered by it, it's OK. But if it bothers you in a way that is harmful to your emotional well-being then you need to stop indulging him. As for telling him about your past, if you feel comfortable with this then, again, it is OK, but if he berates you with this information then you know you can't play this way anymore. I'm not a huge fan of divulging too much of the past unless it is absolutely necessary. Tread carefully here.


Q: My boyfriend and I have not been having sex very often for about five months now. In that time, we have moved in together and he has started a new, highly stressful job that's not exactly stable. I understand that he's stressed out, and we have a pretty open communication about it. But we have sex maybe twice (usually it's more like once) a week. I usually try to initiate it, but he says he's too tired, too stressed, etc. But if we do happen to do it, he remarks that he feels better afterward. I'm at the end of my rope here. I love him dearly, but I need more of a physical connection. I know he's stressed, but how can I help him deal with that while getting some of what I need? I've been trying very hard not to be selfish about it, because I do understand how he's feeling. I'm very confused, lol. Is there a way I can get him more in the mood, and forget his troubles for a little bit? Get the answer, after the jump.

A: If he's truly going through a hard time, why don't you supplement your love-making with some self-pleasuring until his stress levels even out. This issue is so common I would hate to see you jump ship and have the same problem with a different guy. It is perfectly fine to be the one that initiates, so initiate as much as you want and see how he responds. It doesn't sound like he turns you down. Give this a little more time.

Dr. Natasha Janina Valdez is one of the nation’s leading sex experts and a certified clinical sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality. Her new book A Little Bit Kinky is an imaginative and open-minded guide to exploring new possibilities in the bedroom and healthier relationships. Visit her online at

GregS GregS 7 years
I don't get the feeling that it happens frequently as you all assume. I don't really think it does. If it's an occasional thing, I'll be with Natasha - if you're good, it's OK. He doesn't seem to want to actually do the deed with her gf's (true or false, who knows). If it's a constant request, then I'll agree with the ladies here. It'd be unhealthy for the relationship.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
Anon #1, your boyfriend sounds crazy. Please leave him.
ella1978 ella1978 7 years
Yeah, the first one is insane. I'll dress up like a nurse, but I will NOT dress up as a friend.. that is nuts. Nor would I be okay with him asking me to do such, seems weird to me too.
skigurl skigurl 7 years
yah i agree wholeheartedly with the comments about the first post as if he actually asks for this and you actually go along with it!! bad news! break up!
zzleigh zzleigh 7 years
Role playing is one thing, but when your boyfriend constantly has to pretend you're one of your FRIENDS that's a total red flag (not to mention insulting?) He's either got a lot of "young guy energy" or some mental issues. And having him ask you to describe your friends' nudity!? It's just too bizarre!
Pistil Pistil 7 years
That first one is perverse.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
Seriously! #1!?!?!?!?!?! Do you seriously think it's healthy for a woman to pretend she's HER FRIENDS while her man fucks her? Listen: there is a BIG BIG difference between pretending you're some sexy actress, and pretending to be someone who is an active member of your social circle. He's disrespecting you and YOU ARE DISRESPECTING YOUR FRIENDS. Leave him.
kismekate kismekate 7 years
To the first question --- WTF. I can't believe you ever went along with this! I don't know. Maybe it's just me -- but that does not seem normal or healthy. Isn't this hurting your friendships? That would make me so insecure.
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