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Can you ever be ready to lose your virginity?

"Can You Ever Be Ready to Lose Your Virginity?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am 22 and have been dating my boyfriend for the past five years. We are completely in love, and I'd have to say we have a pretty healthy relationship. The only thing is that in these past five years, my boyfriend and I haven't had intercourse. We fool around so I can't say that I am the perfect definition of virginity, but my fear of an unplanned pregnancy has kept us from going the whole mile.

I watched an episode of Oprah a few years ago where a sex therapist recommended two forms of protection to a young couple who were not really sure if they were ready to be intimate. That episode stuck in my mind. It made sense to me to have two forms of protection: a condom and something else to be extra safe. The only problem is that I am under my parents' health insurance, and I didn't want to risk having them find out about my plans. I love my parents but they are really old fashioned and a spontaneous visit to the gynecologist would have resulted in a really unhappy start to my search for birth control.

Just the other day I noticed that TrèsSugar had an article about nonhormonal birth control. After reading through all the options I was excited to discover that the Today Sponge was over the counter and effective. After reading the article, I talked it over with my boyfriend and told him that I had found the perfect birth control for my/our situation.


Everything has fallen into place for me to finally lose my virginity in peace, the only problem is that after five years I am still totally freaked out about losing the big "V." I talked to my boyfriend about it, and he said he understood and that he was a little scared too even though he lost his virginity years before we ever met. He said being my first was a lot of pressure for him as well, and he just doesn't want me to regret it. So now my boyfriend and I have decided to take a trip out of the city after the semester is over and have sex for the first time in a hotel somewhere in as romantic a setting as possible. I'm thinking candles (cheesy, I know).

Hearing that I wasn't the only one a little scared really helped me feel better, but all of this has led me to my question: Can you ever be ready to lose your virginity? Is it ever not scary?

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Join The Conversation
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
"Honestly, I think you're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be." I agree with this.
rachelinwa rachelinwa 6 years
I'm 29 and recently got married to my boyfriend of 4 years. We had both waited to have sex with the person that we married (though we had also "fooled around"). Was it hard to wait? YES!! Believe me, I'm a horny girl and I've wanted it a lot for years, so it was agony to wait.... but I'm so glad we did because now we don't have to deal with the ghosts of former partners in the bed with us when we're trying to enjoy each other. We don't have to suffer the comparison with former partners or deal with regret. We can just enjoy exploring sex together without all the baggage. And in response to lexib1994: there was no bad feeling deep down inside afterward. (emotionally that is. Physically it's quite painful for at least the first couple times). I heartily echo what the first poster said: if you're not at the point where you and he feel like you want to promise to be there for each other for life, then don't risk ruining the awesome sex life you could have with someone who IS willing to promise that to you. Take care
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Not so Helen! Budget passed last night, no defunding. Even if they were, you could contact your county dept of health for non-abortion contraception services. Anyway... I would suggest saving the romantic weekend away until you figure out how to have sex, sounds weird but you didn't ride a bike perfect the first time you tried either. Sex is something you need to practice before you know how to do it well. You sound ready. Spontaneity is the key- your body will tell you when. Keep your condoms/sponges/whatever in your purse, and when the time is right, just go with it.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
Agree with Karlotta. Your are already stressing, don't build it up to be this huge event with a big away weekend, rose petals, etc...that will put even more pressure on your boyfriend then he already is under, as he himself admitted. Don't do that to him. I have two pieces of advice. One, take lots of nice lubricant that you two can enjoy, because if you are nervous, it will affect how you respond. Two, be honest with each other about the fact that the first time is just that...the first time, one time, and don't make judgments about your future sex life on this one experience. Talking about that will take pressure off of both of you. You likely will not have an orgasm, don't sweat it. Realize that the moment is the first step on the path of your sexual life together, and you will be on a this journey which will (hopefully) improve with time. In other words, cut both of yourselves some slack and just enjoy the intimacy. Although there are people on this site who will say that there were fireworks the first time with so and so, realize that that is not necessarily the norm. Go your own pace, learn each other's bodies, and enjoy the closeness and how great your guy is.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
Not to pop any bubbles here, but Planned Parenthood is about to be defunded. So we can't fall back on that answer anymore, unfortunately.
karlotta karlotta 6 years
The more you wait, the bigger a deal it becomes. It's like anything else, the anticipation is making you nervous to a rather irrational level. Not that I'm trying to trivialize your virginity, at all - but I think you've got a great boyfriend, who is kind and patient and trustworthy, and what's holding you back is the years of building up anxiety over it. Yes, making too big a deal out of it, like going out of town and setting out candles, is actually setting up the stage for a disaster. Either he'll get performance anxiety or you'll be terrified that the big moment is coming and won't enjoy it. Better let a genuine, simple moment between you take its course; even if you're a little nervous, it's better to be aroused than to be so terrified by all the anticipation that you're not even in the mood for it and just feel obligated by the immensity of the situation. The planned parenthood advice was great. Get contraception from there! Your parents don't have to know, that way, and you'll feel safe and protected. And just enjoy the moment. It's his body, the man you love, and he respects you, and having sex with someone you love is wonderful - even though, don't expect crazy sparks the first time! But at least revel in the affection and tenderness. AND the heat of the moment. I would go without the planning part...
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I respectfully disagree. I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting. I made my current boyfriend wait nearly two years, and I wasn't even a virgin. Yes it is scary, but I don't think it's healthy to avoid things out of fear.
JJJSisters JJJSisters 6 years
It sounds to me that you're still not ready. And don't take all those people who said that "wow after five year you're still not doing it" and making it sound like that's bad. You'r relationship is built on such a deeper level and sex does not intimacy make. I'm proud you two have waited so long especially him with prior experience. I would go to PP or someplace and get a checkup, and consult about BC and discuss openly with your bf. And really evaluate if this is something you still want to do. Don't be pressured into doing it from him, from media, or these posters. It's fine to wait as long as you want.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 6 years
I agree with the others that planning something out of town is not a great idea. You're setting unrealistic expectations and it will be totally forced. If you know you want to, have everything you're going to need (protection) available, and when the time is right - just do it. Honestly, but b/c it's your first time (and his first time in at least 5 years) it probably won't last more than 15 min. So don't be so worried about it! Good luck!
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 6 years
Honestly, I think you're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Yes, losing your virginity is a significant milestone, but it sounds like you have it built up into an even bigger deal than it needs to be. I agree with BiWife that planning an out of town rendezvous only serves to increase the expectations and make you and your bf more anxious. You have been with him five years. Persumably you trust him and love him and he feels the same about you which is the best place to be in a relationship when it's your first time. Letting it happen naturally would mean the least amount of pressure on both of you. I also agree that becuase you are so anxious about this, it may be a good idea for you to go to Planned Parenthood to talk to someone about sex and about birth control options. It may help to ease some of your concerns and help you to relax so that you can enjoy the experience a little more.
missnacho missnacho 6 years
I didn't get the vibe from this post that it had anything to do with her boyfriend, I mostly sensed that her parents have a huge influence on her (which is normal) and that she's extremely scared over the matter. If you are really worried about getting pregnant, it is very important to use birth control but it's also important to know your ovulation cycle. For extra precaution, I would start keeping track of that in order to further help you prevent an unplanned pregnancy. About your virginity, it is a big deal. Everyone has their own style and if you want to plan a romantic night, then by-golly you should do it. But one thing is to not force it either. Once you get there, let things progress that night naturally. Kiss, caress and do a lot of foreplay to get you to that point where you'll be ready. Take it slow. Do not expect a night of great sex because it'll be a little slow and possibly a bit boring. But use the connection with your boyfriend to make it into something great. This is a night that the both of you will remember forever. I believe that no one is ever really ready because they don't know what to expect. I don't believe that you'll regret it though, because you have been with this man for five years. It's obvious you two are in love and I hope you two have a wonderful first experience.
missmaryb missmaryb 6 years
Losing your virginity is a pretty big deal, but you guys have been together a long time and if you still don't feel right about giving your virginity up to him, I'd be questioning why. Is it something about him? Do you have an unhealthy view of sex? Are you that terrified of pregnancy or emotional issues? I would discuss it with him and get to the bottom of it.
l-dot l-dot 6 years
Even if your parents are old fashioned, as a health matter, you should visit the gynecologist on an annual basis starting at age 18. And you should especially visit before becoming sexually active (and be able to visit after becoming so).
lexib1994 lexib1994 6 years
Just don't over romanticizing this! I honestly, and personally, believe no one is ready to lose their virginity- or at least thats how I am. Deep down inside, you will somewhat feel bad but at least you have a boyfriend who cares about you and it's with someone you love! That's all that matters! Also, the feeling after the first time will go away don't worry. You will realize it's okay to have sex and actually have fun with it! Good luck! :)
BiWife BiWife 6 years
I would caution against setting up an out of town rendezvous, it creates a large amount of expectation that can be problematic. Spontaneous is the way to go. When the time is right, you'll naturally have sex. Pushing the subject only creates fear, stress, etc, as you're experiencing now. The fact that you two have been together for 5 years and haven't reached this point before is cause for concern as well. I understand waiting a bit, but that's longer than it takes to earn a BA/BS degree. Reconsider why you think he''s the one.
serendipity82 serendipity82 6 years
You can always go to your local Planned Parenthood and talk to someone. They will give you a list of different kind of birth control. Explain everything. You can get a lot of condoms. Everything is private. Your parents would never know and you can get all the information you need. Losing your virginity is exciting and nerve racking all at the same time. Just go with the flow and when your ready you will know.
pax4pax pax4pax 6 years
It is significant and I would guess your parents' position is backed by years of seeing what can happen when the ultimate union is not built upon a good foundation of care and love. You probably feel scared because you realize the importance of this first act and of sex in general. I hope you choose to make it as right as possible. The first question is why you and he have simply continued as bf/gf for five years -- that's nearly a quarter of your lifetime and you haven't figured out whether you two are meant for life? If not for life, then save this special event for the right man.
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