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Can't we Keep the Past in the Past?

Can't we Keep the Past in the Past?

Dear Sugar--

I have been with a wonderful man whom I am engaged to be married to this month. We have both been married and have children from these marriages. During my break up with my ex husband and before meeting my now fiance, I experienced what it was like to be a single woman in the real world. I had sex with 2 men during this time, neither of which turned into relationships. Well, my fiance has found out about these men and is sick to his stomach wanting to know all the details about all of my past relationships.

I can't see how my past is the least bit relevant. I am sure I don't know everything about his past, although he says I do. In my mind, it doesn't matter what has happened in his past... we are now together and that's what matters to me. This can't be good for a relationship and he can not let it go; apparently he thought I should have sat around and did nothing I guess in between my relationships. I have had less than 10 sexual partners and I am 37 years old. I am confused... please tell me if this is normal. I love him so much and it kills me to think that my past is hurting him. --Ashamed Annie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Ashamed Annie--

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, what an exciting time for you! With that said, you're right, this tension can't be good for your relationship, so your fiancé is going to have to find a way to work through his insecurities about your past. What brought on a conversation about your past sexual partners so close to your wedding day? While your fiancé is hurt by your sexual past, you should not be ashamed of your actions.

You are right, what's important here is focusing on your life together as a couple. While you don't see the relevance, some men really struggle accepting the thought of another man being with the woman they love. It must be confusing to understand why these two men in particular are affecting him the way they are, especially since you have both been married to other people before, your fiancé's reaction is not abnormal.

Sit him down -- explain to him that what you did in the past, before you met him, is meant to be left in the past. Men are secretly very insecure so reassure him that he is the only man you care about, and the one you look forward to being with for the rest of your life. Rehashing previous relationships is just going to upset you both, so hopefully one final talk can squash this topic once and for all so you can get onto what's important -- your wedding and future together! Good luck to you Annie.


Join The Conversation
vmruby vmruby 10 years
He has no right to ask and I'd advise you not give him any details because I would imagine it has to be really uncomfortable for you and it could possibly make things a whole lot worse for the both of you.I don't see how him knowing what happened before he came along is going to help him in any way.IMHO it's very immature and sounds like he's jealous as well which is not a good combination.You should nip this issue in the bud before it comes back and bites you in the perverbial butt. The past is called the past for a reason and that's why i have always thought it was pointless to bring it up.Some people just can't handle it. Seriously he needs to grow up especially at his age and realize that everybody has one. If it were me,I would definitely reconsider the marriage thing until this gets resolved.
designergirl designergirl 10 years
How unrealistic and immature. Hopefully, in time he will get over this.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
wow, don't really thing congratulstions are in order. i'd rethink this one if i were you. who is he to demand an inventory of experiences you had before you were involved with him? he sounds very unhealthy and controlling. you don't have to be married you know. you've been doing things by yourself for quite some time. another divorce would be very difficult for not only you but your children. this does not sound like something that will resolve itself anytime soon and the issues are HIS NOT YOURS. translation; they are out of your control.
rubialala rubialala 10 years
I hope he can let go of this. It seems really ridiculous to me.
Marci Marci 10 years
He has no right to expect details about things that happened before you were together. Who even knows what he did before you met. The slate gets wiped clean when we start with a new person. If he can't accept that, then you may have some issues down the road you might want to seriously consider before actually marrying this guy. It's all about trust.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
he has some serious insecurity issues...seriously if you have both been married and are in your 30s this shouldn't really be an issue unless he's worried about STDs or something (which i don't think is what he's all upset about). pre-marital counseling might help, but i'd just sit down and talk to him. let him know that he's your future and the past is...well...past. hopefully, he can get over it.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
He seems insecure...maybe he feels like you will compare your intimate experiences with him with the ones you have had with other guys? I think he really needs to let it go, it's not like you've been promiscuous!! You've had a very normal amount of sexual relationships, and since you were not with him at the time, they should really be none of his business. Assure him he satisfies you and if he brings it up again tell him it makes you uncomfortable since you only want to think about your relationship with him. If he really wont let it go, seek some couples counseling before you get married.
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