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Is Chatting Via Web Cam Cheating?

Group Therapy: Is Chatting Via Web Cam Cheating?

The divide between what does and doesn't count as cheating can be murky. This question of infidelity comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We are in our twenties and still live at home separately, with our parents, who are very strict. We see each other about twice a week. Some time ago, I came across an email account that I didn't know my boyfriend had. He's told me all his passwords, so I logged in. (Yes, I know this is wrong.) I found out that he has been having sexy web-cam chats with girls about once every 8 months. Sometimes he finds them on Craigslist.

He doesn't meet with these girls, nor does he contact them more than once. It bothers me, though. It bothers me because it's something I'm not supposed to know about. Is this like the modern day equivalent of porn? If he isn't building relationships with these girls, and isn't seeing them physically . . .

SHOULD he be telling me about this? Do you tell your partner every time you view porn?

I'm afraid to tell him I know because I think he might continue secretly using a different account or something . . . it's not that I don't trust him but maybe he won't trust ME after what I did. Also, he sometimes asks me to go on web cam for him naked, but I always refuse. Does that mean that I am partially to blame?


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mooks mooks 5 years
I too am in the same situation. Why do men do this too us? You don't often find the same conversation in reverse roles, why can't they treat us with respect? So...i need advice desperately please if anyone can help me... I got engaged to my boyfriend in July, then i found out in October i was pregnant, but i miscarried at Xmas, and while i was ill and during my miscarriage one day i was lying on the sofa feeling in pain and very emotional and i realised my fiance had used my laptop and left his facebook account open, and gone out to fix our car! I couldn't resist, i looked at his messages (i already thought at this time that maybe he was hiding something from me as he was being so secreative so the opportunity was too great to turn down a look, i was hoping to prove my suspicions wrong and find nothing but this was not the case) i was so devastated as i saw an email from a girl and basically she was a 'cam girl' and the paying type!! I then read some of their chat while they were finding each other on line for their live sex show, this wasn't the first time, she knew him, she said she missed him and i read in the email what my fiance wanted her to do to him (disgusting things i add!) apparently they seemed to have not spoken for a short while and she was with a different site and she was telling him how to pay and then they disappeared. I felt sick. I never looked anymore into it. I logged out the account and as i do not have the password i cannot check up to see if this is a regular thing. Until now i have said nothing (6 weeks) , i was hormonal at the time miscarrying and i could only deal with things at that point by ignoring this, too much going on in my head at that time! I feel so terrible, i feel so cheated, i can't trust him now. I have to confront it, i can't ignore it anymore......yes i no i shouldnt have looked...but i did cause something felt wrong.......question now is should i stay with him, yes we are engaged but not married yet!! I love him so much and i thought we had a great future ahead of us and hopefully with kids which we both want but i don't know if i will ever be able to trust him as to me this is cheating no matter which way you look at it!!! He choose to have sexual relations with another girl and he knew i would hate that and it would upset me. That hurts.
hotelvoodoo hotelvoodoo 5 years
So I'm in a less serious, but similar situation. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost two years and he even moved to a new state with me, but over the summer he confessed that he had mutually masturbated with a cam girl. He told me that it only happened once, but he felt like he needed to be honest and that he wouldn't do it again. At the time I told him that it hurt but that I was just glad that he told me the truth but months later I still feel as though he cheated on me. I know he said it was just once, but who knows. He even told me he cheated on his last girlfriend, though he said he decided that wasn't the man he wanted to be. I don't know whether to take this as a sign or just try and let it go. We've even been discussing getting engaged and I know I can't make that step until I can resolve this feeling. What can I do?
beth15290 beth15290 5 years
I have this exact problem right now. I use my boyfriends computer when i am at his condo and i was going through his history of websites and noticed an interactive sex site. I asked him if he goes on there and makes comments and he finally admitted he did. I said i am not comfortable with that it is crossing the line between looking at porn(which we both do) and please do not do it. Well i caught him last night up alone on an interactive website again. He tried to tell me he was looking at porn, but i pushed the issue as i saw him typing responses back and i wouldnt accept his lie. He admitted it to me, but says he considers it just like porn. I said so why not just go to a porn site, He said he didnt know. He actually had to buy a membership in order to be able to type to these women. I am seriously upset and confused. I am considering breaking up with him over this.
Drewgy Drewgy 6 years
Men are assholes.... I ran into a VERY similar situation about a year ago with my current boyfriend. I was goofing off and because we live together and pay bills together, I had access to his passwords. Well, when we first met, he had an email account we used to chat on. I had completely forgot about it till that day I was sitting at home bored. I was shocked that I was able to access it (which yes, I admit, that is way stalkerish and don't condone snooping) and was going to just exit out but BAM, first email was a response from the day before. He was going on Craigslist and talking to other guys in the M4M section, also was his registration for another site which is another form of M4M online dating. I was so hurt, I couldn't wait till he was off work, I had to say something (which I did). About 20 mins later, he came home crying, telling me he was sorry and how it was just how he likes to "get off". So we talked and I expressed how I feel interacting with other men online IS cheating. If we had an amazing sex life, I guess I wouldn't mind too much, but that isn't the case. I truly felt like I was inadequate in some way. So present day, I've only caught him one other time, and that was on an app called Grindr on his phone (a location based app which shows men nearby and you can chat). That is when I left him. I didn't believe it was just to get off anymore. If he wanted to just orgasm with someone online, why the F&%K were they always in our neighborhood. So, we are back together, and I don't snoop anymore. That turmed me into a nut job always trying to find something, searching web historys, attaching a log keeper on our wireless router, looking at phone records, just freaking crazy. He says he has stopped and I honestly don't feel in my gut he met up with any of these guys. HOWEVER, he does know that one more time and I will disappear from his life as if I never existed. So basically, you have to talk to you partner, communication is a HUGE thing in relationships. Even if you can't talk about everything, there has to be boundaries set. Porn is A OK in my book, I'm a guy, I love to be visually stimulated. Online chatting is a HUGE no.... I did partake in some web-camming when I was younger but, why would you want to connect like that with someone else when you have someone already, I personally would feel like shit and the guilt would kill me... Back to my opening statement, men are assholes.
princesspie princesspie 6 years
I have been with my Bf for 4 years have two beautiful children together. In the past few months i have noticed porn sites on our computer, i know he is watching after the first time i confronted him about and he didnt lie to me about it. When we first met he said porn did nothing for him, now im catching him watching it and getting off to it, he knows that i want it all the time and he only gives it to me once a week and watches porn maybe once a week to two weeks (as of right now anyway). So this morning i sat down at the computer and went thru our history on the computer to find some game and came across the sites, i started clicking on them and one site was 18 to 19 year olds live chat webcams and two other ones were live webcams and another one was just videos. It doesnt bother me that he watches it it bothers me that he is watching and getting off to live chats, is that considering cheating? it makes me feel so sick, its hard to even look ast him right now, im going thru alot of health problems and im worried and scared about. should i be worried that my bf may be cheating or wants to cheat?
aldona-bb aldona-bb 6 years
I am cam girl. So i know how guys feel about that. and its nothing to worry about. Really, they just take those girls like friendly porn movies and they can control what is happening. Don't worry about that. Its much better than hunting real sex.
Shortycp1 Shortycp1 7 years
I know a girl that is going through this now. Her bf regularly looks at porn to masturbate. Once before he paid $50 on live cam site to watch stripper. Due to missing $50 he confessed and said felt bad like he cheated and never again. It's been a year of breakup and back togethers, he continued his porn habits even after talks of why it bothers her. Now recently he spent more than $50 to again view live cam girl but this time talked to her. Set up new email for this also. His fav is a Russian model that promises satisfaction. I feel he disrespects his gf by doing this because she loves lingerie, sexy talk, and always willing with him. So if she isn't enough, he has problem! It's cheating to me and causes the woman who loves him so much a lot of pain and stress. Why does he tell her how much he loves her and wants them to be together, but continues his behavior like he is only one who should matter. It's like buying and interacting with a prostitute, so I think he is acting out a desire for variety or an affair that may end up leading to physically cheating on his beautiful sexy gf. He don't deserve her in my opinion.
allycatsmom allycatsmom 7 years
He's well on his way, if not... already has cheated. Sorry, been through it, and know better.
tintin06 tintin06 7 years
i just found my boyfriend chatting to some girl on msn who happened to be naked and chatting to him. he thought i couldnt see it and when i comfronted him he turned off his computer and said it was nothing and he was talking to nobody as far as i am concerned u dont add asomeone on msn that u dont know please help
daniland daniland 7 years
Oh another thing that may hold merit...if he feels forbidden to do whatever it is, he may begin to feel suffocated if he feels differently than you do. The goal in a relationship is to love and accept, if you can come to a common ground chances are your relationship will be much more enjoyable. Try to be open and listen to his intentions if you guys talk about it. I try to base my judgement on peoples intentions, maybe he didnt feel like he was cheating at all!
daniland daniland 7 years
Unless you think watching porn is cheating, this is not cheating. Its just interactive porn in my opinion. Lets face it, every couple gets to a point where sex gets less exciting, nonetheless we all want t remain satisfied sexually, whats a better outlet than to mess around online?? I think this is a reasonable way for a lot of guys to satisfy themselves without compromising their partner.
klimtgirl klimtgirl 7 years
okay. ;-) I'm so not a big online poster... but here it is. I always knew my husband was into porn (big time).. and I totally get what the web cam is all about since that's how we started out... But now he says he started doing it (meaning - the porn/web cam paid sites) and his hope is that I will join in with him (him and one of these girls)...... So on one token I am glad he is honest with me, but on another he has an addictive personality so I know this will never end :- / and it makes me upset to think about how it is pretty much real life. I went online to check it out and sure it's exciting! Because it's for real!!! I mean, I'm sure once you start then the old porn has lost it's appeal... but it makes me a little sick to think of the idea that surely he'll be going back to the same people. And that is how WE started out! :-( Just using this to vent. Then part of me thinks maybe I should just go on with him some point. (a side note: I did actually tell him I would be interested in a three some a few years ago and that never quite happened. So his hope is to fulfill the fantasy this way.
rachelbee rachelbee 7 years
Oh my god. This is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I have just "secretly" found out that my boyfriend is paying for live sessions with girls. Pre-recorded, so I can watch them. Some of them are like "hiii matty baby", and it makes me sick. I have no solution to this stuff. I am disgusted by it, I genuinely feel cheated on. They are referring to him by his first name, doing things that he likes, live. I googled this because I didn't know if I was overreacting or not. I've now concluded that I'm definitely not. I'm the first girl he has slept with, and he has kissed a girl behind my back. I think he definitely wants to "experience" other girls, and it makes me ill because I am so in love with him.
Truth12345 Truth12345 7 years
Here's the test. Would you be okay with your SO reading over your shoulder as you (* not "you" specifically - okay? "you" as in - big picture) chat, text or communicate with anyone, anywhere?? ^ This. if it is something he feels he has to hide from you, and would not be confortable doing with you there, it is cheating. Period.
cyntay cyntay 7 years
I know this is late to come into this discussion, just read all the comments. I often chat on a cam chat site, and have made many good friends. there are certainly men who are in a relationship or married who come on the chat site who only want to interactive with women and have cyber sex. I usually block them. but on to the discussion above. I personally feel that it is cheating . i certainly would not like it to happen to me if i was in a relationship or married. my thought about marred men or men who are in a relationship who get involved cam to cam with strange women, they are not considering their partner and in my humble opinion disrespecting her. i know how hurtful it is to have a cheating husband. I was married to one. several affairs I forgave him for the sake of our daughter. but the last straw the broke the camels back happened in 1975 when he was caught in a police raid with prostitutes and had his photo and name splashed across the South African Sunday Times. When I asked him why. he's answer was I though it did not matter as it was only a prostitute. ... With STD's so rife in this country... yikes I divorced him, had myself checked and never looked back.. Good luck to the lady who first posting on this thread hope she sorted everything out.
Sassytalks Sassytalks 7 years
PS. Aly, if someone isn't comfortable with something that doesn't mean the guy has full rights to cheat. I wasn't into choking like my ex was - but that didn't give him a free pass to cheat.
Sassytalks Sassytalks 7 years
First, you're not to blame AT ALL and it makes me question if this is someone really asking for advice or if you're way too easily accepting of red flags. It is a form of cheating and it doesn't indicate anything good. If the relationship means something to you I would say to come clean about what you found and tell him you can't be with someone that does something like that - so he knows that you aren't going to be a push over. If he really loves you he will work on fixing the problem. If not - CIAO.
racheltremblant racheltremblant 7 years
p.s. he paid for it, its not a free site.
racheltremblant racheltremblant 7 years
just found out it seems my boyfriend has been doing this as well. Really confused as i feel like ive been cheated on. what do you think?
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
AlyCarolina. Your advice is really nonsensical. If he was a decent stand up guy and he needed sex he should be complaining to her about it like a man, not sneaking behind her back in the dark jerking off to webcams. Its gross lowlife trashy behavior. If you have any sense of whats right and wrong then I would recalculate what you said. YOu know whats meant by "Understanding Women?" Elton John wrote a song about it.
AlyCarolina AlyCarolina 7 years
I don't know, i agree with some of you it is a form a cheating no doubt about that but to me... just me and its just my opinion. She is in a 4 year relationship and they only see each other ONCE A WEEK!!! and she does not want to spice things up with him via web cam soo what else should this man do ... I rather have my boyf doing funny and kinky stuff with me then with a random girl I think that's sad that you cant please him enough that he has to look for it some where else and if you don't like the web cam sex or whatever then you should find other ways to spice up ur relationship... I do think you also have some part of fault but again its just me...
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 7 years
Don't tell his parents. That is a vengeful and fucked up thing to do.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Yes, its a form of betrayal. If it were me I would print out a copy of the contacts and leave it on a table whn he come to visit. If he doens' say what you need to hear send the second set of copies to his parents as a good bye. I'm sure his parents and yours would understand that it's just interactive porn. No big deal, yeah right, Oh and make a doctors appointment. You never know if he's picked up more than an online address....
Janine22 Janine22 7 years
I personally think this is totally different than porn. It is cheating because it involves a live girl who he is talking with and likely looking at naked or exposing himself to, or at the very least engaging in explicit sexual talk. So, I would imagine that you checked his account because you had a weird suspicion/women's intuition and now it is confirmed. I do not think that this is any way your fault. I don't think that a lot of women would be comfortable getting naked online because there is always the danger that your bf will post the footage somewhere. Yes, I do tell my partner when I view porn, which is not very often. I tell him because it turns him on and I am just a perpetually honest kind of person. However, I know that he does not always tell me when he watches it. But I think that viewing porn is completely different than what your bf is doing. Yes, this is a tough one because I think that you need to confront him but that is no guarantee that he will change the behaviour, he may just find ways to hide it. But this is a breach in trust in your relationship and obviously you had some suspicions or you would not have have snooped. As other girls have mentioned, I think that this is likely a precursor to cheating so you need to think about whether you really want to be with someone who is secretive and lies to you about his sexual behaviour with other women. Good luck.
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