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Cheater Hater

Dear Sugar
I am a swf, 38. I'm very loyal, devoted and focused on living my life with no regrets as well as doing the right thing. I have strong morals and family values and I have a serious issue with people who cheat. I have zero respect for it and I think it's the meanest thing one person can do to another - especially when that one person took vows, or made a verbal commitment as boyfriend & girlfriend. Usually when I encounter a cheater, I don't even associate with them, I don't want to be connected in anyway to people like that. Well, a very good friend of mine is dating a married man and she tells me all the time how great he is between the sheets. I don't comment because she is a friend and I don't want to be judgmental - that's not a friend - but how do I handle this? It sickens me and not because of her, or the cheating loser she is seeing, but the poor wife that is home, caring for his kids and thinking she has a marriage that will last forever. Every time I hear about it, I pray that G-d plants the seed into destiny and allows the wife to find out. Perturbed Patricia

Dear Perturbed Patricia
You're bio should say: swf, 38 virtuous. I applaud your devotion to living such a good and praiseworthy lifestyle, but you can not project your values onto others - you can only be responsible for your choices. Also, you can not tell the wife. As much as you want to, and as much as she deserves to know, stay out of it. You do however; have the right to tell your friend how concerned you are about this relationship. She may call you judgmental and accuse you of being self-righteous, but I'll bet you'll feel better once you open this subject up for discussion. If you harbor your disgust, it's going to rear its ugly head. You'll wind up getting snooty and making little resentful comments. That's only going to harm your friendship (which is separate from her affair). The problem here is that although cheating is dishonest, you don't know what kind of marriage this man is in. By talking to her, it will show her that you are trying to understand despite your own feelings about adultery. Maybe this man's wife has cheated on him in the past, maybe he's planning a divorce, maybe his wife refuses him of sex or maybe they have an open marriage. But give her the benefit of the doubt and listen before you judge.

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