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Clueless About Sex

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I have only had sex with one man, my husband. We have been married for seven months but we were dating for five years. We have been having sex for almost five years now. I had no clue what I was doing then and I still feel like I have no clue now.

Every time we have sex I feel like it should be satisfying and according to everyone else we are doing things the right way, but I am left feeling like is there anything else? Everyone talks about sex being amazing but I just don't understand if I'm missing something. We have sexual chemistry, but I don't know what to do to make my sex life more amazing is there something I'm missing? I don't orgasm everytime so I think that contributes to my feeling also. . . Need help!


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JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
"Don't be scared to tell your partner to do something differently. men don't mind being guided." --> Yes! I am a guy, and this is really true. For one thing, some guys have no clue how to satisfy a woman -- I was totally clueless about clitorises for years. When I finally learnd how to massage one. (Yes, my girlfriend had to teach me how to do it, and I felt like a fool. But it the end it was a lot of fun for me to get her off in a totally new and different way, and I was thrilled to give her a thrill I had never given her before.) Tell him what you like. If he doesn't have a clue what turns you on, he will be thrilled to find out. Sure being macho means penetration. But macho guys are always more than happy to learn new techniques.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 7 years
Well, based on what I read it seems like your sex life is fine. If you get the big O once in a while you're on the right track. I wouldn't put too much stake into what movies or porn films show as good sex. That's just the movies and not what works in real life. Last time I tried to imitate a movie I wound up with a urinary tract infection. Goes to show I need it nice and easy, not pounded like a hammer while shouting out words that just wind up as a distraction. Women who venture forth and have a few sex partners before marriage have the advantage of having some physical fun and pleasure, but it's not as important as you think it is. I would take that information like a friend who got to travel more than you. She got to go to Paris, and London and you stayed home to save up for a house. Not as exciting I know, but now she's back and she still rents an apartment. Eventually she wants a house too. See what I mean? The grass is always greener on the other side. If you have one partner who dies a pretty good job of it, then you're fine. If you would like a little more excitement then maybe a good sex book would make you feel more confident about whats going on with you and your husband. They have entire sections on that subject at Barnes and Noble.
Glamgirl1 Glamgirl1 7 years
O and does he have any other experience besides you? if not he may just be clueless
Glamgirl1 Glamgirl1 7 years
are u able to satisfy yourself?..if so maybe you can give him some hints on what make YOU feel good...although its difficult u CAN orgasm everytime other ways...more foreplay...maybe he needs to multitask (stimulate you with his hand during penetration) or satisfy you with oral before intercourse. Or maybe you might want to have a talk with him and ask if he even cares about your needs and satisfaction because there are also many guys out there who only care about themselves being satisfied (in this case its a whole different issue in the relationship that you might want to think about). otherwise try different positions, go to a sex toy store and get some toys and porn and try some new things girl!
Venus1 Venus1 7 years
Nick Re:"Its actually not possible for every woman to orgasm from sex." I don't wish to distract too much from the OP's question so I'll be brief. I think statements like this usually refer to penetration. Certainly I don't climax from penetration alone myself, but have an almost 100% success rate from oral, as do my close friends who I discuss things like this with. For me, sex without an orgasm can lead to you feeling something has been missed, but most of the time I would still prefer it to a back rub with the right person. However if orgasm-less ex was a regular thing I would want to discuss with my lover, with a view to change.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
"Its actually not possible for every woman to orgasm from sex." --> Perhaps. I am a guy, and I have a question. If a woman could not achieve orgasm, would she still enjoy oral sex, for its own pleasure? The idea here is, he does whatever makes her feel good, so any expectation of an orgasm should not be an issue (unless either one of them has issues with being too proud). Or would such a woman prefer a back rub, etc., either with or without her clothes on?
silverfern silverfern 7 years
yeah well, i think there should be more excitement to your, uhm... sexual life hope that helps good luck
clareberrys clareberrys 7 years
MissSushi - im going to have to disagree with you. Its actually not possible for every woman to orgasm from sex. About 10% of women will never have an orgasm from sex. We are the unlucky ones I guess! But, you really dont have to orgasm for sex to be satisfying. I just wouldnt tell the OP that she can definitely have an orgasm as long as she tries different things when you dont know if she will be able to. To the OP - talk to your husband about fantasies that the two of you have or watch porn together or buy some lingerie and surprise him by wearing it....spice things up! Sometimes sex will be the same old thing, but its important to keep trying new things...different positions, toys, talking, role playing - whatever works for you. Also, are you guys just doing vaginal sex? Maybe you would enjoy oral sex more - easier to orgasm from. Just a thought!
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
I would make two suggestions. I think she should imagine her most enjoyable sexual fanatasy, and then have him perform it with/for her (assuming he wants to). Second, I wonder if all is well within the relationship. Is he sometimes condescending to her? People cannot be resentful towards each other, and then expect themselves to be able to jump in bed and be in rapture with each other.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
She's only been married for 7 months, but has been having sex for 5 years now with him.. not really a situation of waiting for marriage, obviously. We don't know any of the back story, they could be young, he could just have been her first and they spent years and years together and decided to marry each other. Not everyone that doesn't wait for marriage starts fooling around with multiple partners as soon as possible, so this situation is very applicable. I don't think things just blanket statements like that are helpful at all, its obvious she needs help, which is why she asking for advice. All she needs to do is talk with her husband and start expanding her horizons in ways shes comfortable with, and things will progress from there.
marcied23 marcied23 7 years
she didn't say she waited till marriage, just that he's the only one. either way, if she talks to him about it and they do a little research together, it could be fun. i have a feeling though, that she's just nervous b/c she doesn't have that much experience.
MissSushi MissSushi 7 years
I think the comment telling about not having an orgasm every time is ridiculous and false. You CAN have one every time, you just have to take more control of it. It's true many women have trouble orgasming through penetration alone,so you can experiment with positions that help clitoral/gspot and you can use toys or your own hand. It isn't everything, but it is important and dont let anyone ever tell you to just get used to not. I hate when people tell other people that crap. Notinthemood's advice is really good, all i can add is that you really really have to relax and enjoy yourself and not stress or over analyze things. If youre mind is constnatly off picking things apart, or wondering, you aren't going to be in the moment.
Deidre Deidre 7 years
I would HIGHLY recommend getting some reading material. There are excellent books out there that can help you understand what's going on from a physiological standpoint. It doesn't have to be the kama sutra, but rather the books about our bodies that are just there to help you realize that everyone has different erogenous zones...and that it can be a lot of fun trying to find yours! You can always order them online if you're embarrassed. I would start with the Guide to Getting It On.
njau njau 7 years
Just to note, as a woman, you will not orgasm everytime. People will say they do, but that's really rare, so try to get your head out of the big "O" situation on every occasion, it is still very important and you should get your pleasure as much as he gets his. As much as I hate it, pick up a copy of Cosmo magazine. Even in one issue, you will get a lot of information and stuff to do. (The reason I don't like it, is most of the stuff is how a girl can get their guy off and is very one sided to me...) but nonetheless will you give you ideas. Remember everyone starts somewhere in their sexual life, it's nothing to be embarassed about!
notinthemood notinthemood 7 years
What is your focus during sex... do get him off, or to have a good time? If you're scared that you aren't doing it right, you're less likely to enjoy yourself. If you need a little help, have a few glasses of champagne, turn the lights down and start with light touching... backs of the arms, neck, hand massage... all very sensual things. Add a little suggestive eye contact and some coy flirting. You want to make sure you're turned on and feeling sexy before you actually begin the intercourse part. Keep taking it slow and try to savor the feelings you get... how his arms feel, how it feels when he runs his fingers through your hair... you know, get into it. Tell him what feels good and ask him if he'll do certain things for you like kissing a certain place. Once you get into the main event, don't rush toward his climax... you probably need more work to get yours. See if he'll work on you first, or use a toy for extra stimulation while you're working on it. I get the feeling that you don't enjoy sex because you don't feel like you're being made a priority, so you have to step up and make your climax a priority to you. If he's any kind of a partner, your enjoyment will be important to him... he might just not know how to help you, so you need to offer guidance.
alliegarra alliegarra 7 years
I guess the first question I have is whether or not your husband is happy with your sex life. Forgive me if this is a stupid question, but have you both talked together about this issue?
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