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Contacting an Ex to Apologize

Group Therapy: When Is It OK to Contact My Ex to Apologize?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


Well I broke up with my boyfriend of two years on Saturday. This isn't exactly the first time I've broken up with him; I tend to do it a lot out of anger, but it's always temporary and everything turns out fine afterward. If it helps you to understand me, I'm a pisces so I tend to get over emotional. The reason that I broke up with him was because I felt like he wasn't putting in much of an effort for our relationship. Neither one of us works because we are full-time students, so there is plenty of time for us to see each other. I get a little pissed when I hear that he makes plans to hang out with his friends, but doesn't make the effort to spend quality time with me.

On Saturday we had a date planned. We hadn't seen each other since Tuesday, and I missed him. That night about 30 minutes before he was supposed to pick me up, he called me to say that he went to visit his mom and she opened up to him about her distant relationship with his stepfather. During their conversation she got a bit teary eyed, so my boyfriend made the decision to cancel our date to stay with her for support. I admit that I acted selfishly and I should have been more understanding. I realize that now. I never meant to make it seem like I wanted to to be a bigger priority then his mother. That was not in any way my intention.


Since I've acted out of anger before, I know I've pushed him to the edge. I want to apologize for my harsh words and selfish act. I don't expect him to take me back, but I still feel that I need to get this off of my chest. I do still want to be with him, but of course, like many couples, we have our share of problems. How much time should I allow to pass before I make an attempt to see him? And under what method should I speak with him? I want to do this face to face, but knowing how he is when he is pissed, he probably wouldn't pick up a call from me to plan a meeting. I know his class schedule, so should I casually bump into him on campus and request a private word?

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somekindofmagic somekindofmagic 6 years
I have an ex-boyfriend that I dated for three years. He had a nasty habit of breaking up with me when he was having a "moment" and a day or week later he would call with an apology and all would be well. The last time he did it, I never looked back and moved on with my life. Your boyfriend isn't right for not making time for you but that's something you should have talked about with him instead of breaking up with him in the heat of the moment. If he doesn't want you back, you will have to move on. I hope you learn a lesson and try to think before leaping.
green-socks green-socks 6 years
Having been on his side of things, I would ask you not to call him. He needs to learn that you are manipulating him, and that he is so much more than a doormat to your immature whims.
I guess you need to realize that you made a decision. Find you first.
BiWife BiWife 6 years
This guy is better off without you. Learn to control your emotions rather than blaming cosmology. Throwing tantrums every time you think he's giving more attention to someone other than you is ridiculously childish.
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 6 years
You should contact him immediately, by any means possible. You made the decision to break up with him within a matter of moments. You should apologize just as quickly.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
If you want to truly want to set the record sraight(and without any hidden implication of asking him to take you back). E-mail him and write directly that your decision has nothing to do with his mother and if you come across to want him to prioritize you over his mother, you don't intend to come across that way. And you hope that his mother is doing ok. There, that's also a good simple method to let him know.
missnacho missnacho 6 years
Helen Danger is right. The more you go back on your word the less power it gives to your word. So definitely when you approach him, do not sound like you are trying to get pity out of him or that you're trying to get him back. You are NOT apologizing for breaking up with him! ( because break ups are usually a two way street and he does need to realize that he had his faults by not putting in any effort) BUT your apology is for allowing him to assume that you wanted to be more important than his mother. Keep it short unless he makes a gesture that he wants to talk more about it. Do not harass him. Be self confident and assure of yourself. Since you two have just recently broken up, you two are too fragile to make contact. But at the same time, I feel the two of you shouldn't let this anger just brew. Since you want him back, I'd say wait three weeks to a month. At this point, since he's probably missed you so much he wont be so quick to just blow you off. I do imagine that he'll be silent and lost for words if it is a casual approach. and btw, I do believe that is the best approach. If you call him or email him, it is a bit harassing and he'll be reluctant to talk to you. But if you run into him, even though it sounds a bit stalkerish, you can come off as a mature adult that came over to say hi and OH YEAH i wanted to apologize for blah blah blah. Get the drift? Be sincere but not pathetic. In the meantime, work on yourself. You may have been attention seeking because maybe he became your only friend. That tends to happen in relationships, you lose contact. So start going out with them. Maybe you'll realize that it is better to move on from this relationship, but I do still believe that you should apologize.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
You're going to be shocked when one of these days, your boyfriend agrees to break up with you, and doesn't want to hear your apology afterward. Don't cry wolf. It lessens your point and makes you look silly.
robyncat robyncat 6 years
Regardless of your intentions, it sounds to me like this relationship isn't working and it may be time to just let it go. I've been on the receiving end of multiple break-ups from the same guy who tried to end the relationship every time he got mad or upset. It didn't do good things for my self esteem, and left me unable to trust him. I would imagine that by breaking up with him so many times, you've ruined his trust in you as well. My advice would be to move on and let him (and yourself) heal - contacting him at this point is just another way for you to assert yourself as the center of his world. It's cliched but you need to be okay with yourself before you can be in a healthy relationship, and it sounds to me like you're too focused on attention-getting and drama with this guy.
egyptianmusk egyptianmusk 6 years
Call him - if he doesn't pick up, then email him, and let him know that you would like to talk to him. Say it the most sincere way possible. And tell him to call you when he is ready. Give him as much time as he wants. If he doesn't reply, write him an apology letter.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
It's not when you apologize but how. It sounds like you need a little coaching on how to give a 'full' apology. Feel free to ask how to give a 'full' apology.
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