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Controlling Ex

"Can I Keep It Strictly Sexual With a Controlling Ex?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex and I broke up a while ago. We broke up because he was very controlling, we had a lot of miscommunication and there was unavailability on his part. The sex was very good though! He wants to be friends with benefits and we talked about it and agreed we would try it out. After a few days of talking he gave me a list of rules that I have to follow. I have taken the worst out of the batch to list them here.

-You are not allowed to contact me, only I am allowed to contact you. You can reply to me only with the information of if you are free. No small talk allowed. I don't care for it.


-I would like to date and have sex with other women. If you see me anywhere I would want you to act like we are strangers.

-This thing ends when I tell you it ends. I am the determinant of that.

-There is to be no drama from you in anyway. If anything hurts or if you do not enjoy it. You will then need to woman up.

After reading this I felt as if he was being sexually abusive and controlling-yet again. I told him I didn't want to follow through with it. I am just ignoring him now . . . am I being unreasonable when he doesn't want to agree and compromise with things WE BOTH WANT? What would you do in this situation?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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Melficent Melficent 4 years
WOW! Are you really this stupid? I mean is this really a question...Hmm should I get involved with this situation??Seriously!! If you can't figure out when you are being used then Princess you deserve what ever you get. Do you really need total strangers to tell you how duimb this is??
RioVonWolf RioVonWolf 4 years
He is still controlling!  This is nothing but a one way street.  Find a new sex friend!
GZO GZO 5 years
 @ChrissyLee Seriously! All I could think was, "WTF?!"
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
WTF?! I must have said this 20 times after reading your post.  All of this is wrong, and the fact that he's making you question if you're being unreasonable should show you that this is really not the right situation.    The whole idea behind FWB is that you are Friends.  Would you say these things to your friends?  It sounds like what he's looking for is a prostitute.  
inthearmsofsl33p inthearmsofsl33p 5 years
I would literally tell him to kiss my ass. You deserve so much better than this. This is really absurd, and I feel bad that you were in a relationship with him. He was obviously emotionally abusive and this is how you think you deserve to be treated, or that this is ok, and it's NOT.   Ignore him. There are plenty of men out there that you can have better sex with, because common decency will be involved, along with positive feelings. He is totally trying to use you.
Colleeninator Colleeninator 5 years
Give him YOUR list of rules:   -You are not allowed to contact me, only I am allowed to contact you. You can reply to me only with the information of if you are free. No small talk allowed. I don't care for it. -I would like to date and have sex with other men. If you see me anywhere I would want you to act like we are strangers. -This thing ends when I tell you it ends. I am the determinant of that. -There is to be no drama from you in anyway. If anything hurts or if you do not enjoy it. You will then need to man up.   The thing that bothers me most about this is that you feel the need to ask if you're being unreasonable for wanting not to be abused and treated like a sex doll.  It is NEVER unreasonable for you to want another person to treat you like a human being.  His whims and sexual desires are not your responsibility and you do NOT need to cater to him at the expense of your own comfort.  You are worth more than him.   Don't let people make you think that you're being unreasonable by looking out for yourself.  He is a scumbag and I suggest you avoid him at all costs, but more importantly, try to believe that you are a rational human being.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
holy god! Men like this exist? no words.
ajhphoto ajhphoto 5 years
how is this even a question?! tell him to hit the bricks! find someone who is going to take your feelings and emotions into consideration, FWB or not. good luck!
vanilla-and-pink vanilla-and-pink 5 years
There are plenty of guys out there that will be friends with benefits without that kind of abuse.  If all you want is sex, find someone who will be respectful.  
Silje Silje 5 years
This is very, very, VERY unreasonable on his part and you should not agree to this under any circumstance! I'm so glad that you two broke up!!   You are not being unreasonable for refusing to make yourself his sex doll that he can "stow away" whenever he pleases.  I'm all for friends with benefits, but there should be benefits for both parts. Also, a mutual understanding of "the rules", which should be about not hurting each other's feelings and what you are to expect from the other person, not his mentally abusing list of ways to disrespect you.    If you need good sex badly, try finding someone else who you can actually have a non-committed but healthy, sexy FWB-relationship with.  Also, there's a lot of nice stuff made of plastic and batteries if you can't find someone right now.    Best of luck with dumping the bastard for good! :D 
bluejay17 bluejay17 5 years
What an a**.. How can man say/do stuff like that? "Act like strangers?" My god, unbelievable. Please, respect yourself and do not let him use you. Do not encourage this kind of behavior. There are plenty of men that can be both nice and good in bed with you. He's not the only one. Lose the idiot. Do it for yourself.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
I totally agree with the other ladies. Invest in a good vibrator, it's a better investment that this guy.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
I should also mention two items that popped out at me about this list; a. He said he decides when it is over. That doesn't just mean he can walk away whenever he wants. It also means you ***can't***. He decides when it is over for you too. Scary! He's as good as told you he will go psycho on you at some point. b. I sense a sadomasochistic element to this sex list. He talked about you being required to put up with pain and things you don't enjoy. That's fairly rapey/sadistic sounding to me. (If maybe you're attracted to that kind of thing, it's not bad in and of itself. But you can't afford to play around with someone who thinks sexplay is real life. Only people who are pervy AND responsible about consent are safe to mess around with like that. There are guys who will happily degrade you just the way you ask them to and then take you out to a romantic dinner after. ) You don't have to settle for an un-self-aware guy who as much as TELLS you he intends to harm and abuse you in both body and spirit.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Compromising isn't his thing. That won't change. You have zero leverage with him to get your wants and needs met. Because he just doesn't care. You don't matter to him as a person with rights and real feelings just like his. So tell him he's free to share his list around to other women and try to find someone better suited to meet his needs. (lol and good luck to him on that! not) Arguing with him could open you up to abuse. So instead, fake your way out the door if you feel threatened. Tell him it's just too hard for you to do all that he requires and you are afraid you would wind up displeasing him all the time. So you don't even have the energy to try. Tell him he deserves to meet a more worthy woman who can make him happy. Then get the hell away and stay away from him with no contact. You must leave now, or find yourself five years later broken, scared, bruised, and feeling like you'll never do better. Right now you still realize you can do better. Over time with him you would forget that.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I'd tell him Eff-Off. The fact that he would even THINK you would agree to this shows a lot about your previous relationship. Do not EVEN go there.
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
Buy a vibrator...
henna-red henna-red 5 years
YUCK, YUCK,YUCK YUCK!!!!!!!! Block him, ignore him, put him out of your thoughts, out of your life and DON'T EVER GO BACK THERE AGAIN! YUCK. I wanted to say run, run, run, but that was wrong. This is the kind of bullying, ignorant, imbecilic a^&hole that you stand up to, draw a line in the sand, and push them back across. Delete, delete, delete! GOOD for you that you're ignoring him! Bravo!
BiWife BiWife 5 years
This is a no-brainer. The guy's being a douche on purpose, move on, forget him, block him online, delete his number, etc.
Serene18 Serene18 5 years
And it's almost as if he's saying "Yeah we're still together but I can have sex with other women while I'm with you." Sex is not a determining factor on any level.
Serene18 Serene18 5 years
This seems like the same story that was posted a few days ago about a man telling his ex that he can have sex with her whenever he wants... Are you that same poster? Look, surely you know that this is wrong. It is impossible not to. No, he cannot have his cake and eat it too. Y'all are not together but y'all should still have sex and he calls the shots??? That is wrong on soo many levels. He controlled you when y'all were together and he's controlling you now because he knows that he can because your let him. He obviously knows how you are because no man who knows a woman's self worth or knows to treat her with respect goes against that unless he already knows that she doesn't respect herself. Please move on, in the end you'll end up having regrets if you don't. He's taking you as a joke and you should stand up to him by loosing all contact. Not even on a friend level, its risky either way you look at it. You want people in your life who cares, loves, and respects you. He does not seem like a candidate in either of those categories.
lexib1994 lexib1994 5 years
Yeah, don't do it. It's disrespectful. Read yourself that list again. If he doesn't want to have sex with you YOU HAVE to give him a blowjob- when and wherever he pleases. Disgusting. You can never talk to him or contact him first. He DECIDES when it's over. Talk about a douchebag who just wants control and to feel like a man. With him having sex with other women- you have no idea if he's using protection. Therefore you can contract an std. Ignore this dickhead. Tell him eff off and that you deserve a better friends with benefit partner because honestly, he's a genuine douchebag. Actually, it's not even "friends" with benefits. It's more like you're a useless sex object he can stop all over. And make sure to hurt his ego because I personally want to myself but I can't. You'll find a more respectable person who won't set up such bullshit "rules."
randomish randomish 5 years
You are not being unreasonable at all. These "rules of engagement" are disturbing. You can't honestly tell me this is what you want for yourself? He is not the only man who can give you good sex. Don't stay for that reason alone. Go take a cold shower or go for a run if you get the urge to have sex with this person. Ugh. "If I don't desire to have sex and wish for you to give me a blowjob. You must do so. Where and when I tell you" --- I just can't even believe this is for real. There are plenty of other men out there who will treat with dignity and respect. This fellow you speak of here is NOT one of them. If you're NOT into humiliation, sexual repression, and emotional/physical abuse, run and don't ever look back. He is being completely forthcoming about what he is going to treat you like (and its not good). Take his brutal honesty as an opportunity to make an escape. Few women get this chance! Please please please don't give this situation another thought and move on with your life.
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