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Is Cyber-Sex Considered Cheating?

Dear Sugar
I am a lesbian who has been involved in a serious relationship for the past three years. Over the past two and a half months, I've been feeling really insecure and jealous when my girlfriend talks to other lesbians online or on the phone.

Recently I've noticed that she has been especially interested in this one girl. The things they write to each other are extremely sexual and inappropriate. When I approached her about the e-mails, she got angry because she thinks that I should mind my own business and stay off of her computer. It tears me up inside to know they talk to each other like this. Don't you agree that this is crossing a line? Devastated Davida

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Devastated Davida
Yes, I completely agree that she is crossing a line by e-mailing sexual notions to another woman. You are in a serious, committed relationship and she should know how badly she's hurting your feelings.

How would she feel if she happened to use your computer and noticed that you were having a dirty e-mail and phone relationship with another woman? Unfortunately, this is not an common occurrence nowadays which begs the question; Do you consider cyber-sex cheating?

I happen to be from the camp where I think if you are playing sexual mind games with someone other than your partner, it's cheating. It's insulting to your partner and it's bound to make them feel insecure sexually if you are seeking out sex from others (even if it's over e-mail or over the phone).

How can you be sure that they aren't arranging secret rendezvous and getting physical on the sly? Have they ever met and do they send each other photos, addresses, etc.?

Respect, trust and communication are imperative in a healthy and successful relationship. It doesn't sound like you have any of those things right now. Why should you trust anymore? She obviously doesn't respect you or your relationship if she's having external affairs and she's unwilling to talk to you about them and shutting you out isn't going to make you feel any better.

Now is a good time to have a long discussion about where your relationship is going. It's also a great time to introduce boundaries. If she won't comply, then say good-bye.

Join The Conversation
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
NUddy for the first time ever I am noticing that ur boobs bounce lmao
rkdub rkdub 10 years
If she is wanting some kind of sexual release or something, she should be seeing you, not looking for that release online through someone else....
Adriana42 Adriana42 10 years
of course it's cheating if you're not in an open relationship..I'd never want my boyfriend talking to other girls online or over the phone..
NuddyPants NuddyPants 10 years
Geesh i can't believe that you even had to write in about this!! I'd have dumped her ass straight out on the kerb. Stick by your guns lovey. Get a new woman. x x
BlackBarbie21 BlackBarbie21 10 years
it sure as hell is!
wynter wynter 10 years
Yes. Any kind of intimacy shared with anyone other than your partner is cheating. Anything that will cause your partner to hurt is wrong. It would make red flags pop up that you told her you're uncomfortable with it and she wouldn't stop. Any one who "loves" you should respect that you're uncomfortable and cool things off with the other person. I'm sorry she's putting you through this.
KimmiAnn KimmiAnn 10 years
Just because it's not physical, it's close enough. Sharing intimate moments with someone else is cheating! Red flag too, cheaters always try to project their guilt by placing blame on you. Your crazy...why would you say that? Are you cheating? It doesn't mean anything...if it didn't mean anything, why bother defending the behavior...why not just say..I'm sorry, now that I know that bothers you, I won't ever do it again. People who truly love you, don't repeat hurtful things. Believe in Magic!
eye173candy eye173candy 10 years
Dump her sorry bottom. Cheating is cheating. She crossed the line, then dismissed the fact that you are feeling extremly insecure. Did I mention how much I HATE CHEATERS? Live Much.Laugh Often.Love Always ♥
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Sweets ive been here. Its a private blogging tale but it is wrong of her and I do wish u the luck u need to get thru this. Hopefully it will be a matter u 2 can get by. I have gotten by it and things are great but it all lies in u whether u know she will no longer do it and whether u wont still be angery and hurt months down the road. I tell u this. IF U decide to stay and yall work this out, u have to let it go. IT will only tear u up in side more if u dont let it go 100% kisses and GL
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
i keep quoting a poster here (sorry don't remember who it was ) who's words on a bad relationship stuck with me: "wow, i guess we all know what we deserve". think about it.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
she sounds like a playa to me! you should dump her, get someone who wants only you...look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth being truely happy*
honey31 honey31 10 years
Yes it is cheating.Cheating does not neccarily have to be in contact with the person they are cheating on you with.its wrong and you have every right to feel upset.Id say move on there are plenty of fish in the sea.
sarahlynn sarahlynn 10 years
you can be physically or emotionally why not physically or emotionally cheated on? both are wrong, right? screw it, find someone that loves you enough to put all their sexual time and energy into only you.
Pinkperfectpixie Pinkperfectpixie 10 years
Cheating...yes! If you are consumed enough mentally to type out what you are going to do to each other, then you are cheating! I don't understand the whole cyber-sex really do not know who you are chatting with, what on earth would lead you to start doing something like this?? I think it is crazy and foul!
sweet-pea sweet-pea 10 years
I know I wouldn't like my significant other doing this to me, and he trusts me not to behave this way, either. I think that this is definitely cheating- if you have to keep it a secret, then it is probably not something that you should be doing.
Padraigin Padraigin 10 years
It's totally cheating. This goes beyond the normal "chatting" online that people do.
LisaK LisaK 10 years
yes it's cheating. If you look the other way you will never trust her and will always be suspicious of what she does
4cdawgs 4cdawgs 10 years
It is definitely cheating. When you involve yourself in sex with anyone other than your partner there is no other way to describe it other than cheating!
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
It's definitely cheating! I actually happen to agree with her that you shouldn't be snooping through her emails. BUT, you have discovered that shes cheating and she either needs to stop or you need to move on.
karmasabitch karmasabitch 10 years
This is a hot topic right now because so many people are getting online and chatting. My personal opinion is that if you're in a good solid relationship with someone, "cyber sex" and flirting are most definitely crossing the line. It's disrespectful and I always see the "well it's not real so it's not cheating" argument as a cop out and an excuse to mess around. If she loves you, then she shouldn't be doing something that is hurting you.. especially not if you've told her how you feel. Talk to her again and explain how much this means to you, and if she doesn't come around, I'd say you're better off trying to find someone that cares how you feel, and is interested in only you.
SailorMarie SailorMarie 10 years
I would say she has definitely crossed the line, move on girl!
Toronado Toronado 10 years
Hell, yeah. It's certainly not the precise definition of fidelity, in this case. She's not in intimate sexual relations with this online friend but it's quite obvious she's straying from her current relationship and I think it'd be in your best interest to move on. Find someone who'll stay committed to you, not toss you aside like crumpled paper whenever she feels like it.
audreystar audreystar 10 years
perfectly natural to be upset.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
I say dump her! why are you supposed to keep quiet and mind "your own business"..she's part of the relationship and as an UNION your business is her business and her business is yours....isn't SHARING what a committed relationship is about??? If you weren't lesbian would it be acceptable for your guy??? I didn't think so.... Have the talk and if you don't get what you want...MOVE ON!
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