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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: How Do Women Peak Without Penetration?

DEARSUGAR and Discouraged Dara need your help. She and her fiancé are saving themselves for marriage but they would still like to have satisfying foreplay until the big day. The problem is that they are getting increasingly frustrated that she is unable to achieve orgasm.

I know you gals love this juicy sex topic so help her out. What are some ways they can learn to please her? This couple is under enough pressure already with a wedding in the near future. Sex should be fun and all about experimentation in its early stages. Share your tricks with her.

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I are waiting until we are married to have actual intercourse, but we would still like to please each other in bed. We are able to make him climax relatively easily, however, I still have never been able to reach orgasm.

I am a virgin and I don't experiment on myself. It's not that I am ashamed to, I guess I just never felt comfortable enough with my body. My fiancé loves me and I can tell that he is beginning to get upset trying to do anything he can to give me my first orgasm.

We have never performed oral sex on each other since I feel that it constitutes as sex. What are your feelings on this? Also, is it possible that I just can't climax without penetration? Am I a lost cause until we get married or is there some other way that we haven't thought of? Discouraged Dara

AC AC 10 years
Penetration alone has never made me orgasm. Its all about oral. If he's going to play with you with his fingers make sure his fingers stay lubricated while rubbing on you otherwise it just gets uncomfortable. It took me a long time to learn how to orgasm... you will figure it out. Sometimes tensing up my body would get me there... like... bracing myself ... i know that sounds weird as most people tell you to relax. but pushing on the headboard or tensing my legs up while he did something i really liked would send me over the edge.
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
:rotfl: tootiefruity, hahaha
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
In what country do you live? :o
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 10 years
vibrators are illegal?
sugar_bear sugar_bear 10 years
lol My Opinion had me cracking up! Vibrators are illegal in my county, so I bought a portable neck massager! :)
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
vibrator....and if you're too embarrassed to buy one, then go to a retail store and buy a handheld massage type thing..and then go home and place that sucker on your tootiefruity and TOTALLY relax and get it out of your brain that 'dang...I can't cum!!' and you WILL.....
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
lol, thanks katie. ...i'm not sure how she thinks she's going to go there. i mean, they're not doing oral, she doesn't feel comfortable with her body enough to experiment and it sounds like she's hyping up her wedding night to the point where it isn't going to be what she expects it to be...good luck. like valerie and katie, i think that they're definitely already intimate. virginity is just a technicality right now.
katie225 katie225 10 years
omg, bluejeanie, you just made me laugh so hard! anywho, i agree with val. there's no logic behind the "waiting but not waiting." the ban on premarital sex is meant to be so that you're only intimate inside of marriage. i think you're breaking that, you're being very intimate. unless you're not doing it for religious reasons....
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
the rabbit.
getstinko getstinko 10 years
you have some great recommendations from women who know more about this than i do (as a man). But I do want to put this out there and it is a something my wife and I talk about all the time. Sex is not just for men. Women need to take responsibility for their orgasms. There's not a man on this planet who wouldn't spend all his resources and time to figure out how to have an orgasm, if he hadn't already. My wife could only have a clitoral orgasm until recently - for years I told her there was a different, internal/g-spot orgasm and the entire time she said I was crazy. We continued to work at it and now she can't believe she only settled for clitoral. Do not settle for less, hold men to a performance standard so you can get what is rightly yours. And forget the toys, figure out how to make your man work for you - he wants to
findblancomeow findblancomeow 10 years
I agree with Valerie... if you are wanting *him* to bring you to orgasm, what exactly is the point of waiting? hand jobs don't count as sex but bj's do? i know i probably sound like a b*tch but i just don't get the logic there... it's totally honorable to want to wait, but if that's what you want to do.... why don't you just wait? that being said, trying that hard to peak is kind of like the watched pot that doesn't boil... you're just going to stress yourself out. is your fiance a virgin too? some guys really just don't know what to do down there if you don't tell them, instead of gently stroking your clit and building intensity as you go, they'll just start poking away like a jackhammer or something. try not to focus on "is this going to make me come?" and just think about "how does this feel right now?" and like the ladies before me have said, it's really key to get comfortable with yourself. if you don't already, try sleeping naked... you will get used to your own nakedness and that might let you feel more comfortable beginning to experiement. most guys need more direction to get you there than they are willing to admit, and it's definitely helpful if you have learned things that you like or don't like. one of my guy friends likened sex with a girl who doesn't tell him anything to do to "going out to dinner with a girl... you don't know what kind of food she likes, what she'd like to try, or what she's allergic to... but she wants you to order for her." lol it's kind of a silly analogy but i think it works! wise words.
Lindsb Lindsb 10 years
I commend you for waiting until marriage! Good job. I would highly suggest your experimenting on your own (with or without toys). I understand that it may be difficult considering you have never done it before and are not very in tune with your sexuality. But - START! This will actually make you FEEL more sexy..which can only bring good things. I can't have an orgasm unless there is penetration. Believe me - I have tried a lot. I think that's just the way the cookie crumbles for some people.. But this doesn't mean we're lost causes!! If you experiment with yourself - I think this will also make your Wedding night much more enjoyable, too.
Vannuccia Vannuccia 10 years
Relax and think of the first stages of tantric sex, i.e. focusing on each other/facing each other, start with stroking and build up to mutual masturbation. But like someone else said, you may not be able to climax without full penetration, but don't let that put you off. Relaxation is key- maybe you could plan a weekend away together?
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
I get that the both of you are getting frustrated because you haven't been able to peak yet. But maybe, you should try not to focus on the orgasm that much. I know, easier said than done, but try to relax and enjoy the experience. Even without a climax, sex can be a WHOLE lotta fun!
Cycy Cycy 10 years
I don't get it. Waiting til marriage but petting heavily. Anyways, I'm not one to pass judgement, to each his/her own. Now to the problem at hand. You might be one of the few women (about 16 percent of all women, me included) that climax vaginally and enjoy that better than clitorial orgasms. In that case you just have to wait til marriage then.
robynlouise84 robynlouise84 10 years
I agree with Val. Seems kind of pointless to wait for "insertion" if you are already busy rolling around naked and exchanging fluids.
Stacy14878746 Stacy14878746 10 years
Congrats... You'd be best off testing out for yourself what works for you, then you can show him. How can you tell someone how to drive the car if you don't know how yourself? Also, if buying sex toys creeps you out, just get a nondescript 'back massager wand' or something like that at the local CVS. They were even selling little hand-held portable massagers for your 'shoulders' (sure, wink, wink) this Christmas in cool colors. You just need the vibration action, not necessarily something phallic-shaped. Good luck and have fun!!
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
they "please each other in bed". it's all over but the shoutin, lol. i'm old school and naked in bed with the guy getting "pleasured" is pretty darn intimate. but reasonable minds can disagree :) 2007?
3Sweeties 3Sweeties 10 years
That was supposed to say why CAN'T she have the cake. oops!
3Sweeties 3Sweeties 10 years
I have to disagree with you on this Val. From what she has written, they haven't done anything more than touch. I think it is commendable that they want to wait for marriage to do the most intimate things. And we ALL know that guys are able to climax a lot easier than most women, so why can she have the cake?
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
so you want to have your cake and eat it too huh? what's the point of waiting? as it stands your wedding day will be the day he penetrated you. doesn't really sound like much of a hold out or much of a memory. you've already been intimate which is what the whole "waiting till marriage" thing is supposed to signify. seriously, penis enters vagina is a technicality at this point. 2007?
KimmiAnn KimmiAnn 10 years
Don't be afraid of toys! They have some fantastic ones that are called "bullets" and they vibrate. Placed on the clitoris they can vibrate you right on into Orgasmic Wonderland! To die would be an awfully big adventure! Peter Pan
nicachica nicachica 10 years
i agree! and make sure your man doesn't bite you when he does oral sex on you, even if he does it lightly. it hurts like a mofo! (i had to train my man on this one and he has improved vastly)
Twitters Twitters 10 years
First things first, Congrats on your engagement!! :-D Now secondly, if you worry to much about not peaking, then that's going to get in the way of actually having an orgasm. Honestly, sexual experiences (wether involving intercourse or not) is all about the journey. Relax, and enjoy. The best way to enjoy the journey is to get comfortable with your own body, the more you obsess over the little things and worry, the less you enjoy the experience. Once you're comfortable, you'll be able to feel more clearly what you like, what you really like, and what leaves you saying "megh, not for me". ~Also, if you're waiting for marriage also on oral, then pay no heed to this, but oral is a gift from the heavens. I don't peak with intercourse, there are a lot of women with the same complaint, but oral will get you there almost every time.~
3Sweeties 3Sweeties 10 years
Sometimes it takes awhile to figure out how to climax. But for real girl, don't be scared to try it out alone. That is how many women learn what they like and don't like. Nekosan's got it- its all about the clit for most of us. Sometimes a little bit of minty lubrication helps out too. And they make little vibes that are meant for the clit only. (I went to one of those naughty toy parties) And remember, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT!
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