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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: Long Distance Love Is Easier Said Than Done

DEARSUGAR and Sleepless Selena need your help. Her boyfriend sounds pretty apathetic toward her, but is she using her ex to fill a void in her current relationship? I wonder why they broke up in the first place if he's so special to her?

Dear Sugar
I have dated my current boyfriend for almost two years. So far this is the most committed relationship I've ever been in as well as the most emotionally draining. We've had some extreme ups and downs, but overall it's been worth the bumpy ride.

Recently my boyfriend accepted a job in a city over six hours away and he hasn't made it specifically clear he wants me to join him. We had talked about it informally before he applied for jobs but never in a serious way. Now that he's been gone (about two months) I've seen him once and he barely calls. I feel like I am the only one who is trying to keep things together.

He says he wants to stay together, but I don't even feel like he's trying. To make things even more complicated, I've been interviewing for a job out of state and my boyfriend barely seems to care. What bothers me the most is that the city I could possibly be moving to is where my ex lives.

Ever since our breakup he and I have remained friends and we've been talking a lot more since I've been considering moving there. I have to say that it's been pretty amazing having him back in my life again. We connect well and I feel like we really care about each other. I actually feel like a priority to him which has made me realize how little I might mean to my current boyfriend.

I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, but it seems like I don't even have one anymore. Is it wrong to want to cut my losses before I get hurt even more? I wonder if moving away and focusing on my career will help me more in the long run than staying in a dying relationship for too long. Please help. Sleepless Selena

Join The Conversation
_Sylvie_ _Sylvie_ 10 years
yes, long distance realtionships are really tough. I have a boyfriend, and he lives in US when I live in Portugal (Europe). I love him, and we both think that we will end up together, and, honeslty, I hope so. as Mme Hart said, when you are in a long distance relationship, you'll have a lot of troubles in the way. In my case, my parents don't agree with it (but understand), my friends (some of them) think it is dangerous, people don't understand, when you go out with your friends you'll feel like a 3rd wheel, but most of all, being alone at night, missing him, thinking about him, wishing to be with him, etc... It is really hard, but in the end, it is worth it. ^^ Our (my and my boyfriend's) "Story" is really beautiful, a lot of people, who know me well, love my "love story". (I won't tell, lol, too big.. :p ) On june of next year, he's comming to Portugal, to meet my parents, my friends and to be with me. I can't wait!! He's having a hard time, with money and his family. I'd love to go to US, as if it was a vacation, but my parents wouldn't let me go, I understand, I may be 18 years old, but my bf is a complete stranger to them. So, they agreed to let him stay at our home. ^^ Anyway, I just think, that if it is worth it, fight for it. How do you know if it is worth it? You'll just know. If he's your strength, your will, your future.. you'll feel it! ;) Good luck!
Fancy04 Fancy04 10 years
Long distance relationships are tough.
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
I think you are feeling soft for your ex because he is being attentive when your boyfriend isn't, and you are vulnerable and lonely and needing to be loved right now. DO NOT make career choices for a boyfriend. If two GREAT jobs that you wanted equally came along, and one was where your boyfriend was and one was somewhere else, I would say OBVIOUSLY go to where your boyfriend is. But don't put your career in jeopardy so you can see how things work out. YOU WILL REGRET IT. If you want to work on things with the boyfriend, I think you need to be very clear with him that you are feeling disconnected, and you are wondering how you can be more connected. Scheduled calls? More frequent trips?? Love letters??? Men often like problems to solve, and if you put it to him like that - "I feel disconnected and disengaged from our relationship because of the limited communication we are having - can we talk about how we can improve that, since our connection and friendship and love is very important to me?" - he should respond positively. If he doesn't, it probably means he isn't interested in continuing the relationship and doesn't have the guts to tell you. But don't keep asking him what's wrong - it will drive him crazy. If you DO move to the city where the ex is, hang out and see what happens, but don't take a job there unless it really is the right job for you. GOOD LUCK!!
vbpce vbpce 10 years
I'd say the major problem is that you are thinking about your ex when things are going through a rough patch with your current boyfriend. the biggest mistake was that you two didn't fully address what you were going to do when he moved away (before he left). you need to have that conversation now, and then you'll know for sure how much you should be committing. Don't accept the job in another town because of your ex, the chances of that working out the way it does in your mind are super-slim. As someone who did long distance for a year (1 year out of our three) it can work, but you need to hash out how you plan on making it work!
Kratsina Kratsina 10 years
Maybe it's because I'm in a grumpy mood today, but seems to me that your current relationship is over and neither of you wants to be the one to say so. If you didn't really think so, you wouldn't be trolling your ex, even if he is a built in tour guide in the city you might move to. Of course he's going to dance attendance on you. If he's nice enough now, when you move there you'll be a ready made booty call. Like someone else said, you broke up with him for a reason. Long distance relationships CAN work. They just take dedication and if either you or him is unwilling to put in the effort, it's already over. Which it seems that way because he's closing the lanes of communication, which is essential to maintaining a LDR. Even if he's stressed, tired, or just unsure he can still call you for a few minutes every couple days, same with you. But from what you say, that's not happening so...
Jinx Jinx 10 years
Definately layla, if he's starting to be in contact less and less, its probably its not in the cards. But I'm not so sure the ex is the answer either. There's more than two men in this world! lol ~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)
LaylaCams LaylaCams 10 years
meant to BE
LaylaCams LaylaCams 10 years
You are right Jinx, it doesn't, but I personally think if you can not make it through the distance it wasn't meant to .
Jinx Jinx 10 years
Absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.
Megan37 Megan37 10 years
Long distance relationships are tricky but can work out if you both put in the work. I agree with hazeleyes. Go visit and find out if he's willing to put in the effort. If you can't visit you need to find a time to have a serious conversation with your guy. Set aside a chunk of time to talk to him when you both are not busy or preoccupied with something else. Long distance relationships have their ups and downs and take a lot of work. Be careful about getting back with your ex. I know for me personally I always went back to my ex when I was feeling down, alone, or homesick for my family and friends. Because we were together for so long going back felt comfortable and safe. He gave me the attention and security that I craved and made me feel wanted. Eventually, when I didn't feel alone anymore I realized that I didn't really want him I just wanted someone and he was the easiest and quickest way for me to feel wanted and secure. It sounds like you might be doing something similar. Are you feeling things for your ex because you're feeling rejected by your current boyfriend? If things were going well in your relationship would you still be considering your feelings for him? Make sure you figure out your feelings before ditching your current guy.
theotherhalfofme theotherhalfofme 10 years
For myself, I am kinda afraid of long distance relationships, but I have friends who work it really well. I don't know if there is a secret to it. It requires a lot of work and maybe I am afraid to be hurt in the end, if it doesn't work out. Funny is that, even thoug I am afraid of long distance I often meet guys who are from the isles, I have no idea why.
Mme-Hart Mme-Hart 10 years
Awwwwwwwww thanks BeachBarbie!!! I never thought that I'd end up in an LDR, but once I was there and knew this was the guy I was supposed to meet, every single obstacle was worth it!! :love:
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
Mme Hart, I love your story...very romantic, and following your heart for true :LOVE: !! I'm so happy for both of you! :) I've got a friend in a long distance relationship, and everything is going great! They have been through some difficult times but, everything is working out perfectly! :)
Mme-Hart Mme-Hart 10 years
Wow! I never know what to say when people complain about Long Distance Relationships. My husband and I met whilst he was living in France and I was in Canada. We both had careers, futures, friends, family, all the comforts of a happy life established--but unfortunately they were established 9000 kilometres apart. Sure it was tough and heres a short list of what I hated: -going out with friends who were in relationships and being the 3rd wheel -sleeping alone -a 6 hour time zone difference which meant if I didn't talk to him before 5pm my time, he'd be off to sleep and we'd be onto another day of figuring out our schedules -having people give you that look like "oh sure you have a wonderful boyfriend who happens to live in Paris" -having to make an effort to understand each others' totally separate lives -and so on.... But, in the end, now that it has worked out and we got married and I uprooted to Paris for him and for us, I can't even imagine having ditched that relationship because it was hard sometimes. I would have lost the biggest love of my life if I'd done that...
hazel_eyes_smile hazel_eyes_smile 10 years
First off, I think you need to cut your current guy some slack. He's moved to a far away city, to a new environment, a new job, and I'm sure he's stressed out about it. Maybe he's just as worried that the long distance relationship won't work, and he's pushing YOU away so he won't get hurt, either. Maybe he's just not interested any more. Maybe he's afraid that you've met someone new in his absence. Maybe he's afraid that if he asks you to move, you'll say no. There are lots and lots of reasons for his behaviour. You can't assume you know what he's thinking and feeling without asking him what he's thinking and feeling. Drive down there and find out. Two years is a long time, and you owe it to him to make the effort. Go talk to him. Sort out this relationship before you even begin another with your ex. Before you run back into your ex's arms, remind yourself why he's an ex. Are those reasons still there? Has he really changed? Have YOU really changed enough to get back together with him? Good luck! I hope that either way, you find happiness.
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