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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: My Husband Doesn't Want Me To Attend My Ex's Wedding

DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: My Husband Doesn't Want Me To Attend My Ex's Wedding

DEARSUGAR and Torn Torrance need your help. Her husband won't go with her to her ex's wedding and doesn't want her to go either. He wants to put an end to this relationship once and for all. What should she do?

Dear Sugar
I was invited to my ex-boyfriend's wedding and my husband doesn't want me to go. My ex and I dated for five years and even though we broke up three and a half years ago, he thinks that our relationship is silly and it bothers him that we are still friendly and are involved in each other's lives.

In his opinion, he feels that not going to the wedding is the perfect way to close the chapter on this relationship for good. He's not opposed to sending a card and a small gift with the regretful R.S.V.P., but he definitely won't go with me. He feels that now that we are both married the friendship borders on disrespectful.

He also thinks that it makes my ex's fiancee just as uncomfortable as it makes him. What should I do? Should I respect my husband, send a nice gift and respectfully decline the invitation? Or should I go stag because I still value our friendship and there will be old time mutual friends of ours attending that I am looking forward to seeing? Torn Torrance

Join The Conversation
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
Hmm...It appears that this "friendship" has ALWAYS bothered your husband and he thinks that it bothers your ex, too... Are you sure you don't still have feelings for your ex? or do you act different in his presence? Maybe your husband see changes in your behaviour and he feels embarresed/annoyed and has noticed the same on you ex. My bf has an ex that he's still friends with but he wants to spend as less time possible with her because her attitude changes...and she has a bf, too. She goes back to the "together" days. Touchy, feely, extra friendly and extra concerned....too much for just a friend.
MandiMark1 MandiMark1 10 years
i think you should respect your husband's wishes. think about it, do you really want to watch your ex walk down the aisle with someone else, and you're just going to be sitting there alone? can't be a good feeling. and who knows anything about your ex's fiancee? she either agreed to invite you bc she likes you or she's got some plan to rub it in your face (we don't know).. will you have to explain your husband's absence at the wedding and then argue with him when you get home? don't go. meet your ex for coffee after the honeymoon or something when things are back to normal.
Beautifulbarbie Beautifulbarbie 10 years
I wouldn't want to go.
sofi sofi 10 years
Everyone has their quirks and insecurities- so what. Your husband obviously feels strongly about it and was upfront with you- good for him. Respect him- his feelings should be way more important than the ex's . You were with this guy for 5 years and only broke up 3 1/2 years ago? Your relationship with the ex was longer than what you have with your husband- who wouldn't be a little insecure. It doesn't help the situation if you keep bringing it up. Talk to your husband- tell him you'll respect him about the wedding. Maybe after some time he wouldn't mind you keeping in touch every once in a while.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
sweet c. yep. she ruined a plant last time she was there. we got a phone call on the way home (90 minute drive) about how she ruined the plant and how that was their favorite plant, blah, blah, blah. seriously, they spent more time talking about the plant they loved (and what a tragedy it was) then her diagnosis of autism. the next time we were scheduled to go up there the dad calls dh a couple of days before and said "if i give you $100 for a baby sitter will you leave jenna home. she ruins every ones christmas and frankly we don't want her in our house anymore after what went on last time". STUNNED dh, really he was totally shocked because up to that point their insulting comments had been directed to only me and then when i would relay them to him they would say i took it out of context or just flat lie and say they never said that.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I am friends with most of my ex's and make it very clear that they are people that will always be in my life so if you can't deal with it don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out!
Toronado Toronado 10 years
For God's sake, it's your EX. Your husband is 100% justified in his disapproval of your attendance at this wedding. Would you be okay with him showing up at one of HIS ex's weddings? I sure as hell wouldn't. That part of his life is the past. YES, you should respect your husband. Stay home.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
Celsou: I feel I should explain what you quoted me on. I am in a realtionship now that, I do whatever I want, with my boyf's blessings, and he with mine. Although we tell each other what we are doing, we don't ask permission. If something comes up that I am uncomfortable with or he with me, we talk about the reasons why. Usually if we deicde not too do something based off of this conversation I am okay with, and so is he, due to the mutual respect we have for each other. Sorry I thought that was normal. I'm all in.
SWEET-C9363 SWEET-C9363 10 years
val, are you tellin me that jenna is not allowed in her grandparents house?
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
sounds like your husband is a pretty insecure guy. if you've never cheated on him or anything then i think he's just being silly. has your husband ever hung out with your ex/friend? my husband is good friends with an old fling, i used to be jealous and now she's one of my good friends. we go on double dates all the time now. i'd talk to him and let him know that you really want to see old friends, celebrate love and you'd want him to be your date (i think going stag would be a bad idea). if he still wants to act like a big baby then don't go but i'd go out for lunch with my friend and give the gift in person.
Regular_Lady Regular_Lady 10 years
I can see it both ways... I think Nonny Mouse was spot on with saying, {paraphrase} "'s not unreasonable for a spouse to discontinue close and chummy relations with previous partners..." My husband had an old girlfriend that would pop up every now and again out of nowhere. I wasn't jealous, I wasn't suspicious, but I couldn't help but wonder, "what EXACTLY do you want, lady?" She apparently had some real need to keep in touch with former boyfriends (there were many) so that led to my feelings of befuddlement. Eventually, I made it pretty clear (in a pregnancy related hormonal rant) that I didn't feel it was my job to just pretend I was o.k. with some slut wanting to see us (him) whenever she had the whim. For some people, like me, I have always thought: We broke up for a reason: because I didn't want you in my life anymore.
tina_marie tina_marie 10 years
Did the Ex attend your wedding? I definitely think that you should not go to his wedding if your husband has an issue with it. You will be with your husband a lot longer than friends with your ex (hopefully)
ethiopian_princess ethiopian_princess 10 years
I think you should discuss this with your husband. Ask him why he's really opposed to your going and your relationship. I'm friends with my exes and it ends at that. Some people don't understand what the point is. Just because you lose a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to lose a friend. Since both you and your ex saw it fit to stay friends and have both clearly moved on, the jealously is completely unwarranted. I know that I'd be hurt if I couldn't go to my friends' wedding. Unlike some people, I don't feel like you have to give up part of your life for your man. He should have enough trust and faith in your relationship to go with you. If you let this go, this jealousy and desire to control your actions will manifest itself later on. Might as well deal with it now.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
interesting that this comes up now. i have an ex that i would like to get in touch with (really in touch with his family) and my dh and bff are totally opposed. i broke it off with this guy, but absolutely adored his family and actually stayed with him an extra year because i couldn't stand the thought of not having them as my in laws. anyway, all of you who read me know how awful my in laws are (especially to my disabled daughter who isn't allowed in their home) and about every other christmas it comes up as to whether i should send them a christmas card just to say "hi" and i really valued our relationship and hope things are going well for you. the verdict this year from my bff was again "NO", but actually thinking of not mentioning it to dh (hello, doesn't 10 years of marriage and 3 kids say i made my choice) and sending his parents a card. i wouldn't care if there had been an ex girlfriend or 2 at our wedding, but dh wouldn't dream of me inviting any of my previous boyfriends. i think it says something about a person who is (or isn't) friends with the people they were previously involved with. you loved them once and they helped you become who you are today.
SWEET-C9363 SWEET-C9363 10 years
i had an ex at my wedding at my hub dindt care
celsou celsou 10 years
"Not only will he be happy, but will see it isn't that big of a deal to you...although it is, you don't want it to become the beginning of a wedge that becomes inextractible from your relationship." This will make an even larger wedge in the relationship - lying about how you feel to make him feel better. You need to be honest about how this demand of his effects you emotionally, not hide it for him. It will make things hard now, but it will make things better in the long run. I cant say whether you should or should not go (it depends how strongly you each feel), but you definitely need to talk to him.
celsou celsou 10 years
Wow, so you are not allowed to have your own life or personality once you get married? Then count me out. Yes, you took a vow and promised to respect your husband when you married him. But guess what, he did the same. I wouldnt go without talking with him, nor would I just surrender this without a fight. He definitely seems insecure about your relationship, and that is a much larger problem then simply permission to go to this event. Is he going to make you give up all your personal time? Talk with him about that, explain that he is the most important man in your life and that you would like his trust in this. This actually seems like a situation where he SHOULD go to the marriage - then he can see that your relationship with your ex is a healthy friendship (which so rarely happens - good for you for staying cordial and friendly with him) and nothing more. But your life is still yours, too. If your Ex is an important friend to you, talk with your husband and try to get him to loosen up and trust you to go to this wedding. This a crack in your marriage that can only get larger if it isnt dealt with now.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
I say listen to hubby. Although there are worse things you could be doing with your ex, maybe your hubby is feeling insecure. I say make up a feasible excuse for not going to the wedding, and plan something special for you and your husband to do. Not only will he be happy, but will see it isn't that big of a deal to you...although it is, you don't want it to become the beginning of a wedge that becomes inextractible from your relationship.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
if it means that much to your hubby-then just send a nice gift. I think that you can maintain a polite relationship with the ex-like Christmas cards-etc but you are with your hubby and that is where your future is. Value both of these people-but you must value your hubby and his opinions more.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 10 years
"Should I respect my husband. . .?" Unequivocally, yes. "Or should I go stag because I still value our friendship. . .?" If you value your ex's friendship more than you cherish your hubby's friendship and companionship, then yes. (But, if this is the case -- and i'm guessing it is *not* -- then you should probably reconsider the value of your marriage.) It is NOT unreasonable for a spouse to expect his (or her) beloved to discontinue especially close and chummy relations with previous serious partners. (Each half of the couplehood should have willingness to do this, and have compassion for the feelings of the other half.) The math here is simple: You were with your Ex for five years -- and though you broke up three and a half years ago, the two of you sustained a friendship ever since. You have been married for. . .how long? (Certainly less than three and a half years, I would guess -- and you have definitely been in a relationship with your hubby less than five years altogether.) Your husband should be your best friend and most valued companion; no other person should take precedence before him. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable once your relationship with him eclipses and supercedes (in a measure of years spent) your previous relationship with Mr. Ex. (Yes, I know, I know -- the two of you are *married* and the Ex was only a "boyfriend", but sometimes only Time can compete fairly with time. . .especially when that time was spent in the arms of another person.) But it doesn't sound like this is a new issue for the two of you. From what you've written, Hubby seems to have felt discomfort with this continuation of friendship and wanted you to discontinue your attachment to Ex for -- how long? My question for you is this: Why has it taken you so long to consider putting your hubby's request for respect and consideration above your own desire to keep "just a friend"? If Ex is "just a friend" (and from what you write, it seems there are no lingering romantic feelings), why in the world would you place an average friendship as having greater importance than the amount of disquiet and emotional unrest that your hubby has suffered because of it? And if Ex is more than just any friend, and the two of you are closer and mean more to each other than regular old friends, Hubby should have insisted a LONG time ago (before marrying you) that he, himself, should be your most special friend, and that you should forsake other friendships with former lovers that still retain special intimacy (even if the intimacy is not sexual). (Of course, the same should absolutely be expected of your husband.) I assume the forsaking of others (not only sexually, but in any way that threatens the intimacy and health of your coupledom) was part of your marriage vows. Just because you aren't having sex with Ex and don't have romantic feelings for him doesn't mean that it isn't damaging your marriage -- and what's more important: your friendship with Ex or your marriage? In my own opinion, a more suitable question for you to have asked would be as follows: "Should I continue to disrespect my husband's wishes and keep hanging out with my former serious lover (in a totally friendly and non-sexual way, as I have been), OR should I have compassion for my hubby's pain and discomfort, and finally show respect for him and his marital wishes by publically and privately placing him above all former Exes by ending an unnecessary super-friendly aquaintance with a former Beau?" I say, send the card or you may soon need your ex's friendship more than ever, 'cause Hubby sounds nearly fed-up (and with good reason). JMO ~non
la_clique la_clique 10 years
Please. Is this a real question? If your HUSBAND doesn't want you to go to the wedding of your EX. Don't. Go. You said it in your question. Respect.
SaRaH-22 SaRaH-22 10 years
Look at it like this...would you want your husband to go to his long term ex-girlfrinds wedding??
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
I do agree with cuba, had she had a problem with it you would so not be invited. But I still stand with what I said, if your hubby has a problem that is all that should matter he should not have to persuade you to not go by making things up. Maybe you need to talk to him about why he feels so strongly. He is obviously insecure and you should work on everyway you can to make him feel better -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
Disagree. I don't think there is any lack of respect and if his finace doesn't have a problem with it then I think there is no reason you shouldn't go. How does your husband know if she really has a problem with it? Did he call and ask her. If she had a problem with it trust me she would have thrown a huge fit when it came time for the invites to go out. Did you lead your husband to believe it would at some in point in time end the friendship?
honey31 honey31 10 years
Put your self in his shoes.What if it was the other way around?
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