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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: Pregnant and Confused

DEARSUGAR and Slipshod Sandy need your help. She and her new boyfriend used birth control however she is now pregnant and a fairly young age. She is both excited and scared about the baby, but she's not sure about the guy. Has anyone ever been in her shoes that can give her some advice?

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been dating for the past three months. We have been having sex and it appears that I am now pregnant. I am 18 years old and he is only 20 and he's already got three other children of his own.

I love him, but we've only known each other for three months to take such a huge step together and have a baby. The problem is that we used a condom but I guess that it broke. I am both panicked and scared at the same time and I don't know what to do about talking to him. I think I want the baby, but I am not so sure that I want him to be in my life forever. What should I do? Slipshod Sandy


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<3-Gossip <3-Gossip 10 years
You have the choice to keep the baby. You two having a child together doesn't necessarily mean that you have to spend your whole lives together. However, you should give him the option to be in the babys life. Goodluck with your decision.
gorgesgirl gorgesgirl 10 years
I had to respond to this because something similar happened to me earlier this I'm 22 years old and 29 weeks pregnant, mostly happy and excited, but also a little scared. So, this is one of the hardest decisions you will ever make, and it definitely has life-long consequences. If the thought of getting rid of the baby leaves you an emotional wreck, consider how keeping the baby makes you feel now. If it stops the tears, it might be a better solution. Your circumstances are unique and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into a decision; no-one has to live with it like you do, not even your boyfriend. Realise that either way, your life won't be exactly the same. If you choose to abort, it will go back to almost normal, but hopefully with waaaaay more planning and birth control. If you choose to carry it to term, even to give the kid up for adoption, the process of pregnancy (and birth, which i haven't experienced yet) will change you physically, emotionally, and mentally. Open adoption, where you maintain a level of involvement with the adoptive family and the child you share, could offer a good life to your baby. Having a life grow inside of you is a magical and powerful experience, at least so far. Keeping the baby and keeping the boyfriend are not dependent on each other. My boyfriend/father of the kid and I don't have a great relationship, I don't know if we'll be together forever, or even short-term. I know he will be a good father, and that's another important consideration: your boy already has 3 kids, so scrutinize his parenting skills. Good luck and remember that the only "wrong" decision is the one you can't live with.
lolak lolak 10 years
This is sad. I know several woman who have had abortions and they all cry about it which really annoys me, I mean what do you want to hear form me? that I'm sorry for you...why? Like every one in here says "It was YOUR choice" deal with it and stop telling people how sad you are. No one can tell anyone what to do, Make your own choice and live with it. I can only give you one piece of advice ONE and that's to think it long and hard VERY VERY VERY long and hard, cause this is not deciding what color underwear to wear, this will change your life for ever, no matter which choice you pick. From the moment you find out your pregnant it has already changed. Good luck Sandy and I hope you chose what's best for YOU.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
This isn't going to be an easy choice to make. Having an abortion is not an easy solution to a problem. I have a friend who had one 3 years ago and she still cries about it all the time. Being a single mother will not be easy either from now on your life will revolve around that baby's needs and life. If you decide to keep the baby you won't be the first or last 18 year old to become a mom. Think of your future and your baby's. Prepare yourself with a career and strive for success. Everything will work out but you'll have to become a mature adult and be strong. GL and you'll be just fine you sound like a very smart young lady.
justjaime27 justjaime27 10 years
Casimira, I give you credit...all of you who have gone through this, I can't imagine it myself, how hard a time it would be to find this out and not know what to do. I give all of the women out there credit, no matter what decisions were made, because no matter WHICH way you choose (any of the 3), it's hard, and affects your life forever. So to those who have been through it or those who are going through it, you're all in my prayers, hang in there! :)
Casimira Casimira 10 years
Please be aware that some Planned Parenthood clinics are not all they are cracked up to be. I have had experience with a few in my life and some of them are as biased as crisis pregnancy centers but in the opposite direction. I'm not trying to tell Sandy what to do. I told her my story and told her some of the questions I asked myself when I was in her situation. If you've never been in this situation, it's pretty harsh to be yelling at those who have. Walk a mile in our shoes and then come back and tell us what it's like.
Kickassita Kickassita 10 years
Would you people stop telling her to have the baby? It's not a toy.She is only 18! She needs to live HER life, fulfull HER dreams and goals...or else she will forever resent him and the kid for ruining her chances in life.When you have a child you enter a life altering relationship based mostly on focusing your attention on the child. How can she do that when she is as young as she is? I 'm not saying it cannot be done, I'm just saying it is MUCH harder. This child is going to be dependent on you for THE REST OF ITS LIFE!. Your just 18 average for women is 68 just had childhood, a bit of teens and you want to jump in montherhood already? You will miss out on all the fun. It will be a fulfulling great relationship..but you can have that later too!! Think about it...this is your age...the one time you get to live for yourself, decide over yourself and where you can be selfish without harming. Be at peace with yourself..have something sorted out before you bring somone else in it. It's YOUR life...your choice...and these -until the late 20's- are the BEST years of your life,when you're young, unstopable, and beautiful. You get to decide,you know what's right inside...but just think of everything...
justjaime27 justjaime27 10 years
It's really really easy for everyone to tell you what they THINK you should do. Keep in mind, we're all just trying to help you...but in the end, it is YOUR decision. Whether you choose abortion, adoption, or to keep the baby, is up to YOU. I think you should get some info and read up on your options to help you decide. Also, why not join a local but private support group, maybe you could talk to other people who have gone through the same thing. Here are some questions that may help you decide... -How will I support myself and my child? -How much support can I expect from my family and friends? -Am I willing to put off school to raise a child? -Are there alternative schools that are especially for teen mothers that I could attend? -Is this really the right time for me to be a parent? Here is something I found in an online article, that in my opinion, is VERY GOOD ADVICE: "But be wary of where you go (to get help/info). There are a number of centers and hotlines that advertise they deal specifically with "crisis pregnancy." While they do want to help you, they might also be giving you biased information or may not be informing you of all the choices actually available to you. Some will even use scare and pressure tactics to force you into making the decision they want you to make. Remember, only you know what is the right choice for you. If there is a Planned Parenthood clinic nearby, you can book yourself an appointment with a trained counselor who will give you unbiased, unpressured information and answer any questions you may have. They can also provide you with phone numbers for adoption agencies and abortion clinics." The website also talked about open/closed adoptions. You may want to do a google search, and read up on that as well...I found it quite interesting! :) Best of luck to you...hang in there, no matter what choice you make, just make sure it is what YOU want to do. I'll keep you in my prayers! :)
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
your baby has a voice..........shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and listen!
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
Have the baby girl, it'll be okay. You could be totin' the next president or superstar or just plain out amazing boy or girl!!!
katie225 katie225 10 years
i agree, blondie! it's her choice. but just in case it's too late to have an abortion, adoption is always an alternative. this story just shows that you should use birth control pills in addition to condoms. or if the condom breaks, plan b! there are so many ways to prevent an unwanted baby in america and condoms, the pill, plan b, abortion, and adoption (as well as abstinence, the only 100% way of avoiding pregnancy) are all ways of doing it! sandy, think long and hard about what you're going to do. ultimately, it is your choice, but remember that you have so much more living to do. no, you don't have to go out to bars and drink in order to live it up, but you should find yourself and your independence first. there's always abortion, and there's always adoption (which my friend said wasn't really that hard to do!).
Blondie82 Blondie82 10 years
For all of you who say you CAN'T have an abortion....YOU CAN! It is a women's right to choice what happens to HER body! No one can tell you what to do except yourself. I have been in your position before and I chose what was best for me and my future and chose not to keep the baby. Boo at me if you will, all of you pro-lifers....but ultimately, it is the women's's her body. Good luck :)
andmydayisrad andmydayisrad 10 years
girl you dont need him. I thought I was pregnant one time too, and I wasnt, but it is still a really scary experience. Dont have an abortion. I know someone who had one, and you sound like you are in the same prediciment she was in. She didnt think she could afford it, and thought she didnt need a baby, but now she really regrets it. and I promise you, if you are getting excited about having a baby, you dont want to do that. and what if you have other children one day? how could you look at those kids and know that you should have one more there laughing and growing up with them? and you dont have to marry the guy. I know there are a lot of girls out there who put up with a lot of shit from guys just because they think they have to. He has three kids and hes only 20. and they all probably have different moms, my exboyfriend was like that, and if your situation and your man is anything like my ex you would be better to run far far away from that dude. I will pray for you ok?
Casimira Casimira 10 years
Hi Sandy, I was in a situation very similar to yours almost 13 years ago. My boyfriend-at-the-time (he was also the first guy with whom I had intercourse) and I had been dating for 8 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I had just turned 20 and was a sophomore in college. There were two things that made it very easy for me to keep my baby: 1) I had a lot of support from my mom (after her initial shock) and 2) I had a lot of support from my boyfriend. At the time he was kind of directionless in his life--he had just dropped out of college and wasn't sure what he was going to do next. Finding out I was pregnant really motivated him, though. He got two jobs and started working really hard to get his credit cards paid off. Eventually he got a job working at an auto factory, and while he ultimately decided it wasn't his lifetime job, he stayed there long enough to finish college (they paid for most of it) and now he is an engineer. We got married and had 2 more kids. This isn't totally a Hallmark movie--we're having a lot of problems right now, but this is your dearsugar and not mine. :) There were some bad things that went along with it. I lost touch with a lot of my friends, especially after they turned 21 and started going to the bars and stuff like that. My daughter was born three weeks before I turned 21 and other than my 21st birthday I didn't set foot in a bar until I was probably 25 or 26. Finishing school was very difficult and I graduated with a lot of student loan debt. Finally, my father and I had a falling out after he told me he was going to send me abortion money after I had told him I was considering keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption. We only spoke four or five more times in six years in a very strained way before he passed away unexpectedly. You can do it with or without the support but it is much harder without the support. I have a friend who is going through this with very limited help from her family and it is very hard for her. Here are some questions you might ask yourself: How involved is your boyfriend with his other children? Do you think he is a good father? How does he get along with his ex? Will your family help? What do you want to do with your life, and what resources are available to help you get there? If you gave your baby up for adoption, would you want it to be more open or a closed situation? These are all questions that at least working on the answers to will help you make your decision. Ultimately it is your decision and I will hope and pray for you. I would encourage you to take care of yourself and the baby until you decide what you want to do by going to a OB/GYN. If you would like to talk more just drop me an email. Good luck and God Bless!
Elevenhounds Elevenhounds 10 years
Two wrongs don't make a right. You don't HAVE to marry this guy just because you got pregnant. It would be better for the child if you never marry him than if you divorce him later. Divorce is very hard on children. If you decide not to raise your child PLEASE consider adoption over abortion. There are soooo many childless couples out there who dream of having a child.
2714bayarea 2714bayarea 10 years
dunno abt using this space to tell someone exactly what to do, kittycat. especially something as big & complicated & life-altering as this decision will be (a child without a father, or with a bad one; the very real struggles of young motherhood, for the mother and the child; or the private burden of an abortion). it's a lot for anyone to imagine and weigh, much less an 18 year old. being responsible means a lot of things, and i think it's great that sandy came here seeking help & advice, but we must also respect that she will finally need to search her own heart and make her own choice -- as a legitimate form of personal responsibility. she can only learn from this experience or find meaning in it not from following instructions but from coming to her own decision and living bravely with it. sandy, you're question was about your boyfriend: in most states, if you leave his name off the birth certificate as the father, it will make it harder for him to establish rights, tho not impossible; he can still seek parental responsibility rights through the courts. planned parenthood will know the laws in your state. do consider, too, that a day could come when your child might want him around, so there's that angle on the whole thing. there's an awful lot to think about, sandy. good luck to you.
kittycat kittycat 10 years
have the baby. do not get an abortion! ask for his support. you should have known that you have a great chance of getting pregnant when u came into this relationship. the guy is 20 and 3 kids? shows his responsibility. well since u can't undo your mistake, have the baby, get support wherever and from whomever you can. you're fine. learn from your mistake and make the most of it. be strong and confident.
katie225 katie225 10 years
i had a friend go through the exact same thing recently. she got pregnant while on the depo shot, and this was during a difficult time in her life. her boyfriend got arrested and sent to jail for drugs (dealing, i think?). she had just gotten out of rehab and began getting her life back on track. i'm so proud of her for everything she's done to get clean and move on from this idiot! well, because she was on depo, she didn't realize she was pregnant until it was too late to have the big A. she was just 20 years old and still lived with her mom. she wanted to finish college and start her own business. she thought long and hard and decided that she would give the baby up for adoption because 1) she was 20, 2) she did NOT want to have this guy as the father of her baby, and 3) she had so much more she wanted to do with her life. the baby, a girl, now lives with a nice couple who tried for many years to get pregnant and couldn't have a child of their own. she feels so great about what she did and honestly didn't have any trouble giving the baby away. you do NOT want this guy as the father of your children! listen to your gut and give the baby up or have an abortion. yeah, sure, you could support the baby yourself, but is that what's best for the child? nope. babies need a loving, stable home.
SeptemberLights SeptemberLights 10 years
he sounds like a K-FED to me! Im not saying weather or not you should have the baby or not. but someone who already has 3 kids by the age of 20 sounds ridiculous to me! how much do you think he would be able to care for and support this baby with you? what is his realtionship like with his other children? Have you considerd all your options? if abortion isnt something you want, then maybe adoption? if you couldent give the baby up- is it something your parents would help you with? Have you thought about just NOT telling him? what type of resources do you have to raise a child? have you thought about how it will impact your other life goals? You have some very difficult choices to make and i hope you can talk to someone who can help. i highly recommend planned parenthood, they are very compassionate and OBJECTIVE. you dont even have to go into an office you can just call them over the phone. GOOD LUCK! We want the best for ya!
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
You need to come to terms with the fact that if you keep the baby, he IS going to be in your life forever. That doesn't mean you HAVE to stay together, it just means that you have to get along and have common goals for the life of your child, and agree to work together as partners. Think about being a single parent. Decide if this is something you can do on your own, without any help from anyone. If it is, good for you. If additionally, you can maintain a good relationship with the father, even if not a romantic one, even better. If you decide this is NOT something you could do on your own if you had to, think long and hard about how you will feel 20 years from now about having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption. For some people, one of these options is the right choice. Forget about other people's ideas about morality - try to think about your feelings, and only what your inner voice tells you. You WILL make the right decision.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Sweetie you can more then have this baby on your own. regaurdless of what anyone says when it comes to being mom you will know in ur heart what steps to take. If you feel you dont want need or think hes not a good thing to have in the both of ur lives break it off. It is your choice. GL and Congrats
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
think about it good and hard because it's a choice that will affect the rest of your life. if you want someone who will listen to you with an open heart, i suggest the nurses at planned parenthood. they can point you in the direction that you need to go whether or not you chose to keep the baby and keep the man. if you want to keep it and need some funds, they can help you find a non-profit that will help out with diapers, baby clothes, etc.
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