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DEARSUGAR NEEDS YOUR HELP: The Taboo Of Open Relationships

DEARSUGAR and Wild Child Chastity need your help. She is in a monogamous marriage and is hoping that her husband will come around to the idea of having an open relationship. She misses the exciting and casualness of sex and would like to get that back. How do you feel about this?

Dear Sugar
I am a 29 year old woman who recently got married. I love my husband dearly and we have been together for five years. I have never strayed, and I would never want to break his trust or do anything to hurt him, but I am starting to understand why affairs happen so frequently in marriages.

It's not like I am looking for love or even a new friend, but what's wrong with being able to have safe, yet exciting sex with multiple partners? I've proposed the idea of an open marriage with my husband and he was shocked and confused. Of course I would want to establish mutual boundaries and rules, but so far he hasn't come around to the idea.

I don't understand why. Sex is supposed to be fun and interesting. With my husband we make wonderful and passionate love, but I'd like to have different experiences once in a while without hurting him, of course. Does anyone understand what I am feeling? Wild Child Chastity

Join The Conversation
beplayful beplayful 10 years
"Hi", Again, Wild Child Chasity, I just came across this ABC News website article ( )and thought it may be of further interest to you. ============================================================= Are Open Marriages More Successful Than Traditional Couplings? A New Generation Tries Swinging, but Leaves the Leisure Suits in the Closet By RUSSELL GOLDMAN Aug. 10, 2007— To many, "open marriage" is a phrase so laden with 1970s nostalgia that the idea can't be considered without imagining its practitioners leering at each other across shag-carpeted conversation pits, their chest hair spilling out of maroon polyester leisure suits. While many of today's adherents are aging swingers from the old school, a new generation -- well organized and committed to legitimizing a lifestyle -- continues to push traditional notions of marital fidelity by having sex with people other than their spouses. But do marriages -- fragile institutions traditionally built on the fidelity and sexual intimacy of two people -- work when the doors of the bedroom are thrown wide open? "That's like asking if monogamy works," Deborah Anapol, a psychologist and author of "Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits" told ABC "Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. It depends almost entirely on the people involved and their willingness to tell the truth and do the work." "Polyamory," which literally means "many loves" is a new name for an old practice. "There were a few studies on open marriage in the early '60s and '70s, but the phenomenon seemed to die out and it was just called cheating after that," said William Doherty, a professor of sociology at the University of Minnesota. "It resurfaced as polyamory, and some groups have imbued it with a spiritual side. They see it as a pathway to personal development. They see it as a high road; it's not cheating, it's growing their relationship," he said. In 1972, George and Nena O'Neill published "Open Marriage: Love Without Limits," the first book to define the practice and counsel couples on how to grow their own relationships by creating friendships and sexual relationships with other people. Ten years later, acclaimed journalist Gay Talese would publish "Thy Neighbor's Wife," an experiential look at American sexual mores between the sexual revolution and the AIDS epidemic. In the book, Talese describes operating a massage parlor in New York City, attending nudist camps and having an extramarital affair. Though Talese told ABC that his 50-year marriage to his wife, book editor Nan Talese, was not open, the popularity of "Thy Neighbor's Wife" led many Americans to re-evaluate long held ideas about sexual morality, obscenity and fidelity. Do Open Marriages Work? It is difficult to determine just how many married people are involved in open marriages. A study from the 1980s suggested it could be as many as 6 percent of all couples, but most experts believe that number is excessively high. "At least 95 percent of married and cohabitating Americans expect sexual exclusivity," said Judy Treas, a sociology professor at the University of California at Irvine. As for the success of open marriages, "there have been no scientific evaluations of how well open marriages work," Treas said. "The jury is still out." Despite the small niche, there is a thriving industry built around the polyamorous. Self-help books, specialized marriage counselors, and retreats, which include everything from courses in Eastern philosophy to the chance to hook up with strangers, are targeted at people in open marriages. Traditional marriage counselors typically tell polyamorous couples who are having problems with their marriage that it is the sex with other people that is causing their problems, but therapists like Dossie Easton who co-wrote"The Ethical Slut," disagreed. Easton said polyamorous marriages were no more or less successful than monogamous marriages, but at least the polyamorous were never surprised to learn their spouse was cheating. She said openly married couples saw her "for the same problems that traditional therapists deal with. Only traditional therapists tell polyamorous couples if they gave up being polyamorous, then they'd be happy." Problems, she said, occur when spouses have different ideas about how polyamory should work. "Sometimes one wants to have sex with strangers, and the other wants more meaningful relationships outside the marriage. Others want to join groups of likeminded people, [which] I call pods or constellations, where sometimes child-rearing responsibilities are shared." The biggest challenge polyamorous couples seem to face is jealousy. A whole chapter of "Open Marriage," the first polyamorous handbook is devoted to managing feelings of jealousy. "Jealousy is inevitable just like anger is inevitable. All couples get jealous often for no good reason, but jealousy can be managed. If people are emotionally intelligent they work to manage their jealousy," Anapol said. Polyamory, Polygamy and Friends With Benefits Open marriage differs from polygamy in that it is legal, except in those states with extremely rigid anti-adultery laws. Unlike polygamy, in an open marriage both spouses agree to allow each other to have extramarital affairs and relationships can extend to people outside of a formally bound group. In the open marriages of the 1970s, couples would often set rigid rules about whom they would allow to engage in sex with their partners. Couples would meet in sex clubs or private parties and swap partners. These relationships were almost always purely sexual, and temporary lovers were rarely introduced to spouses. Contemporary practitioners of polyamory have changed the rules, and in many cases thrown them out all together, said Dossie Easton. According to Easton, polyamory is as much a reflection of changes in '70s-style open marriages as it is a reflection of broad changes in attitudes about casual sex. "There has been a real change in attitudes," Easton said. "We used to make a huge notion that if you picked up someone at a singles bar and didn't want to marry them in the morning you shambled out of their house." "Nowaday, we have all kinds of open sexual connections with people that we call friends that we are not auditioning for marriage ============================================================= Take care...
beplayful beplayful 10 years
"Hi" Wild Child Chasity, After extensive mutual soul-searching and personal research, many marital couples that consent to have an open marriage do so under the belief that their relationship is strong and secure enough to avoid the pitfalls of a non-exclusive arrangement. Often they feel that total honesty, acceptance, and communication can make such an open relationship work – and in many such unconventional marriages they do. However, the captivating erotic appeal and highly sensuous relationships with others can sometimes unexpectedly bring on the destructive forces of jealousy, selfishness, and mistrust that possibly may threaten the primary relationship with a spouse. However, by clearly understanding how these harmful influences can develop and occur, and moreover, by continuing to build on the love and trust on which they had originally built their life together, couples can successfully overcome such damaging forces through determination and commitment to their marriage. Having a non-exclusive relationship is very seductive and liberating, and if good choices are made selecting first-rate people as outside partners (sexual playmates), often beneficially brings on the experience of catharsis, growth, and other positive changes to one's life in having such playful outside encounters and sexual experiences. For your further understanding, the following insightful information below may be of further help to you… =================================================================== What Is An "Open Marriage" In its widest meaning and usage, an open marriage is a marital relationship where both married partners agree to allow various kinds of sexual relationships for one or both outside the marriage, without regarding this as sexual infidelity. Often this may include "dating" activities without both partners automatically being present or sexually involved. The new term originated and achieved certain popularity with the 1972 publication of the book "Open Marriage" by Nena and George O'Neill that sold more than 1.5 million copies. The majority of the book subject matter is on non-controversial approaches to revitalizing marriage in areas of communication, trust, role flexibility, identity, and equality, but chapter 16 - "Love Without Jealousy" - was focused on the intriguing proposition that an open marriage could beneficially include some forms of sexuality with outside partners. To the expressed regret of the authors, it was this chapter's unique dynamic concepts which have remained in the cultural consciousness a generation later. Yet by then the open marriage idea and term had already gained a life of its own where today many married couples are avidly and happily engage in this liberating sexual lifestyle. These days with many committed couples not immediately choosing or wanting formal marriage, but desire such sexual liberties within their own mutual partnership, the new synonymous term presently being used for both married and committed couples is open relationship. Moreover this latest term for the concept of being sexually open versus closed also applies to triads and other groups larger than two. Open relationships are sometimes considered as a kind of polyamory (involvement in loving relationships, of a sexual kind, with more than one person), but regarded broader in concept than polyamory by including sexual play outside the context of loving relationships. Be that as it may, naturally there is much potential for overlap. There is difference of opinion as to whether marital or committed couples involved in swinging are in open relationships. Swinging involves sex with one or more persons within a particular group context. While swingers may "swap" or exchange partners, they usually do not have dates and sex with others entirely separate from their partner who is close by. However, quite the opposite is true for those in an open marriage (open relationship) where typically there are outside activities (such as dating, etc.) separate from the spouse or committed partner. Again, there is a natural propensity for many to overlap sexual concepts and involvement in other sexual lifestyle communities. Lifestyle's Expectations While the arrangements for each open marriage (open relationship) are defined by the individuals involved, they usually tend to have particular expectations such as: • Other relationships or sexual activities are supplements or enhancements to the marriage, not replacements for anything in the marriage. • There is honest and open communication between the primary couple about what is allowable and what is not - and a trust that both partners will abide by those expectations. • There is mutual consent from both partners to the type of open marriage chosen. • The nature of an open marriage, along with the rules that could apply to it (see below), often changes over time as each person and their relationships grow or change, or to adapt to new circumstances that arise. Sometimes in this type of relationship only one spouse has "permission" to have sexual encounters with others, while the other partner is expected to remain monogamous (sexually exclusive). The monogamous spouse may be indifferent to their partner's experiences with others, or may derive sexual satisfaction from watching, hearing, or simply being aware of them. In other open relationships egalitarian rules for both partners are a crucial component. In certain societies, such as Nepal, this practice is somewhat socially acceptable. In the United States, as well as Western Europe, however, the practice, is much more controversial and generally socially not accepted Considering Emotional Issues Like other relationships, including "normal" marriages, open relationships are subject to emotional stresses and inter-personal issues. Those who have attempted open marriages often say it either brings the couple closer together on many levels and strengthens the marriage and the trust, friendship, and respect for each other, or leads to jealousy and damages the marriage. Those both successful and unsuccessful, often refer to the challenges of 'NRE' ("New Relationship Energy") that can be confused with love for a third party and damage the marriage. There is the potential of many emotional pitfalls for couples who experiment with open marriage, as well as many potential benefits for those who are successful. In cases where this type of experimentation is meant to "fix" a marriage, or either partner is emotionally or morally unable to, the potential for a negative outcome increases. For those who claim success in open marriages, the reported benefits commonly include a deeper emotional connection with their partner, a more enduring trust, and/or a deeper sexual satisfaction for both partners. Outsiders, or even some who practice egalitarian open relationships, may have difficulty understanding how a monogamous husband, for example, could benefit from letting his wife date, build emotional bonds with, and have sex with other men. Husbands involved report an "near primal" urge to engage in these activities, and often the more skilled the spouse's lover is, or the more intense the "New Relationship Energy" is, the more it heightens the husband's experience, even if this temporarily relegates him to a subservient or lower position than the wife's new lover. Mutual Tenets And Agreements Some couples involved in open marriages or relationships adopt a set of "rules" or "agreements" to guide their amenable activities. These rules are individualistic and often change over time. Such agreements, and more importantly the process of negotiating them, can help people to consider and anticipate what behavior to expect from their partners and what intentions they have for themselves. This is intended both to reduce the uncertainty that can breed jealousy, insecurity and resentment, and to focus the commitments that continue between the couple even while the convention of sexual monogamy is modified. These agreements attempt to allow partners to explore new territory without doing something disastrous to the primary relationship. Some example elements which might be included in such relationship agreements are described below; a given agreement might include any or all of these elements (in the forms given or modified, or even reversed), or many others. There is no one correct set of agreements, as the needs of each individual and each relationship vary considerably, and tend to evolve with time and experience. • Our marriage and family always comes first, (or) We will not harm the quality of our existing relationship, (or) Our individual freedom to grow and explore must not be unduly constrained. • We will always inform each other prior to any outside activity, (or) We will attempt to inform the other partner first if possible and as soon as possible afterwards if not, (or) We will inform our partner of our general practices but not about specific people or times or places. • It is enough to keep the other partner informed of all activity, (or) We will not proceed without explicit prior agreement from the other partner. • The other partner must meet any new person first, (or) The other partner can eventually meet all people that might be involved, should they want to. • The other partner has a right of veto any relationship or activity at any time, (or) The other partner may inhibit further development of a relationship but any "rollbacks" of existing relationships need to be individually negotiated. • We will only be involved with people who fully disclose the relationships and activities to their own spouses or committed partners, (or) We will encourage but not require others with whom we are involved to have open relationships with their other partners, if any. • We will always use agreed upon safer sex practices until and unless our regular partner agrees to specific exceptions, (or) We will trust each other to be appropriately careful about sexual safety without details. • We will not cancel plans that we have together to be with someone else, (or) We will not neglect our partner to be with someone else unless the spouse agrees. • We will continue to meet each other's sexual needs as well, (or) Each partner is responsible for their own sexual needs. • We are allowed to omit specific details except as needed for full disclosure for safer sex decisions. • We will not disclose these activities to other friends without mutual consent, or We are each free to share about these experiences within our own judgment of appropriateness and safety. • We will not use this against each other in any fights or arguments later down the road. • We will engage in sexual activities only together with both of us present, (or) We may engage sexually with others alone or together. • We will return home to sleep after each encounter, (or) We will accept overnight visits by prior negotiation. • We will not compare anything that has gone on with the other person to anything that goes on between us. We can pick up pointers of new things to try with each other from the outside source but not in a harmful way. • We will not hide or minimize emotional connections forming with other people, (or) We will not form strong emotional attachments unless and until our existing partner forms their own friendship and connection as well. • We will promptly disclose and discuss any breaches to these agreements in order to remain in integrity with each other and avoid building walls of shame and hiding. • We will honestly discuss any concerns or feelings that arise and which affect our closeness or safety with each other. • We will reconsider any of these agreements if experience shows that they are not serving our ultimate purposes =================================================================== I hope this information is useful and that it helps. Take care... J.C.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
We werent being mean we only gave our honest opinion which is what was asked for. Being mean would have been ur going to hell or some shiz of that sort. If you dont want advice dont write to DS. Madeofchocolate: Myadvice is dont come to sites that offend you esp if you arent going to read it all. It blantantly states she wants to and he doesnt and she wants to change his mind thats wrong in our opinion. Its sad that so many problems get started because people dont want to read all of it but comment on it all. -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
madeofchocolate, people like to be mean on the internet, that's just how things are. i don't think it's right either, it makes me sad to see how vicious people can be. they have the right to say whatever they want but i think it's been interpreted to mean "i can be as mean as i want to and you can't stop me". unfortunately, tact and kindness are not as prevalent on the sweet sugar sites as i think they should be. if someone is having a bad day, it's easy to write something cruel to someone they don't know and will never meet. if someone has frustrations or is unhappy, judging other people harshly and using cruel words must be a way to feel better. i have no idea why else someone would do it. peace
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
angelbaby2, I just read your comment 11/12/06 6:55 pm. I completely agree with everything you said, and I would handle my friend the same way. Made of Chocolate, I don't want you to feel like your being ganged up on at all so, I really hope you don't take it that way. I just wanted to point out that, angelbaby2's comment is the truth. This site is, for the most part extremely supportive, and when someone asks a question, she is opening herself up to peoples opinions, and it is up to her to weigh the options...just like angelbaby2 said.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
la_clique, I agree with you..if the husband was into it, then fine. Everybody, is different..and, to each his own. But, Wild Child's husband isn't into this life style, therein lies the problem. Can you even imagine if your husband or wife, asked you this question? I would feel like...who did I marry! I would also, feel like, I want out fast (and, I'm a FIRM believer on doing whatever it takes, to make a marriage work..intense couples counseling, separate counseling, etc.) I feel sorry for her husband.
la_clique la_clique 10 years
MadeofChocolate, I'm sorry you feel THIS site is too harsh. Obviously you need to go somewhere else, maybe Anyone who writes in to DearSugar knows that the advice will be public and commented on. I reread the comments and think that the prevailing comment is that swinging isn't a popular choice, but if both parties are interested it is ok. Wild Child wants to swing, her husband DOES NOT. This is not a good match, and it is something that should have been discussed before marriage. The commenters on this site take the sanctity of marriage very seriously, sorry if that offends you.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
made of chocolate: this person asked for advice and people responded by how they think-again it is their opinion-a lot of the posts are very supportive. When someone asks a question like this one-she is going to have to be prepared for all types of responses. She will have to have thick skin because this is a loaded subject. I don't believe in swinging for couples but one of my friends has an open relationship with her husband. I don't condone it but I am still friends with her and think that if it makes her happy-then it is none of my business. I don't give my opinion unless she asks for it. I think that the person who wrote the original post is going to have to weigh what people have said and make her own decision. That is why she asked us.
MadeofChocolate MadeofChocolate 10 years
Oh, that's right, that's why I don't come to this site anymore. Heavens. The woman hasn't done anything wrong. She's been honest, communicated, and not acted impulsively. The fact that most of the people here feel free to condemn her for having the feelings she does, or for thinking a little differently than they do, is really depressing. Marriage is for the people IN IT to define. Some people have some submissive-wife-and-dominant-husband ideal of marriage. Do you want them telling you you aren't allowed to come up with your own way of living with the person you love? What if two people want to get married but neither of them is interested in having sex, ever, with each other or anyone else? Are they up for judgment and condemnation too? Why aren't they allowed to live their own lives? I've known people in open marriages. They were great, fun people with dynamic, lasting marriages. I've also known people with open relationships that were shipwrecks. The bottom line is, they aren't hurting you by working out how to live their own lives. If her husband feels comfortable trying something someday, okay. Her bringing it up is NOT some sort of cardinal sin. You are free to decide marriage means not only fidelity but wearing matching hats every day if you want. That's your marriage. This is hers. Stretch your mind. The sheer, vicious judgmental nature of the comments on this site has driven me away again. See you when next I forget.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Omg I think I understood herbie. NYC good advice. -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
herbiefrog herbiefrog 10 years
hey babe sounds like you should keep it to yourself maybe... ...with some people ...not everything ...can be shared or you could just stay together and be the faithful stepford wifey and just settle for thaht divoirce in almost no time [and to everyone else] [what planet are you living on?]
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
sorry, for *not* expressing yourself sooner...
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
Wow, this is definitely the #1 in non-supportive posts of all the DearSugar columns I've read. You don't sound like you've been married for very long, despite having a relationship of 5 yrs total. Are you sure you aren't getting a delayed case of 'cold feet'? After I got engaged, I panicked-- what about the dating I'm going to miss out on? The men I will never have sex with? Oh no! But really, my dear, it should be oh yes! You've found someone to love you for the rest of your life, someone to share your life with. And you know there is so much more to life than sex. If casual sex was so important to you, I think you would have realized that in your years prior to getting married. If you did, then shame on you for expressing yourself sooner or finding someone else with similar values. You could just be over-reacting to the routine and realization that HE is IT, and you need to start mentally associating "marriage" as positive. Good luck, and hopefully you will be able to figure things out before doing something rash that might jeopardize your marriage (and hurt your husband).
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 10 years
1) Your poor husband! You are MARRIED. If marriage to you doesn't include being faithful to your spouse, then you aren't ready for marriage. 2) If you did do this sort of thing, would you really take every partner to the doctor to make sure they have no STDs? If you get one, your husband gets one, and everyone else your with gets one, and everyone your husband is with gets one, and if you ever have kids, they'll have them. It's DEADLY.
pumpkinpiespice pumpkinpiespice 10 years
It's amazing how small minded people can be, but not really surprising, coming from a website based on superficiality. I think it's wonderful that Chastity had the courage to open up to her husband. A lot of women would have kept it to themselves and either cheated, left or become unhappy because of an inability to share true feelings. This is exactly what a marriage needs to survive. I'm guessing that once Mr. Chastity has a chance to get used to the idea, it might appeal to him. I honestly don't know a lot of men who wouldn't be at least a little curious. As long as he's not pressured, he might just come around on his own. If and when that happens, 'swinging' should not be taken lightly. Each participant's feelings must be taken in to account and catered to. Inviting others into a marriage can be fulfilling for all involved but can also go wrong if selfish desires get in the way of personal feelings.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
If you want "interesting sex" with other people GET A DIVORCE! and sleep around. If your man doesn't want you sleep with others and you're in a "comitted" relationship I don't see how you can ignore his feelings...why are you married in the first place!
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
No means no. and yea Im still stuck on what if you get pregnant haha Im lame I know. -------------------- -------------------- Secret Santa Guidelines are up Check them out and double check your on my list!
pinkhearted pinkhearted 10 years
This is absolutely horrible. Sex is as fun and as interesting as you make it to be. Instead of immediately looking for someone else, why don't you just new things with each other instead. Open relationships is something you get into before your married. Marriage is a step you take when you're ready to commit yourself to one person. You can't have your cake and eat it too. If this rut is all it takes to have you looking somewhere else, maybe you should reevaluate your relationship. -- "A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman, and loose enough to prove you're a lady." --Edith Head
gracey gracey 10 years
LOL and you've only been married for 5 years! I hope you haven't any children.
Rainey Rainey 10 years
Don't do'll be playing with fire. We tried to tell our friends not to join a swingers club, but they had to find out on their own. They went ahead with it, even meeting up with people on their holiday in Bermuda (with their kids along) (nice eh? :( ) Their marriage broke up and they are now with other people. Their kids are not doing well because of it. She didn't want to work it out and he was left looking for someone else. It was sad and devastating for him especially. It was really hard to bite our tongues so we wouldn't say we tried to warn you. What started out as curiosity and a "hot new idea" turned into a marriage break up and was traumatic for the kids.
kushiel kushiel 10 years
Wild Child, As we know, women reach their sexual maturity later than men. Currently, you must be feeling it more than ever. These biological impulses are normal, and do not change the fact that you truly do love your husband--and it is understandable that you might be a bit "bored" at this point. It seems to me that you have also realized that, sometimes, sex is just that: sex. Not a committment to someone else, not an engagement for life. Sometimes, people just do it because it feels good. However, you may want to ask yourself, in the first place, if you are truly satisfied in all other areas of your marriage, or if there might be something that isn't quite working as you'd like it to. If that isn't the case, and because your husband is not open to the idea, you may have to try to spice things up within your relationship. It appears to me that you are more open to sex in general than he is--you may want to try exploring different things together, like watching adult movies (ones which do not portray women in derogatory ways). Do keep in mind at all times that a relationship is delicate, and that you run certain risks if he does welcome the idea. He could end up falling for someone else, and STDs are always an issue. If this marriage really is something you want to maintain, I suggest you try to liven up your sex life with him first.
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I don't see the problem with it at all! I actually have some friends that got married 2 months after we graduated from HS they have been married for 18 years and have an open marriage. They talked about it 4 years into their marriage and decided to pursue that area of their sex lives together. They are still married and much more happily then my friends that are in monogamous marriages I might add! Do what is right for you and your husband at least you had the balls to go to him instead of going behind his back like a majority of people do!
anonymouswvgal anonymouswvgal 10 years
Swinging is not something that a majority of people approve of. Even if they did, they probably wouldn't admit it. My suggestion is perhaps start slow with your hubby. Maybe ask about including another woman into the mix. Let him feel like he has control of the situation. Swinging is not a disease and you can remain happily married and STD free if you practice safe sex and control your own situations. I would strongly suggest that you and your husband visit a web site called adultfriendfinder, it will have others in your area that are looking for the same. Goodluck with your adventure.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
what's with the name calling and judgement here? i thought that was saved for celebrities?
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
it sounds like you're stuck in a routine and you're missing the crazy excitement of being with someone new, so why not try stuff you guys haven't done before? sex outdoors (the idea of getting caught can be thrilling), submission and domination, having another couple watch or watching another couple, and there are tons of crazy toys out there if you simply must have another, um, shape and size to play with. i heard that the internet is full of useful information on this matter, lol, perhaps you should check it out! monogamy can be hot. :p good luck!
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