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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: The Dating Game

DEARSUGAR and Trying Hard Hallie need your help. She is getting back into dating again but she isn't sure just how long she should go out with a guy who is nice, and fun, but that she doesn't feel any chemistry with. All of you dating experts out do you feel about this?

Dear Sugar
While I was busy studying hard in college for my B.A. and my Masters, I stayed away from dating. I primarily focused on school and am finally graduating with honors later this month. Now that I am close to finishing, I have a ton more free time than I am used to.

I've been going out more and I've asked friends to set me up so that I can start dating. I've been saying yes to everyone and have been trying to have a positive attitude about it. Since I am always game for meeting new people and enjoy new food or activities, I have been on some adventurous and fun dates, but I really haven't felt any genuine sparks with anybody.

Is there a rule about how many dates you should continue to go on with someone if there is no connection? I am meeting lots of great guys that there is nothing wrong with, but I am just not getting butterflies from any of them. Do you have any suggestions for me? Trying Hard Hallie

Join The Conversation
medicgirl medicgirl 10 years
I feel your pain girl!! I agree about giving it at least 3 dates. It's tough out there weeding through the crap to get a great guy, but they are out there...somewhere!
Marci Marci 10 years
I'm with popgoestheworld. Three dates.
kittycat kittycat 10 years
yeah i used to go for the bad guys cuz they were more fun and trouble. but they are not for keeps sake. it took me a while to get to know my other half, even as friends cuz he is this totally nice overall polite religious gentleman who everybody adores. good thing i realized he's a keeper, and have since kept him for myself. LOL.
Cycy Cycy 10 years
I agree with cgmaetc, totally. I too didn't feel the sparks and the chemistry instantly the first few weeks I knew my boyfriend. That's mostly coz I was hooked on bad guys, and their drama. He on the other hand is the gentleman type and really nice and kind overall. I just couldn't see it happening til I got real and saw that he is what i need. But sometimes you know instantly if there's no chemistry at all. And if there's no possibility. Give it a few more dates, I'd suggest.
Bonne Bonne 10 years
Oh, same here Hallie. I basically think that I could start to care for someone with a long term relationship. If you communicate well and have fun, then keep dating him. If he keeps asking, he must see something he likes...
ADKpersephone ADKpersephone 10 years
Consider dating girls and women. You never know, and it increases your chances of finding love by 100%. ADKpersephone
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
Bravo for going out on dates with lots of different guys! Dating is about *dating*: figuring out what you like/dislike and do/do not want in a mate. I think all to often women go into dating looking for their "perfect match" when you should be focusing on getting to know someone and having fun. Now, I think "butterflies" are overrated. Add "fireworks", "sparks" and "love at first sight" to that list. If you are keeping these dates PG/PG-13, there is nothing wrong with continuing to see someone you are not immediately attracted to. He may grow on you! Just be careful, it's not fair to sleep with someone you have no interest in... you may end up hurting his feelings. Trust sweetie, I've had "butterflies" for many a guy who turned out to be Mr. Oh-no-he-didn't!, and let plenty of "great but blah" men go because I was looking for some movie fantasy rather than reality. -the ceeg
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I felt no butterflies with my man until date #3! So I'd have to advise you to wait at least that long :)
JessNess JessNess 10 years
I think its different for everybody. I would suggest maybe going on a couple of dates. After that if you really arent feeling the guy but you like hanging out with him maybe suggest that you two remain friends and hang out. But there are definitly guys that you will know right away that you are not feeling
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