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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: Ex Best Friends or Forgive and Forget?

Hi Everybody,
I recently received a question from a reader that I am having trouble answering. Do you think that you can help me out?

Dear Sugar
My friend came to me sobbing the other day with a confession. She told me that she is pregnant with my ex boyfriend's baby. What makes this ever so troubling is that we just broke up three weeks ago. She swore to me that he didn't cheat, and that they hooked up after our break up was final. She profusely apologized to me, but I was so upset I just walked away. I feel angry and betrayed.

I don't believe that friend's shouldn't hook up with friend's ex's. Not only am I angry with both of them, but I'm sad that I've lost my friend. This is especially hard because I know that she needs me right now. She's pregnant with an awful guy's baby, and I can't imagine that he is being very supportive - (need I remind you that I broke up with him for a reason).

She and I have been friends for so long, part of me wants to just forget it and help her. Another part of me wants to completely get away from both of them. Am I horrible? What should I do, I am so confused. Unclear Chloe

Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 11 years
Wow. That is such a toughie. I really dont know what I would do. I think I would put her on the back burner for a little bit. Let her cool off and figure things out with herself (AND your ex BF) the last thing you need is to be tangled up in THEIR mess. When you feel ready, you can start to ease back in to talking to her again. I would really be hurt if my girlfriend did that to me. That is no friend to be doing something like that. When your ready, you better let her know that. GOOD LUCK!
Moongal Moongal 11 years
get away from both of them, run and run fast
sanD13 sanD13 11 years
I like Jen76's advice. When there isn't a clear choice to err on the side of doing good. Wise words Jen!
rkdub rkdub 11 years
ohhhh and for the record.....REAL friends DO NOT EVER sleep with their friends ex's, or date them, or talk to them unnecessarily, or even acknowledge their existence without getting your permission first....YOUR feelings matter too! Don't forget that....
rkdub rkdub 11 years
And remember.....when (or if...three weeks, no no no don't know your pregnant yet!!!) she has that baby and she's trying to take care of it and the dad is being a jerk or whatever, you have to remember how hard it is going to be to keep your mouth shut and be supportive.... if it were me, I would want to smack her upside the head more than be supportive when she is a single mom with no father in sight.... I couldn't do it. I would end up too frustrated with the situation and how stupid she was for getting herself into it! Everyone makes mistakes, but you dumped the guy for a reason, she should have learned he was a piece just from watching what you went through....
atoxicsparkle atoxicsparkle 11 years
i may sound completely harsh here, but i'd wish this chick luck and give her the walking papers. i've been screwed over way to many times by "friends" who came begging forgiveness, i forgive and help, then get sh*t on even more. no way, no how could i respect this chick anymore (if i was her friend), but that's just me :)
Advah Advah 11 years
It depends on how much you value your friendship. If you miss it too much and feel ready to get over this, even if it is painful, then have a good talk with her and try to clear things to know what really happened (did he/they really not cheated on you, why did she date him). We all make mistakes, and if she really regrets what she did and came back to you because she missed your complicity and not because she just needed a shoulder to cry on, you may regret later not talking to her. But if it causes too much pain or if you feel like she's not worth your frienship and trust, then don't bother. Leave them behind and go on with your life, she's an adult and you're not her mother, she should have known what she was doing. But no matter what you choose to do, I think you should consider only your friend and not your ex, it's now a question of you and her, not of you and him anymore.
honey31 honey31 11 years
Id dump my friend for good if that was me that is.Id forgive but I would no longer be a friend it would just be too hrad for me.
4cdawgs 4cdawgs 11 years
Doesn't she have any other friends? Did she have to come to you for support or was she trying to ask forgiveness? What if she were not pregnant, would she have told you that she slept with your ex? It sounds to me like she's just trying to clear herself before it becomes know to all.
savebrit2277 savebrit2277 11 years
WHOA very tough question. For one how close of friends could they have been if the girl is sleeping with her best friends ex? EVEN IF they weren't together when she did it, it was in a period of three weeks which to me is extremely rude. I can see if it was months or a year than the friend is over the guy. But THREE WEEKS I'm sure she was still hurt. Just like everybody else said, you should analyze your friendship and if she is really a true friend. But based upon this I don't know.....What else has she done in the past that she told you about, or think of what she might have done that she hasn't told you about...Hard situation. GOOD LUCK! :)
jennifer76 jennifer76 11 years
Woooow. This is a TOUGH one. I'm not worried about your "friend". But I do worry about the emotional toll that guilt, etc... will take on you if you send her packing. Because, it sounds like it will take a toll on you. This is one of those situations where there is NO right answer. And nothing will feel good. So, I say you err on the side of doing good and that would be to offer whatever support you can find in yourself for your friend.
herbiefrog herbiefrog 11 years
you sound very sensible... "I don't believe that friend's... " "shouldn't hook up with friend's ex's." i dont believe that either... anyone should be able to hook up with whoever they want whenever they want what is it with this ...society thing all have ...around your ...necks ok, lost now... what was the question? oh... babies : ) luv'em
bubblygirl bubblygirl 11 years
If she was a true friend she wouldnt have gotten pg w/ his baby and wouldnt have betrayed u it's a hard decission but maybe u should just stop talking to her she doesnt deserve it and is a bad friend if it were my friend my friend would be dead by but i would never talk to her again
bonkers bonkers 11 years
I agree with L7amiguita--they were hooking up way before three weeks ago. She's not a good friend to you. Ending any type of relationship is hard. Take time away from her to think about what you want to do. It's impossible to make a decision when you're this hurt and mad. Tell her you need a month to yourself to clear your head. Good luck.
findblancomeow findblancomeow 11 years
WOW. It sure is easy to say "give your 'friend' her walking papers" but when you factor in the emotional attachment, I'd have a hard time doing that when she needs someone too. I guess it just boils down to how long you've been friends and how GOOD of friends. And, uh, it doesn't sound that like that good. One thing to keep in mind is that this guy probably filled this girl's head full of lies about the state of the relationship with his girlfriend. He may have even told her they had broken up or "were on a break" well before they actually called it quits. Whatever Chloe decides to do about the friendship, she'd better be DAMN sure. Because if the friend has the baby and you aren't really ready to forgive her and put it in the past, there will be a very tangible result of her betrayal in 8 months (or maybe less, depending on how honest this chick is being)... it'll a lot harder to forgive and forget when the baby is screaming and crying...
missnomi missnomi 11 years
O Chloe, I can see why you are confused. Nicadema is right, you are the only one who can judge your friendship. If you feel that there is any chance that she is still also your friend, stay hers, otherwise just let her go, she's not worth you. I hope it will all work out for the best, you'll make the right decision. Trust your instinct.
a21mcgraw a21mcgraw 11 years
she is not a true friend. if she were, she would have never slept with your boyfriend. ex or not. i would tell her if she needs someone to go to the dad. and if he won't help, it's not your responsibility. you already have to go through the burden of a break up, now she wants you to go through her burden too? she is selfish.
L7amiguita L7amiguita 11 years
Puh-Lease! If she only slept with him 3 weeks ago, how does she know for SURE that she is pregnant? LIAR! Even if she slept with him 3 minutes after you broke up with him that makes it OK? Suddenly after you two aren't together she realizes that she has enough feelings for him to sleep with him? Trust me, they were fooling around while you two were just doesn't make sense to me. Forget her...she wanted to do the nasty with him, now she needs to suffer the consequences of her action. If she hadn't have gotten pregnant she NEVER would have told you!
Nicadema Nicadema 11 years
If she was a TRUE friend she would never have gone near him. Especially if he had a history of being awful to you and of being a jerk in general. So, she was very stupid. To not use birth control and protect herself? VERY VERY STUPID. If this happened only a week or two ago, then she has options. She doesn't have to have this baby. We still live in a world where choice is legal. As for the friendship? Only you know how strong that bond is. If the friendship was already unsteady--cut them off and move on with your life. Toxic people are toxic people. If she is a sister of the heart--then help her with her decision, eventually forgive her for her screw up and stupidity, and move on together.
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