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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: I Miss My Ex's Friendship But His Fiancee Hates Me

DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: I Miss My Ex's Friendship But His Fiancee Hates Me

DEARSUGAR and Slighted Skylar need your help. Her ex's fiancee's jealousy is getting so out of control that she is giving Skylar dirty looks whenever she runs into her. Skylar would like to put the past behind her and move on. She terribly misses her ex's friendship, but she's unsure how to handle the situation. What would you do?

Dear Sugar
About four years ago, the guy I'd been seeing for about six months and I split up because we realized we'd be better as friends than as a couple. We stayed very close friends for a few years. As a matter of fact, I considered him one of my best friends.

Last year, he abruptly stopped speaking to me. He wouldn't return my phone calls or emails. I found out from a mutual friend that he had begun to see someone new, and they were getting serious. I was happy for him (I, too, had begun to get serious with someone new) but was upset and confused about why he'd begun to avoid me.

Our mutual friend eventually reported back to me that my ex's new girlfriend didn't want him associating with me, or with any other women he'd ever dated. I was really hurt that my ex, my friend, would so willingly give up our friendship for another woman. I can even see where his girlfriend was coming from (she must be painfully insecure).

I eventually got over it. I was still upset, but I decided that a friend who'd give up on me so easily wasn't worth wasting my time feeling bad about. Since I never saw them anyway, it was easy to put the whole situation out of my mind.

A few months ago, though, I found out two things. First, that my ex and his jealous girlfriend had gotten engaged, and secondly, that they'd moved into an apartment just around the corner from where I live with my boyfriend. I've seen them together several times since then; at the market, in a restaurant and walking their dog - and each time, no words are spoken. He looks contrite, and she shoots daggers from her eyes at me.

I know that my ex is just doing what makes his fiancee happy. But now that I see them from time to time, it's hard for me not to feel strange. I'm angry that she's so controlling that he's not allowed to even say hello to me, and I'm hurt that he goes along with it. At this point they are engaged and I live with another man, there are no lingering romantic feelings between us and haven't been for years.

Should I just suck it up and feel uncomfortable every time I get dirty looks from his fiancee? Should I try to speak to him again? Or should I try something else entirely? Slighted Skyler

Join The Conversation
Jazsama Jazsama 10 years
Veronica81 - I agree. Kill'er with kindess. She obviously thinks you are hot, why else would she be snarling at you like a dog. By the way, if your ex was really your friend, I think his new lady friend wouldn't be an issue. SHE'S SO JEALOUS - HE'S SO LAME!!!
la_clique la_clique 10 years
Thanks, BeachBarbie! :D
SweetPeasMom SweetPeasMom 10 years
Let him go and suck it up. Don't do anything it will only make it worse.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 10 years
la_clique, That was great advice. I feel the same way. :)
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
And I promise I am not a jealous-type, and not typically a mean b*tch towards ex's!
Veronica81 Veronica81 10 years
I have been in this situation more than once. This worked the best: I ran into the happy couple at Target. I said hello to my ex, and warmly greeted the new girlfriend, giving her all sorts of attention and asking tons of questions about her. You just have to be the bigger person, and it sucks. You have to put yourself in the vulnerable position and hope the new girlfriend will be kind in return. She may just feel threatened by what you and her boyfriend shared once upon a time. So, showing more interest in her than your ex-boyfriend can help her to relax and know that it's all in the past. If you can't imagine doing that, maybe you still have feelings for the ex, and it is best that you accept the loss of the "friendship" and move on.
nycgirl nycgirl 10 years
This reminds me of a situation with my fiance's 'ex'. They went to college together and were the closest friends, and kinda-sorta thought about dating each other but never really 'went for it', and years later (we're talking 6 years) they are friends, but understand they would never have made it as a couple. I start dating him, I actually meet her (she comes over for Xmas) and then 7 months later he asks me to move in, and we have already gone ring shopping. The day after I move in he gets a phone call from her, saying she is in love with him, and thinks he's 'the one', and all that. Of course he rebuffs her gently, and I put my foot down that she is done with-- I met the girl! I understand where she is coming from, but on the receiving end, I felt personally insulted. So he is cut off from her (willingly, and he did send her a 'goodbye' email) and she's cried and called and emailed, but she won't get a response, and she just has to live with that.
KrissyThePirate KrissyThePirate 10 years
Yeah, I definately wouldn't want my boyfriend to be 'hanging out' with any ex. I don't care how long or little time you dated for. It's like what la-clique said, i wouldn't want to think about him with other chicks. I know he wouldn't do anything, but it's just the point. I went through the same EXACT thing though. And we had an awesome friendship until he started dating his current girlfriend, who--ta-dah didn't want him to hang out with me. I thought it was silly at first, but then I found my boyfriend, and can see where she comes from. It sucks, but thats what happens...They say you marry your best friend, so perhaps he found her, and unfortunately it's not you. Just move on from it, and go find a man that you can actually call your best friend and lover.
la_clique la_clique 10 years
Be civil, but get over it. She will win, and the whole situation will just keep getting worse. If she is that bad, they probably wont last anyway. :) Then you can hang out again! That being said, I wouldn't really want my BF to hang out with old girlfriends. I'm not insecure, I just don't like thinking about him with anyone else, and def don't want to hang out with her!
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 10 years
Sometimes that's what happens when an ex finds a new partner. You could be the best of friends but that still doesn't change the fact that he values his relationship with this woman over his friendship with you. He is engaged to be married and his fiance doesn't want you around. Which is understandable. However, I do question the depth of your friendship if he never even said a final goodbye or gave you any closure on the matter. Perhaps you were not as close as you might have thought. When you see them, I think it's best to say nothing. Clearly the woman is a little insecure if you're out of the picture and she still feels the need to give you dirty looks. You are no longer a "threat" to her, so I don't know why she would be so rude. Time to let him go. It is sad and rather unfortunate, but such is life.
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 10 years
Wow. I feel really bad for his fiancee if she's THAT insecure. Especially since you guys were only dating for six months, and it sounds like your breakup was mutual. I agree with what ChiTownEm says. Confront them, very politely.
Aracelly Aracelly 10 years
Obviously you are not wanted in their relationship anywhere. Respect it and move along. I've been in situations like this from all angles. The only thing to do is let it all go. Sucks... and easier said than done, but you have to. Then go buy some icecream on a cone and you'll forget all about it.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Ignore and look right through them or make smart ass comments about her whenever u see her loud enough that she can hear least then shell have a reason to dislike you. No Im kidding but just look right through them and ignore babes ------------------ Kiss my cucumber, or lick my arse, Im grouchy.
ChiTownEm ChiTownEm 10 years
I have an ex-boyfriend that is still a dear friend of mine, so I know how upset I would be. He has made the decision to avoid you so that he can be with the woman he loves, which is understandable, yet they should both be grown up enough to handle the situation with class. The next time I saw them I would say politely, "I know you don't like me and that you both wish to avoid me and that is fine. But I live in this neighborhood too, and you don't have the right to make me feel uncomfortable. Enough with the dirty looks. Goodbye." People like that tend to be dwarfed by directness and maturity. Good Luck and count your lucky stars you didn't get stuck with the guy with no backbone!
L7amiguita L7amiguita 10 years
Sorry, unfortunately that's what happens when your boyfriend/girlfriend becomes your ex. The current person he/she is dating comes first in regards to an ex flame. ESPECIALLY if he is going to get married to that person. He's not going to risk losing the person he plans to marry, just to keep an ex who is also a good friend. I kinda agree with his fiance, although not to the extent of giving you dirty looks. I wouldn't want someone who I was planning to marry to keep a close relationship with his ex either. Has nothing to do with trust or insecurity, but things can happen...we are all imperfect. Why put yourself in that position? Anyways, just go on with your life WITHOUT his friendship...I mean if you really need a close friend, you have your boyfriend. Don't try to ruin your ex's relationship with his fiance by making a scene...even though she sounds like a real pain in the butt! :)
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