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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: A Little Give and Take

DEARSUGAR and Anti Oral Sex Anita need your help. Her boyfriend isn't satisfied in the sack and he's asked her to perform oral sex on him. This is something that she not only dislikes, but really has no idea how to do it well. Since sex isn't just one sided, rather, it's a two way street, can you ladies help her out...but please, let's keep it tasteful.

Dear Sugar
I've been dating my boyfriend for six months now and we are having sex (great sex to be frank)! The problem is that he has told me that he thinks I am selfish in bed and I am not sure how to fix this. He tells me that he spoils me by giving me multiple orgasms multiple times and that he gives into me when I want to keep at it for hours on end (what can I say, I really love sex).

Neither one of us has performed oral sex on one another and I never ask him to do it because I really don't need it and also, I don't want to have to do it to him, I think it's awful. He tells me that he totally understands, however, recently, we had a long conversation and he told me that he really does want oral sex and he feels that it's selfish of me to abstain from it just because it's not my favorite thing to do.

I told him that he does a fabulous job of pleasing me and he told me that I don't fulfill him. He continued on to say that he feels that I don't go the extra mile to satisfy him and I was speechless. I really care about him and I want us both to be happy when it comes to sex.

I don't want to be selfish, I'm just not into doing it. I guess if I want to keep him though, I'd better start taking some action. Can you guys help me though. To be honest, I have no clue how to do it well. Can you please help me out? Anti Oral Sex Anita

Join The Conversation
sweetnsyrup sweetnsyrup 10 years
"maybe start by asking him not to come in your mouth" --Someone said this and let's be clear, he NEVER has to go in your mouth--Gross! Even if you're a seasoned pro! (does anyone really llike that?!) Most girls rightfully hate it. If you get to doing oral, like the poster above noted, just a few licks works wonders. If you put it in, just do it a few times--leave him wanting more which he can get with you with intercourse. The fact is gals, maybe less than 1% of guys DON'T love it. Remember all his nerve endings are pretty much right there at the tip. We have sexual feelings throughout our bodies--so it would be like our guys only touching are bodies but never kissing, licking them--wherever! I would recommend not making it a regular thing but do a few 'pops' and licks every now and then, maybe you'll get used to it. Also, make lots of eye contact--guys love that. Teasing like you're going to works great too! Personally I don't like oral on him that much but i love how it drives him crazy and want him to sometimes do that to me!
getstinko getstinko 10 years
lick it like a lollipop, you don't have to gag yourself
fashion_doll24 fashion_doll24 10 years
I suggest you just give it one more try. And like someone said: just for a little while, as a form of foreplay. that way you don't have to worry about him coming in your mouth, and that should help you to relax a bit. If you are really disgusted by the thought of this, why not shower together first? It can be really arousing to get naked and wet AND clean together before having sex. Maybe the knowledge that both of you are really clean makes it more acceptable for you?
Kratsina Kratsina 10 years
Oral sex is not everyone's cup of tea. A person should try it at least once and if she doesn't like performing it, she shouldn't do it again. She's not asking him to do anything to her that he dislikes so he shouldn't ask her to do the same. But she should at least find out if she doesn't mind performing it first. Also, there are flavored condoms that could help a first timer be a little less nervous.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
i don't think she's very selfish, Getstinko, but i do get the feeling that she hasn't had much experience with this. she should try it and if she absolutely hates, Hates, HATES it, then she should try to find some alternatives to please her man and go from there. but i totally agree with PopGoestheWorld!
getstinko getstinko 10 years
rock on popgoestheworld. sex and love are about communicating and compromise and working with the feedback you receive to fulfill the other persons desires. Anita seems to be getting some significant gratification, in my opinion oral sex is by no means a disgusting or demeaning act and it sounds like this dude has earned a return based on the multiple orgasms he gives her. For many men, the penis is the personification of his being, the thought of a woman being disgusted or disinterested in oral gratification can be a serious dagger. If the tables were turned and this guy only wanted to have intercourse and declined you oral sex, but you found intercourse to be fair but not the most fantastic thing - everyone on this board would be telling you to battle to the death to get your oral sex. I think you are very selfish.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
For the people saying someone who loves her shouldn't force her to do something she doesn't want to, I think that is not the case. From the way she phrased it, they had a nice, communicative conversation where he expressed an issue he is having. It doesn't sound like he threatened her. It sounds like he asked her, please, consider doing this because it would mean a lot to me. There is nothing wrong with that. Plus, the person who wrote this doesn't seem like she's experienced trauma with oral sex. She is saying that "it's not her favorite thing to do." Oral sex isn't on top of most womens lists of favorite things to do. I think it's entirely reasonable that he is asking her to try it. If we were talking to a girl whose boy wouldn't head down there to please her, I think we'd all be saying he needed to step up to the plate. I know some guys love giving girls oral sex, but most do it for the sole reason that it pleases their partner. Sure, sex is about emotion and all kinds of other things, but sex is about give and take and physically pleasing your partner as well. It sounds like he goes over the top to please her and he's just not getting this one need met, occasionally. I also think that people suggesting they break up are taking this way too far. They seem mostly sexually compatible and this is a small issue that they'll be able to work through. I don't buy the perfect puzzle piece. People can be fantastic together and still need to make adjustments for each other. It wouldn't be love if you didn't make some sacrifices for the person. And if you've never made a sacrifice you can't call it love.
rustedwings rustedwings 10 years
I agree with Advah, sex isn't about strictly the physicality of what's going on, its about you and your partner's emotional response to the physical and to eachother. In that light I don't really know what's going on with this guy that would make him say those things. Sexually, I think it's fine to want certain things, but sex is a negotiation of finding out what the other person likes and making the person feel comfortable first! Last time I checked the bedroom wasn't a place to be entitled to anything. Especially when he's not giving you any! lol I'd recommend you figure out what it is that you dislike about oral sex, maybe start by asking him not to come in your mouth, use it as foreplay for the already great sex you're having. But if he keeps talking about how he's spoiling you and you're selfish? It may not be the oral sex you're not comfortable with, it might be his bad attitude.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
i have to say that i used to hate giving oral sex but mostly it was because i hadn't done it! you have to do it with a guy that makes you comfortable and will work with you. my ex-boyfriend was very patient and let me take my time with it. i started off doing it for just a few minutes every once in awhile but once i started seeing how much it pleased him, it pleased me too. it's not something that i do all the time with my current bf but i do it pretty frequently and i have to say that i get turned on because i'm turning him on. plus, try having him perform on you. trust me, it'll be a great experience. good luck!
Advah Advah 10 years
IMO you shouldn't feel forced to do things you don't like in sex, and if your bf knows you don't want to perform oral sex then he shouldn't make you feel bad about not doing it. I agree with the first two comments, talk with him about trying other things first, make him understand that you do want to please him, but that maybe you need more time for oral or that it totally disgusts you. I couldn't appreciate my bf doings things that I know disgust him. After all great sex doesn't necessarily mean oral, and maybe trying other things with your bf will make him find out he actually likes something else even better? (and does my comment make sense? pretty difficult to write in English! :/)
Thoia Thoia 10 years
Well, I think you either start giving it to him - or he'll end up cheating on you. If a guy likes oral sex - he likes oral sex. And if you don't give it to him, I'm sure he'll get it elsewhere. However I do not think you should force yourself into doing something you describe as "awful". I agree with Katie225, there is probably a better suited guy out there for you.
katie225 katie225 10 years
i agree valeri, i think this guy deserves better. he deserves a girl that will give him back the energy that he's putting in. this chick needs to find a guy who doesn't like it. there's a perfect puzzle piece out there for everyone to fit to, so there's no use trying to force the matter.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
sexually it doesn't matter if what the other is asking, if you aren't comfortable that's the bottom line. if it's a deal breaker then it's best to find out now and move on. you say that you "think it's awful". why would you participate sexually that makes you feel awful? very unhealthy to force yourself into something just because you think it might help you "keep him".
hrhdiana hrhdiana 10 years
Maybe you could alternate this new endeavor with some new fun lingerie or other new things that might cater to him a little more. I don't know if you'd be comfortable but looking online at fun toys together or discussing other ways that he can be put first once in a while might take the pressure of just oral sex.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
I think that no matter how great the sex life is, a lot of guys simply love oral sex. I don't think he's being too unreasonable to ask you to do it from time to time. As for tips, I think there are probably a hundred Cosmo articles out there that cover the topic. For someone new to the task and not that excited about this, I'd recommend using a combination of your mouth and hands. Use your hand on the base and your mouth on the top. Also, don't just go straight to the bobbing up and down thing. The guys I have been with seem to want different sensations at first. They also seem to like to watch. It sounds like you guys are pretty open communication wise, so you could also ask him what he likes. It will get easier over time.
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