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DEARSUGAR Needs Your Help: Stuck In A Comfort Zone

DEARSUGAR and Antsy Arielle need your help. She is love with a crabby homebody of a man and she's getting bored sitting at home all of the time. The problem is that she really loves him and just wishes that he would compromise and go out more often with her. I know that some of you can relate to this topic. Do you have any advice for Arielle?

Dear Sugar
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly three years. We have been through every up and down imaginable together and I love him more than I have ever loved someone. The thing is, we have an eight year age difference between us (he is older).

I really think that he gets angry and frustrated with me because I am younger and am still at an age where I like to go out and try new things with my friends. There is no longer anymore romance or butterflies between us. Everything has become completely predictable.

He is more of a homebody. His idea of a good time, is a warm meal, watching TV together and snuggling in bed or on the couch. I want to go dancing and see the town! Don't get me wrong, I love being at home, but sometimes, its just not enough for me.

Since we don't live together, I spend a lot of time at home, just sulking, crying my eyes out because he doesn't want to do anything adventurous together. He tells me that I am ranting like a little brat and this angers me.

I've been putting up with his lack of interest in anything fun for so long that now I am really wondering if I still feel the same way about him. What do I do? How do I make him see that we should enjoy each other's company equally so that we are both happy? Antsy Arielle

Join The Conversation
aistea311 aistea311 10 years
Valeri, a spoiled brat gets what she wants though.
starvingidol starvingidol 10 years
Valeri, I couldn't agree more. Also, I can kill you with my brain.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
1) you're being unrealistic. you couldn't possibly "have been through every up and down imaginable". 2) marriage is predictable. that's why people get married; to have stability. you have permanent date for new years eve for the rest of your life! if you don't want predictability don't be in a permanent relationship. just flit from one partner to the next; very unpredictable. 3) it isn't that he doesn't like to have fun; you have different ides of what "fun" means. that won't change. and dearsugar, the man isn't the crabby one, the girl is; "sulking sitting home crying (her) eyes out" because she isn't getter her way. i agree with the man she sound's like a spoiled brat.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 10 years
There always comes a time when the butterflies fly off, honey. If there's nothing worth sticking around for afterwards, then it's time to fly off yourself.
starvingidol starvingidol 10 years
Why in the world would you sit at home crying your eyes out about this?!? It sucks that he doesn't want to go out, but it's not like he keeps you chained to the radiator! When you want to go out, call a couple of friends and go out. Tell him your plans, invite him to come with you and do what you feel. You're only young once, go out and enjoy your youth!! Also, I can kill you with my brain.
girodet girodet 10 years
My experience has shown me that couples do not give enough importance to having common interests. However, I do agree it is okay for couples to have their own interests, just not completely separate interests. If you have attempted to talk to him rationally, without emotional fits, and he still belittles your desire to go out, then you need to walk away permanently.

I would be concerned that you have been in an intense relationship for three years and still live separately. In addition, from what I can infer, you’re not making any long-term plans. Have you discussed marriage? Are you waiting to get out of college? It sounds to me like your relationship is in limbo. As others have suggested, you need to peer into the future and ask what you want. Don’t get confused with such intangibles such as “love,” “romance,” and “butterflies.”

Lindsb Lindsb 10 years
I think you should be okay going out with just your friends - it's okay if he doesn't want to go out all of the time. Maybe you could start easing him out by way of dinners or movies. I think you can most definitely make this work even if he stays in all the time and you're out all the time... if there is a strong emotional and physical connection this shouldn't matter. Just try to compromise..
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 10 years
I feel a little of what you are going through to a dmaller extent. I make a point to find fun things that he will do with with me, be it bowling, the movies, dinner, or whatever. I also try to go out with my girls once a week TINA!
stephanielynne stephanielynne 10 years
This is exactly like my best friend and her boyfriend. They are both 19, and i always tell her he'd make the best 40 year old. Not to insult 40 year olds, but all he likes to do is watch tv, dinner, or maybe go to a movie. Never goes out with our friends. I always tell her, this is when youre young and you are suppose to be having fun & be selfish, because you have the rest of your life to take care of your family. Thats how i feel about it!
Marci Marci 10 years
Well......why don't you go out with your friends once or twice a week? This way you're getting what you want and hopefully that will make you happier. If you're happier, you're not sulky or crying, which in turn should make him happier. You and him being happier makes for a happier relationship. Couples don't have to do everything together. And there are as many different types of relationships as there are people in them. So you and he can carve out the relationship that works best for both of your personalities. It may not be the way everyone else operates, but who cares? As long as you and he are happy with whatever arrangement you come to, that's all that matters.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
No matter how much you love him, a relationship has to be about long term compatibility. Ask yourself, can you see 50 more years of this? I was in a rut like this once, and at some point I realized I just wasn't going to make it the next 50 years with the guy. To me, it's not that you have different interests or ideas of a fun evening, it's more that he seems unwilling to compromise. The ability to talk things through and come to a compromise is extremely important in any relationship and moreso in a marriage. If breaking up is not an option, just go out with your friends when you feel like being out, and stay in with him when you are in the mood to relax.
honey31 honey31 10 years
My boyfriend likes to adventure out of the house thank God!My dad is 9 years older than my mom.He did not like going out but my Mom did and it really upset her that he did not want to go out side of the home.They have been married for 59 years!
yayita yayita 10 years
My BF is teh same way! he hates going out :oy:
martini-queenie martini-queenie 10 years
If you are eight years younger than him, you are probably less mature, and I don't mean that as an insult at all. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go out and have fun, and there's also nothing wrong with getting older and not being interested in that anymore! It sounds to me like you know what to do. Having been in love with someone once does not mean that you should stay with them forever!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
It's possible you two just have such different personalities that the relationship doesn't have much hope for the long-term. Although he is older than you it is pretty immature of him to see your interests as petty just because they are different than his. Is there something else you two can do together that you both think is fun, like going on a vacation together, or even going out to eat a couple of nites a week? Maybe he is ok with you going out dancing with girlfriends as long as he doesn't have to join you? If you can both compromise it is workable but if he wont go out ever and you are sick of sitting at home, maybe it's time to move on.
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