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Dating Best Friend's Brother

"I'm Involved With My Best Friend's Brother"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So I've been best friends with this girl for years. She has two brothers and a sister who is married and living in a different state. One brother is only a couple years older than she is, and this particular brother went to school with me before I'd even met her. One Summer, we were hanging out (she still lives with her parents) when this older brother came home. We hung out as a group for a little while, but at some point, things changed; he was inviting me out alone.

When I would spend the night with her, I would get a text from him asking to meet me somewhere, and we'd talk or just hang out, and each time, we got closer and closer (tickle fights, holding hands, etc.). One such outing, he had me sneak out of her house in the middle of the night, and we made a road trip to a different city. And he went up this really long road, and at the top was such a beautiful view of the river. He told me he had fallen for me, and he kissed me. One thing led to another, and we made love in his car.


As far as my best friend knows, nothing ever happened between us, and we're merely "acquaintances." I feel horribly guilty because prior to any of this, my best friend had confided in me that several of her friends met her brother and fell in love with him, rejecting her for him even though he wasn't the slightest bit interested. Am I a bad person for not having told her any of this? Should I continue seeing him (and yes, we are still seeing each other) or break it off? I don't think she would be happy, and I don't want to lose her friendship over this. I'd rather pick her over him if it came down to it, so should I break it off and find someone else or continue the way it's going?

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livygrace livygrace 5 years
First of all I want to commend you for not throwing yourself full throttle into something irreversible with her brother. I've been exactly where you are and did everything the wrong way and lost both the brother and the best friend.  You know one thing- that you value your friendship more than the romance with the brother. Work from this place. If you really feel that you could have something special with her brother, talk to him. Make sure he is on the same page and that he will be in this with you. Ask yourself the same thing. How invested are you? Is this a passing crush? Or is it more? If the answer is less than passionate from either side, end it right now. If she finds out independently of you telling her it will potentially create irreversible damage to your friendship. Remember you don't want to lose her.  If both her brother and yourself feel that you have something special, then sit her down (include the brother!) and have a real conversation with her. Make sure she knows how important she is to you, and ask her for her "blessing". Even though its not her choice how her brother and you develop a relationship, taking her feelings into consideration and asking for permission will help her to understand how important this is to both of you. Illustrating your respect for her will help to smooth the road.  Just be sure, because you have a lot to lose. Best of luck to you my friend. 
henna-red henna-red 5 years
We're all idiots at 12! That's how we learn. :) Sounds to me as though it's the secrecy is what's making this all so to your boyfriend, see if he wants to go public....And then, I agree, be honest. You value both of these people, and if they value you, you won't have to choose. Of course, jealousy is what was making ms. bubbles mad at's not always about hot steamy love affairs, but, as she says, the fear of losing someones valued attention and companionship. Been there myself. good luck
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 5 years
You need to talk with your hook-up/her brother. Is this something he even wants anyone else to know about? Do you want to go public or is it not that kind of thing? What do the two of you want? Your friend's feelings? I'm not sure but it seems you think your friend will be upset by this relationship. It shouldn't be a negative. You would think she'd be thrilled her best friend and her brother get along...and maybe someday become sisters-in law! I was in this situation, but I was 12 years old and it was weird as hell. My best-friend was 14 and my brother 16. Now I wish he had stayed with her, I loved them both and she was VERY cool. She could have been family. But for some reason I was MAD. I felt like I was losing them both because they were so infatuated with each to her. Now of course I realize I was an idiot -- she would have been the best sister-in-law! I was 12. That's about the only age that reaction might make sense...but still it's a silly reaction that you should not base your life on!
BiWife BiWife 5 years
just be honest. if you value your friendship, you will tell her the truth. you can't just hide a relationship with a family member of hers and expect things to turn out well. just because other people had fallen for her brother and been 'bad friends' to her afterwards, doesn't mean that is what you will do. it is possible to date someone and still maintain friendships with other people, so I don't see how you would have to choose between your bf and your bff.
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