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Dating a Guy Who's in a Sham Marriage

Group Therapy: Dating a Guy Who's in a Sham Marriage

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been seeing this guy for over 2 months now and he told me something that no woman ever wants to hear from the guy that she is dating. He told me he is married.

Now when you first hear that all you want to do is just smack them in the face, but for some reason I let him explain. He said the reason why he did it was to help a friend from back home get their citizenship. (He recently received his about 6 years earlier.) I am just rather confused because him and I have spent a lot of time together in the past 2 months, including the fact he flew me to a different state where he was working for a month and I stayed with him for a week or so.


He also talks of future plans, traveling out of the country to see his family and friends. I'm not looking for marriage anytime soon or anything I am just looking for a partner I am comfortable and just to have fun with. But honestly, is it wrong for me to even involve myself in such a relationship for all parties involved?

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egyptianmusk egyptianmusk 6 years
I was in a very similar situation as you a few years ago, when I was involved with a man who told me that he was married after a few months being together. He explained to me that he got married to help a friend to obtain citizenship. I was shocked and angry when I first heard his story, but I chose to stay for some reason, perhaps because they were separated at that moment. I was 19 years old back then and didn't know what love really means or have capability to love. I chose to stay because I was confused, lost and most of all, feeling lonely. Looking back I wouldn't make the same decision because the relationship was doomed from the beginning - he was unable to provide any committment and future. No matter what reason he gives you, no matter how great guy he seems to be, he is married. You might not have marriage in your mind right now, but you probably will one day and you will regret how you've spent years with him and missed out chances to look for the right person. He won't give what you need. You deserve to be with a man with whom you can freely enjoy the pleasure of being in love and a relationship -- sleeping over at each other's places, cooking together, taking a long trip, or simply being with each other anytime you want. I guess it comes down to one question: is this guy able to give you what you want?
lezlo lezlo 6 years
First off: how do you feel about immigration? Plenty of people marry for citizenship. And plenty of people become residents and work very hard to earn their citizenship. And some people just sneak in and live their lives. I'm not proposing you favor any method over another, but I am asking you to perhaps think about what it means to you, your stance, ad how the current situation you are in makes you feel. Secondly, how do you feel that a guy put you in this kind of position? When I think of the word friend I don't think of someone who would do this to me. But you are you and I am me so this is just how I feel. But you might want to meditate on what kinds of friendships you have, what kind you want, and how you and the other person would treat eachother in that relationship. If this relationship is what you want and you feel that being treated this way is within your boundries then your fine, but if you still can't shake this than it's not OK and he's overstepped a massive boundary with you. Lastly, there is a marriage involved. Two people making a binding contract and choosing to be yolked together as one. Big deal. If this is a "sham" marriage or a marriage for a purpose other than love then you should be able to meet the other lady. So that's what I would ask this man about: Can I meet her? I'd like to talk to her. If he's uncomfortble with that then that might be a problem. If you're just looking for fun then why do you have to keep this guy around? Plenty of fish in the sea. If that's not the case then maybe you aren't being honest about you're feelings with him. Or maybe the fact he told you about something so personal points to the fact he actually wants to be serious with you- in which case it wouldn't be fare to him if you weren't honest about what you wanted either. SO...think about it.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
@Sheissofine, they are not really married. It's one of those contract marriages. They got married so she could get her citizenship. I will recommend for you to do some research on your own and find out if what he told you was the truth. It if it's, I agree with Karlotta. But just make sure that what he told you is the truth.
karlotta karlotta 6 years
Of course he wasn't going to tell you right away - what he did was illegal, and could get him in a world of trouble. So the fact he confessed means he cares about you and trusts you. Points in his favor. He did something huge for a friend - another point in his favor. It means he's loyal, compassionate, and makes sacrifices for the people he loves. Finally, if they got married so she could get papers, she'll have them soon and they'll be able to divorce. So he'll be available to marry for real afterwards. I know a lot of people who did this. You guys have no idea how hard it can be to immigrate to the US; sometimes the laws are really unfair. So I say kudos to him for doing something so big, for coming clean, and for sounding like such a nice, committed boyfriend.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
Him keeping secrets is the red flag. Be very careful Here. If you get any more of these, I'd exit immediately.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
Oh come on, he's not a damn murderer! You don't know what country he came from, you don't know what country she came from. If someone is in danger of persecution or struggling to provide for their family in their home country and you think committing the lesser of two evil makes him nothing but a common criminal... all I can say is I hope you can stop looking at the world as black and white like that. My aunt was engaged to a 'married' foreign man, he and his American 'wife' lived together as brotherly roommates and my aunt was good friends with the 'wife.' She never married him for unrelated reasons- but my point is- I wouldn't rule this guy out so soon. But if you can't meet his 'wife'... then run. Maybe he waited to tell her because he didn't want to scare her off before she got a chance to know him. It's a delicate situation, there's no 'right' way to handle it. Maybe he had to wait to make sure she wasn't going to run to the immigration department and rat him out, I think he's playing it as cool and honest as he can under the circumstances.
vizslalvr vizslalvr 6 years
I'm with Mali01. The fact that he is married - regardless of the circumstances - is bad enough. The fact that he's a criminal is worse. There's also a very, very good chance he's lying about how casual his marriage is. Because criminals and lying go hand in hand.
Mali01 Mali01 6 years
Doesn't anyone else care that this guy is committing a Federal Offense in fraudulently marrying someone for their citizenship? Even if he's telling the truth, he's a felon, and stupid enough to admit it to someone he's known for 2 months. Run.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 6 years
I'm all for helping people from countries with no human rights. And I understand that there are always shades of grey. But as far as I know, marrying someone just for citizenship is also illegal. To me, this is a mark against the guy. The second mark against him is that he didn't tell you his status on the second or third date. There is no third mark against him...that you've mentioned...yet. Everyone above is right. You gotta call his bluff and find out whether his wife knows how he describes his marriage to other people. Don't just take his word for it. Even if all you want is fun, you deserve to spend your time with a trustworthy person.
secondstar secondstar 6 years
Just make sure that the wife also agrees that it's just for citizenship, and that the're not emotionally involved. If it's just a sham she'll be fine with him seeing other people, she's probably doing it herself.
shreerose shreerose 6 years
You should feel bad. Now that you know the truth, how would you feel if you were the wife? Dump him, he's dishonest.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with Natalie Love. OP, have you met his wife? Do they have an agreement that they can see other people since the marriage is for citizenship purposes only? I agree with JoeTyndall that you should be able to walk into a restaurant with him and be ok with running into his wife. If everything is clear about that, then I see no problem having relations with this man. However, if the wife in this sham marriage would not approve, I'd be on guard. It will likely end up a messy situation all around if that's the case.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 6 years
To be honest, I know people who've done a sham marriage to get a person out of a really bad situation in another country where human rights are near non existent. The guy married her, as she was his friend from childhood to give her a chance in happiness, and she and all her family knew they were friends and nothing else, and it was very very clear. So what now, the guy is never allowed his own happiness? Never allowed to have a gf ever again? I think the comments don't understand the meaning of a sham marriage... Everyone tends to know about it in the family... And there's no cheating involved if they see someone else! They're not even dating!
testadura67 testadura67 6 years
You could skip a lot of trouble about guessing what's ok by insisting on meeting his wife who's just a friend. She might not want to risk losing her citizenship when it comes out that the marriage was a sham, if that is in fact the case. Since he didn't feel the need to saying anything about it for 2 months, I'd be concerned about his abilities for full disclosure.
aliciatx aliciatx 6 years
I also don't agree with the previous comments. I think she means that her bf married the wife so that the *wife* could get citizenship (he already has his). IF he's telling the truth (and that's still to be determined) then the wife didn't marry for love and probably wouldn't mind if he's dating someone, there's nothing that he's hiding from her and so he is not being unfaithful, it's just a marriage of convenience. It worries me that it took him 2 months to say that he was married, but maybe he didnt want to freak out his gf. It's an unusual situation for sure. If he introduces his wife to the GF and she sees that it really is a "business" arrangement then I think there's nothing wrong with it.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
If the marriage is only a 'business agreement,' then he should have no problem hiding hig girlfriend from his wife. The OP should ask him if everything would be OK if he and the OP went to a restaurant and his wife happened to see them there.
monicaaimee monicaaimee 6 years
I don't agree with the previous comments entirely. It all depends if he is telling the truth or not. I did it. I married my friend to give him his citizenship and I just didn't worry about getting divorced for a long time and I told the two people I got involved with in the lapse of the 10 years I was married for (I married at 18) and as they knew I was telling the truth, they didn't care. Maybe he can have you talk to the person, meet her, show you the paperwork... and even if he was married for love, if he is on his own now, maybe he is separated... so that is my opinion
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
It's only wrong if he's hiding the whole thing from his 'wife.' You see, if he and his wife both had an arrangement (if he married her for citizenship then he probably paid her if this is strictly business), then, since you're not even into this for the long term, it's cool, but if he's hiding you from his wife, then yes, darlin', I think it'll be a problem since it'll be a real marriage. Just be careful. It doesn't sound like it's heading to a good ending.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 6 years
JoeTyndall...I agree. When you're in a relationship, there should be honesty. No playing games or manipulative stuff. You should be able to walk down the street without having to hide anything. It should be all out in the open. He sounds like he's playing them both. And, OP, I believe that what goes around comes around. Be careful.
SheIsSoFine SheIsSoFine 6 years
As a married woman, I have to say that you should probably find somebody else....a person who is single and unattached. I say this with love. I'm not judging you, especially because you didn't know he was married. He is not only being unfaithful to his wife. He was also being dishonest with you. Sorry, but I don't see it as "respectable" that he finally decided to tell you about his marital status after seeing you for over two months now. He should have been up front with you from the start. Be very careful. This guy doesn't sound very trustworthy. It doesn't matter why he married his wife. What matters is that he is married. And for all you know, he could be making up the citizenship story. If you're simply looking for somebody to have fun with, I recommend finding a man who is single and available. Being involved with a married man is asking for trouble.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, You should only be in relationships where you can freely walk down the street with your boyfriend and not be afraid of who you meet. It is only a matter of time until the two of you are out on the town and you aree spotted by one of her friends or relatives. When that happens, he might dump you rather quickly. Or he might become so needy and clingy on you that you get sick and tired of it very quickly. I'm afraid this is a time bomb just waiting to go off. I also think it was very dishonest of him to not tell you for a long time. He also waited until you became emotionally attached to you before telling you, which was also a very dishonest thing to do. You have to start dealing with the fact that you are dealing with a dishonest person.
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