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Dating Regrets Advice

Group Therapy: I Wish I Could Take Back Everything I Said

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I tried to start dating someone only 2 weeks after ending a 6-year, serious relationship. Obviously, it didn't go well. My head was all over the place. We fell out of contact for a bit, then I ended up asking for a casual/FWB relationship (although we hadn't even had sex yet). He said "maybe" because of some legit concerns related to our sports team's strict no-dating policy, and because he was not sure our feelings/expectations would end up lining up afterward. Later I told him "hey you can just say no if you aren't up for seeing each other again, it's not a big deal," and he kept insisting "no, no — it's just not good timing for me right now."

Honestly, I feel like he shied away because he doesn't just want casual sex with me and did actually want more. Now all I want is to tell this guy the things I never said. "I didn't want to make you my random rebound, that's why I initially said I needed to 'take things slow' and wouldn't sleep with you early on. But now I've had time on my own to figure stuff out, and all I know is I had fun hanging out with you and would like to do it again." I want to take back everything I said about only wanting a casual relationship. I just think we could be PERFECT together.

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holisti holisti 5 years
My ex treated me so well that I really don't understand this. Men talk to you, act romantic and sweet for multiple days even if they never want to actually commit to you? how on earth are you supposed to tell the difference?! although I guess this guy was only inviting me to last minute group plans, & calling me over late at night... maybe that was my clue if he didn't want to see me one-on-one.
holisti holisti 5 years
I just got bored with my ex but I knew deep Down- KNEW- he was the most solid man in the world who would love me forever. Haha, isn't this hilarious. He told me The other guy sounded like a jerk all along. He was there for me to pick up the pieces, write me texts reminding me I'm Worth so much more & he's proud of me for backing out of sleeping w the guy. Now he's dating someone else bc he says he needs to "learn from my experiences like u did." but just this past week he went out to a bar w me, kissed me. I don't know maybe he still does love me too
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
You broke a sincere man's heart to obsess over another who doesn't even want to be with you. You make women look REALLY bad, and I hope you know that. 6 years probably wasted with a man who even you said you were in a proper relationship with. Are you saying you don't want a proper relationship anymore? Because forcing yourself on this guy is going to give you just that. You're ASKING for drama, and being anywhere CLOSE to this guy is definitely not going to be 'safe', especially fory our emotional well-being, which probably doesn't even exist anymore. Or ever. You need to get over the fact that you made the wrong moves, he realized a second too late that he didn't want a stalker, and get on with your sorry excuse of a life. You asked for advice five fucking times. We gave it to you. For the love of PUPPIES AND KITTENS get your ass off this forum, or move on with your life. You're pissing everyone off with your ridiculous excuses to fuck a jackass.
holisti holisti 5 years
I went on a real dTe this weekend and now I can tell the difference more than before, guuys who are happy to plan dates and spend time with u not just late at night... I see that this other guy simply was never willing to work for a relationship in the same way. So then why would I take casually hanging out w him over 20 dates w someone else? When I told him I was happy w sex and once weekly hangouts, I wasn't lying. I was in a proper relationship for years w a man who treated me well and was "safe." I just don't want to replicate that same feeling right now..: but I STILL couldn't get myself to have sex w that guy when I didn't think he'd still b around in the morning.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
If he seriously wanted to be with you, he'd have made it happen. Stop making excuses for the jackass of a guy who couldn't be straight forward with you. My man had a chance to work with Elise Estrada and he turned her down because he wanted to go to a concert with me. A week later, he asked me out. If a man wants something, HE WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY TO GET IT. WHen you turned him down for sex, he made his decision right there: you're not worth his time. Don't tell me because he was drunk, he couldn't have made any decisions...BULLSHIT. If he were really interested in you, HE WOULD WORK HARDER. But he didn't, and you answering his call when he was drunk, whether or not you knew it...he never wanted a relationship with you. Get that in your tiny little head, PLEASE. He didn't want to commit to you to begin with! He just wanted SEX!!!!!!1111
holisti holisti 5 years
If i were wring
holisti holisti 5 years
He probably just freaked out because we were playing on team together at the time and he knew how much Trouble he would Get in. Plus after I turned him down for Going to his bedroom, he figured I wasnt that into him Anyhow so he backed off waiting for me to make the moves. But he doesn't even want a relationship right now... Basically he'a scared of commitment and needs Time to process s it all.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
Don't take that crap. It's BECAUSE you did that makes you an idiot. You gave up your respect for yourself for a lame excuse of a gentleman, which is what ALL women deserve, no matter how stupid they are He tried to be polite. And as mentioned two dates don't mean ANYTHING. If he seriously wanted you, he would have contacted you by now. That's the simplicity of guys: either they want it or they don't. And if they want it, they know how to get it. Women analyze this sort of thing TOO MUCH, and you went WAAAAY over the cliff. More than any human being would. What is it you want to hear, holisti?! For us to tell you to go get him? Because we suggested that too and you STILL don't want to accept that. There have been suggestions for mental counselling, and personally, I think you'd do all of us the biggest possible favor if you invested in that. And for heavens sake. I'm not one to force advice on anyone, but YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME OF THIS ADVICE! If you don't take all of it, fine. 2% would do. Seriously.
holisti holisti 5 years
Why is my judgment so pathetic? "He held my hand, gave me his jacket to wear & then keep... He must genuinely like me. No other alternative." All I was hoping for in our last conversation, was for him to basically admit his true colors. Then I could end all speculation and just get mad avout being played. But no, of course he gives me the kind smile & the refusal to just agree we shouldn't hang out outside of games again.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
He's a jerk, and you're an idiot. Plain and simple.
holisti holisti 5 years
Oh ok now what u said makes sense! I thought u were implying he wanted a relationship w me up until, like, our last conversation. Ha. Because I realize now that a guy who wants a girl as his GF wiuldve taken what I said and told the girl, "listen it's fine," & he would've suggested going out for dinner or coffee instead to avoid making the girl feel like he was "only" interested in coming over for sex. Though I still maintain this guy is weird for not simply saying "ya we can't go out ever again bc of the sports team, a few people are already onto us I think," or another excuse. He has totally legit excuses he's failing to use instead of just "no no, just bad timing now..." because knowing circumstances it's so very possible for thT to be true & we both know it.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
He got drunk to test you. You didn't give him what he wanted (SEX.) so he said 'Aiite dawg, I'm outta here.' When you kept asking him for more (RELATIONSHIP), and for something he didn't even want to begin with, you freaked him out. BIG TIME. He's just telling you all that aftermath stuff because he's trying to get you to leave without having to be mean. Keep this up, and he WILL get mean. Like I did. I'm done being nice to you because you refuse to give up on a guy that is NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. In fact, I'll stick around, just to yell at you more if you'd like. Keep posting. Let's do it.
holisti holisti 5 years
how did i do that though?! honestly.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
When you made yourself look like a stalker.
holisti holisti 5 years
at what point did he "change his mind"?
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 5 years
He liked you, tehyn changed his mind. It's in his head taht you're stalking him. You lost your chance. If you get into a serious relationship within the next year or two, you're going to screw yourself over. Someone said that you need to find yourself, and I agree. 6 years off the market...if you keep your focus on men like you are now, you're going to lose yourself. Your self-respect is already gone. Don't fuck up anymore. And for the record, I'm NOT sorry I'm being harsh. You've already crossed the line as far as posing this 5 TIMES (thank you BW for the fix) and everyone's getting annoyed. I know I am, and if you STILL don't get it, I'm unsubbing too. Final answer.
holisti holisti 5 years
Also -- honestly, I really did not ask for "casual sex." I simply reminded him that I wasn't looking to be super-serious right now... I said "I liked you, I did not just want sex -- I was happy hanging out maybe once a week or so." All I was doing is clarifying that, yes, I was up for what HE had put on the table -- i.e. sex -- even though I'd previously rejected him for it when I came over that night.
holisti holisti 5 years
Thank you all so much. Realized I was so desperate to be with this guy after breaking up w/my ex & feeling lonely. I've now been on 3 dates w/ 3 different men in the last week. The thing is, my new dating experiences have NOT made me less convinced that Booty-Call Guy really could end up wanting to date me. For one thing, I'm really excited to go out with 1 of the new guys, but I keep putting it off & saying I'm busy (& not making any future plans) because work really is that busy... and when I do have time free, I either want "me" time, or I'm out with my friends on weekends. Guess what? That's the exact same stuff Booty-Call Guy told me. I've been thinking, "I'm too busy for a relationship right now but maybe later on I would be interested, so I'm gonna let him know I'm busy and I don't want to commit to real plans now but maybe in a few weeks who knows." Also there's a 4th guy who wants a date with me but I'm just not that into him. I'd never dream of telling him "Timing just isn't good right now, since work is busy and I'm not really looking to date." Instead I'm going to tell him that he's an awesome friend but we're better as friends, so that I don't leave the door open. Definitely NOT what Booty-Call Guy told me. Seriously guys... this is confusing me.
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
Yeah. In the beginning he was the one trying. You know what? Feelings change all of the time, day to day. Even with love, you can be really in love with someone and those feelings can change one day. At least you realize he does not want a commitment from you. That's progress. You think people on here are against you but we're actually trying to protect you. I see so many of these stories with my female friends. Guys that don't give a damn about them and it's obvious to everyone but them. Then later down the road something devastating happens, like he's been seeing other people all along, leaves her for someone he likes more, gets someone pregnant etc. . I don't know you personally but you sound vulnerable and a little naive and I would hate to see this guy really hurt you. Just my take on things. Good luck
holisti holisti 5 years
Makes no sense when previously HE was the one trying to date/hook up With ME. Given that history, he is not turning down coming over because he doesn't "like" me. It's much more likely that he just realizes i actually want something more serious than he can give right now, so he's not gonna get Into hookup kind of thing until/if he ever feels He's at a place in life where he can offer more commitment. I just had this happen w another guy friend in life. He said he wasn't gonna go out alone w me until he felt ready to date people again bc of the physical temptation. Factor.
jenjen82 jenjen82 5 years
I agree with everyone else and want to add the obvious. If a guy is interested in you and you go and say lets have sex just for fun, he will take you up on the offer! Trust me on this one. Spare yourself future humuliation and drop the subject. Being off the market for 6 years has really made you clueless at the dating thing!
searching-soul searching-soul 5 years
I agree with BW on this one. This is really pathetic. Sorry to be harsh but it is. I rejected my boyfriend of two years because I had just got out of a relationship. On top of that we worked for the same company. The situation was not ideal but he still pursued me even after I told him " I don't think the timing is right". Like someone said if a dude really wanted to date you he would.Your self esteem is shot and perhaps you need to stop worrying about dating guys and focus on healing from the past six years. You are looking for someone to fill an obvious void in you, that's why you are so obsessed. I have a feeling that this guy might be sensing something stalkerish or desperate coming from you that you might not think you are giving off. It's a huge turnoff. If he does let you in his life he will most likely use you and abuse you because he does'nt respect you. Why should he? Your'e not even treating yourself with kindness or respect by begging some guy to date/hookup with you. What man in his right mind would find that attractive? You have a lot of soul searching to do.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
Oh, honey. Please go talk to your high school counselor.
ChrissyLee ChrissyLee 5 years
I think you screwed this one up for good. This man seems like he knows what he wants and he's not going to want to be with someone as fickle as you have been. You going back to him and telling him you changed your mind actually is embarrassing for you and I highly doubt it will have the result you want. You've figured out yourself now and know that you're ready for a relationship, but it's probably not going to be with this guy. He's not going to be able to forget your words, just try to be friends.
BrownEyedBabe BrownEyedBabe 5 years
Most guys are pussies when it comes letting a girl down (excuse my language and no offense, men!) They don't want to hurt your feelings. Most of them dance around the issue but won't give you a straight up, "I don't want to date you." That's what this guy is doing. He's trying to be nice and hope you get the picture but you don't. He's giving you all these excuses but you won't listen. If he wanted to be with you, he'd be with you. He would leap over the moon and do everything he could to be with you. "He's just not that into you". Please, leave the dating scene and work on yourself right now.
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