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Dating For Three Months But Not His Girlfriend

Group Therapy: Dating For 3 Months, but No GF Title

This question is an excerpt from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My man and I have been dating steadily for 3 months and we've known each other for longer.  We've been intimate, I chill with his friends and he hangs with mine.  I've met his family (I'm going to a wedding this weekend with him for his cousin).

He's told me the reason why he doesn't want to "rush" into something is because he doesn't want to get hurt.  His ex destroyed him, but I'm not the type of girl to do that.  He says he knows that when we get into a relationship it will be a long one... so he's making sure...?  But it's driving me crazy that we are still not a couple because we're not in a monogamous relationship.  Neither of us aren't being monogamous but it's freaking me out.  I trust him, but how much longer should this go on?  All I want is to be his formal girlfriend.  Just so I don't have to be called a friend anymore, because I feel like so much more.

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I want to respect his space and thoughts... I just want to know how much longer should this really take?

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luisamapacha luisamapacha 7 years
Actions speak louder than words. He's making it very clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. Time to decide if you're okay hanging on like this for the rest of your life.
actionandy actionandy 7 years
ps. I agree with teramichelle! Men like that do need to grow up and be in an adult relationship - and hopefully adults in other aspects of their lives. I dated that guy 3 years ago and today he's no farther along in school and is no where close to a career. Not all guys are so stunted but I'm just glad I didn't waste more time with that one.
actionandy actionandy 7 years
I had the same problem for a year and half. I was his "girlfriend for free". I broke up with him numerous times because he couldn't give me the title and he always come back. I'd take him back hoping this time he'd give me what I wanted. Wrong. He finally admitted to me that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. I was done. If your relationship has gotten to the "girlfriend for free" I say break up with him and show him what he's missing. If he comes back demand more of him up front before you take him back rather than silently hoping like me.
katialoves katialoves 7 years
if it was me, i'd push the issue somehow...either by cooling off ... or subtly nagging... whatever you think would work with him waiting would be alright too, just keep your eyes on him and what he does/says this is why i wait for marriage before sex.... ok jk not marriage but 'gf-bf' is a must
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
The double negative throws the reader off, but I think she meant they are monogamous. I also think you shouldn't worry so much about titles. It sounds like you are already dating. When you get older you don't have the "omg be my girlfriend" talk any more. It just happens. If you've had talks about not sleeping with other people then you are basically in a relationship. His friends know what's up and so does his family. Let it slide. Listen when he introduces you and eventually you'll hear the word girlfriend. If he doesn't say it while introducing you within the next two months leave him.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
Oh, I totally read that wrong. I thought the OP said they WERE both being monogamous, but just weren't calling eachother boyfriend/girlfriend. Well, that kind of changes my outlook. If neither of you are being monogamous and he doesn't want a girlfriend, then I think he's just looking to have fun right now. If it's a boyfriend you want, find someone who is more ready to commit.
teramichelle teramichelle 7 years
I was in a similar situation with a guy. After six months, he wanted to be monogamous but not be my b/f. He said he loved me, but would back off whenever I'd suggest we do something "couple-y" like go on a picnic ("That's what couples do and we're not a couple"). RIDICULOUS. I'm sorry I stayed for so long. Men like that need to grow up and learn how to be in an adult relationship. People may assert that labels shouldn't matter, but if you can't identify what you're doing, how are you supposed to be able to make any sense of where you are and where you're going? Life's too short and you're too fabulous to waste your time with someone who's hot and cold about how committed he wants to be to you. The sooner you cut your losses, the sooner you'll find a man who does appreciate you!
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 7 years
I meant "having a title is a big deal to him"
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 7 years
Hmmm... I think around 2-4 months would be a good time to have that talk. You guys are already acting like bf/gf so I don't know why having a title is a big deal. This doesn't sound like a casual relationship since you are already met his family and going to a wedding so yes, a title would be important. If you are going to the wedding and someone asks him "Who is this girl you are with?" how is he going to respond? "A friend I've known for 3 months and decided to bring to a wedding?" That is pretty awkward. I think after 2-4 months when there is no title to a relationship, then something is fishy. I disagree with people that say you shouldn't worry about the title and that you should just enjoy the ride because it doesn't sound like a casual relationship/fwb/fb if you are meeting his parents and all. It's important to have a title because one day, you might see him with another woman by accident and he will say something along the lines of "we were never seeing each other exclusively so I thought we can see whomever we want."
whats-her-name whats-her-name 7 years
I'm sorry, but the "I got hurt, don't do it to me again" play is far too worn out. It's sad he was hurt, yes, but for God's sake man up already!
Gdeeaz Gdeeaz 7 years
runningesq, she said "Neither of us aren't being monogamous". I am pretty sure that means they are monogamous. OP, why is it so important for you to have the title of girlfriend? I know being called the girlfriend is nice but how is it really going to change your relationship with this guy?
runningesq runningesq 7 years
mrsld, I think the OP said that they are NOT monogamous currently. and to the OP: sorry, but I think it's a "he's just not that into you" .. and I've found the "I'm afraid of getting hurt" thing to be BS.
nicole121482 nicole121482 7 years
Stop worrying so much about titles...just enjoy the relationship and either it will all fall into place or it won't...nothing to be done about it. Just enjoy the relationship for what it is and live in the moment...
yediyedi yediyedi 7 years
I went through something very similar with my current boyfriend. I didn't claim the role as "girlfriend" for almost 4 months, much to my confusion. It was really hard to accept the slow pace that he set for us, as I was used to relationships that went from 0 to 60 in 3 days! My therapist kept me calm, told me to be patient, and warned that I was definitely having some attachment anxiety. Our relationship grew slowly over the months, and we sort of accidentally started referring to each other as girlfriend and boyfriend. But leading up to that, it was always I who had to initiate any sort of "define the relationship" talk. Like, "Are you dating other people? Are you looking to date other people? Are we exclusive?" In all these conversations, it was like he was emotionally dense and just didn't get it. I had to really spell things out to understand him. I would have to say, "For example, if a guy asked me out next week, would you be hurt if I went?" Maybe he didn't understand fancy words like "exclusive?" Ha! Anyways, after a year of a relationship that has gone along at this slow pace, I'm contemplating breaking it off. Because even after we were "boyfriend/girlfriend," there were plenty of other issues for him to drag his feet on: our future, his opening up emotionally, the "love" word... All of this to say : It may be that this is just the first of many ways he will be emotionally closed off to you. Even though you can build up a great friendship and share lots of interests and activities, you may never have "love." And that's sad. I don't know what the answer is, but I think it's time for a "talk" of some kind. You're NOT asking for too much, remember that!
Raynne413 Raynne413 7 years
Personally, I always find the "I'm scared of being hurt" excuse just that. . . an excuse. It sounds as if he's having fun, but he doesn't want any kind of commitment to you, so he's free to come and go as he pleases, and go back to the "well, we aren't technically in a relationship" reasoning. I've been in plenty of relationships that ended badly, and you know what? When I met my current boyfriend, I knew that I wanted something long-term with him, and that he was TOTALLY worth the risk of it not working out.
mrsld mrsld 7 years
What's your hurry? Why the need for a title? If he isn't with anyone else, why are you scared? It seems that he is being honest with you so I say relax and let things happen as they will. If you plan on being with someone for a long time (potentially forever) then what is the big damn hurry?
jazzytummy jazzytummy 7 years
I don't think he is into you, sorry. Any guy who is into a woman doesn't want her seeing other men, period. You say both of you are not monogamous. You are a FWB at this point, and he is making the tried and true excuses, like " I don't want to get hurt again, blah,blah,blah, which keeps you on hold, still sleeping with him with no commitment on his part, and he's able to sleep with other people.. Definitely need to have the talk, and if /when he says no to an exclusive relationship, you can move on if that is what you want.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
I think it's time for the exclusivity talk... He sounds like he's really into you, but some people are just really freaked out by putting labels on things. And rather than approach it in a more "scary" I-think-we-need-to-talk way, try to turn the whole thing into something really positive. For example, after a sweet kiss or romantic moment, say something like, "I care about you so much, I'd love nothing more than to officially be the one who is there for you as your girlfriend!" I figure if he's iffy about the relationship thing, the less pressure the subject is approached with, the better his reaction might be. But do prepare yourself for his possible declining of your offer. If he's not ready to embrace the idea of a relationship, then I agree with nevaeh-- it is up to you as to whether or not you want to wait around for him. Good luck!
lblond lblond 7 years
doesn't want a title after 3 months?? is he just dating you, or does he not want a title with you and the 3 others he has on the side? commitment issue or two-timer?? get the info and confront him on that, and then go from there. if it's just you in his life and you trust him, then maybe he does have commitment issues. if he acts sketchy, get out while you still can
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
People's timeline differs, so I can't say if it's reasonable or unreasonable. The 'longest' I waited to get exclusive was 1 1/2 month. My husband asked to get exclusive (monogamous-stop dating others) within a week after our date and (yes, we hang out more than just that one date). I'm sure others have different timeline. But yeah, here is my opinion: 1) He's not destroyed, imho. Isn't he dating you, sharing things with you emotionally, able to actually talk about his past relationships, which means to me that he has the capability to trust you enough to open up, yes? Moving on with a new girl--you--? Is he capable to perform sexually? Did his ex destroy his ability to perform? But she didn't perform a Lorena Bobbit on him, did she? What's 'destroyed' meaning to him? Did his ex destroy his ability to work and be a decent part of society? What did she do? Entrap him with a crime he didn't commit and he's paying for it? Simply put, I think your 'man,' needs to take up some responsibilities and stop blaming everything on his ex. Or you need to use the 'ex,' as an excuse for him just because he's not willing to commit to you (yet or forever). I know it's easier and less offensive to blame on the ex, but in the end the responsibilities lay on him. 2) He's not that into you/he knows you're not going anywhere/he's taking you for granted because he knows you're a good girl and a good friend to him. My suggestion is, unless you're actually prepared to walk away, is to suffer some more in anxiety of non-exclusive relationship and wait wait wait...let's be honest here, others who say to you to enjoy the relationship as it is, to just 'let go,' while a good advice, I know where your mind is, you're stuck at the 'scared' part. So how can you be truly enjoying yourself being stuck in this mindset while you're still with him? Unless you're somewhat ready to really know the truth and to actually walk away from him if the non-relationship isn't fulfilling to you, you guys probably need another discussion. He may need a little 'push' to the bf territory, perhaps he can think about it while you guys are on a 'break,' well, not really a 'break,' since you guys aren't a couple. Just have another talk with the guy, telling him what you really think and feel, don't censor it. If he's still not ready it'll be your choice to wait around some more (like what I suggested above or prepare to walk away). Good luck and happy 4th!
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