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Dealing With Problematic Bridesmaid

Group Therapy: Dealing With Problem Bridesmaid

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I have an upcoming out-of-town wedding in Nov. I have chosen 3 bridesmaids and 1 MOH for my wedding. Since it's an out-of-town wedding, my friends have to fly there at their expense. My fiance and I are trying to cover up as much expense as possible. I paid for the bridsmaids' dresses, makeup and their hotel stay....etc

I have my in-law families to help out with my wedding planning and my future mother-in-law ended up choosing a completely different color theme decoration from what I have chosen for bridesmaid dress color. My future-mother-in-law is in love with her choices. She is doing the wedding planning for me, I can hardly turn her down with her decision. So now I end up buying the second sets of bridesmaid dresses to match with the color theme (double the costs) What is next, I am told that I should be buying shoes for the bridesmaids too. (I agree that it would look much nicer when everyone from the bridal party dress the same) I didn't want to add up expenses to my wedding party, so I am planning to buy the shoes again.....


Finally after spending an afternoon to look up on the internet I found a pair of shoes that 2 of the bridesmaids like. (and fits my budget) of bridesmaid with the shortest height refuses to wear the same shoe since she wants a higher heel than the rest of the team....I am very frustrated with this bridesmaid now...(originally I didn't ask her to be one of my wedding party, but since she already asked me to be hers..and she hinted that she was upset that I didn't ask her to be my bridesmaid) I chose her just because of that reason and she is the only one with a lot of free time.

To see the rest of the dilemma,


Anyways, I just find her very greedy because she was testing whether I am paying for her airplane ticket as well, and she kept on asking me how much I got for the bridesmaid dresses, and said "how did you find those cheap dress stores?" The dresses were around $100 cdn each and I don't think it's cheap. I mean as a gift, she shouldn't be asking that question. I find it very rude!! I really thought of turning her down as bridesmaid but she is a gf of my fiance's bestman...!!! My fiance kept telling me to be considerate and he doesn't want to end up losing his bestman!!!  I feel like I've had enough, besides the stress from planning the wedding, I still have to deal with bridesmaid problems...I am the bride and I feel I have no say....and have to please everyone!!  How should I deal with this?

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Janine22 Janine22 7 years
Ok, seriously you need to grow a backbone, realize this is your wedding and stop letting everyone walk all over you. While I do not think it is a good idea to tell her that you no longer want her as your bridesmaid, you should stand up to her and your future mother in law and realize that this your wedding and therefore it should always be YOUR choice. Good luck.
dootsie dootsie 7 years
You chose a bridesmaid because she elbowed her way in--why does it surprise you that she's still elbowing?
lanwa lanwa 7 years
Well, you need to purchase some backbone too sweetie, b/c if MIL is steamrolling your plans now, just wait until after you sign on the dotted line. As far as the bridesmaid thing goes..ask Ms. Kravitz if SHE"S buying the shoes, and decide if you care one way or the other-if it is a deal breaker for you- let her know that she can either "buy the shoes you've picked out, but that you understand if she can no longer participate"... that seems clear enough, and let your fiancee know that you're having doubts b/c of all the unexpected "changes" not made by you...tell him it doesn't feel like YOUR wedding, and you don't know if you want to do this anymore...if he can't support something as simple as your color choice(why is his mother changing anything? is she getting married?)and stand up to his Mom,this will be the first of MANY problems you'll be having before your divorce. You two have to work together as a team- it's you and him against the world(or it's supposed to be...). But you teach people how to treat you. Where is you MOH? Whenever I'm the MOH, I'm also security and the pitbull so the bride can still feel like getting married at the end of the day-where's YOUR TEAM? Find them, have a chat, ask for support, let your MOH be the "Badguy" and tell MIL "No, that's not right....X's choice was specifically .....XYZ..."Good luck, you're gonna need it, this is just the party before the life- what are you going to do when REAL stuff comes up, and trust me buttercup, It's driving a Big truck in your prepared,have a plan, and surround yourself with people who will support you, not attck you.
chloe-bella chloe-bella 7 years
I think you should forget about buying them shoes and just give them general guidelines ("everyone wear gold strappy heels," etc.). Why did your mother-in-law pick "her" color scheme after you had already purchased the bridesmaid dresses? I think it's great that you're not a bridezilla, but you need to be a little more assertive, or people are going to keep walking all over you.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 7 years
This sounds like a job for Madea.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 7 years
You are possibly the most patient person on planet Earth because I would have snapped at this point! She is being utterly silly in this entire process. You have been very generous thus far and I think it would be best to just cooly and calmy tell her, "I am the one purchasing the outfits for my bridesmaids, these shoes are of no cost to you, and I really want my bridesmaids to match. These are the shoes I would like you to wear for my wedding." End of story. A lot of times short, direct, and to-the-point is the best shutter-upper in the world (especially for girls... girls are wordsy people and like to drag things out, and when I really want someone to get my point, I keep it short & sincere. It just stops them in their tracks and they know you mean business). In other words, I agree with Joe. Keep it short, sincere, look her in the eye. She should back off. If she doesn't, I'd say let her opt out of the wedding if she's going to throw such a huge fuss over a damned pair of shoes she isn't even having to pay for. It's one less pain in the ass you have to worry about.
Rwandawithlove Rwandawithlove 7 years
I am sorry but you are sounding really petty. So a bridesmaid is cheap and nosy and you are losing your cool about this? It is no big deal for her to wear higher heeled shoes, just give her the color swatch and tell her to buy the higher heels herself. I think you have misdirected anger, your future mother-in-law is the one who changed the color scheme of your wedding, you should be mad at her.
stephley stephley 7 years
I'd stand back and ask why I'm letting all these other people run amok with my wedding - I'd rather elope than try to adjust dresses to a decorating theme that didn't consider my choices, and attendants who have their own agendas concerning how they should look.
KadBunny KadBunny 7 years
I don't know what to say. Bridesmaids can be so ridiculous. I get that women can have varying tastes in fashion but the range is so limited in weddings; can a bride really pick out shoes that are so horrendous that a bridesmaid can think it's OKAY to complain about them? Even when they're FREE? the nerve! I don't have a ton of experience with the politics of weddings but I will say that if you put your foot down about these things, it's totally okay. It's your wedding for cripes sake. Good luck. :(
medenginer medenginer 7 years
I would communicate with my MIL more often to avoid any future misunderstandings and be more involved in the planning so your vision gets carried out instead of hers. As far as the bridesmaid goes I would explain this is your dress/shoe of choice. Explain that she needs to be dressed in same attire as the rest of the bridal party to coordinate since everything has already been decided or find her own attire that coordinates at her own cost.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
That was way harsh. Oftentimes weddings are "out of town" simply because people move away from each other. Most of the time the bridal party is expected to pay their own way and hotel stay. Also, it's super generous to pay for the dress. That's usually not the norm. Same with shoes. The fact that this girl is even complaining about the shoes when she doesn't have to pay for them and it's not her wedding is really rude.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 7 years
So she doesn't want to wear the same style shoes, but will she be willing to wear the same colored one? Compromise since you're trying to please your fiancee too? I know you don't like this gal, but since your fiancee asks you too (since he doesn't want to lose a bestman), what can I say..either you go with your own wants, or think about what your fiancee wants. OR compromise. Look at things in a cooler head instead of getting frustrated over a pretty minor snafu. How about take a day off to unwind, to regroup. You sound like you need it.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
Sorry if that sounded harsh. I just don't agree with the concept of modern weddings, especially in this economy. Also, the onslaught of wedding related posts on Tres is getting to me.
mix-tape mix-tape 7 years
I am going to take a different stance on this than everyone else. It's your wedding which means YOU decided to go through with the long distance ceremony fully knowing it was going to cost extra for everyone to fly there FOR YOUR DAY. Also, you called the bridesmaid's dress a gift! If I've been selected to be in a friend's wedding it's NOT because I'm expecting a fancy dress at the expense of the bride. The chances are the bridesmaids wouldn't have even picked out that dress themselves. Furthermore, the shoes don't have to be identical and cost you or anyone extra. That again was your PREFERENCE in how you wanted things to look, so you take on that cost. If you truly want things to go your way then you will have to sacrifice feelings of others and also how light your pocket is after the wedding. This is how bridezillas come to be.
EmilieLove EmilieLove 7 years
Remember that this is YOUR wedding. In the end, you're the one who's going to come out with the most important memories of it. I would try what Joe suggested--it's polite, yet to the point--but if she keeps it up, I think that you need to sit her down and have a talk. Your wedding day should be all about you--you shouldn't be worrying about some irritating comment a bridesmaid made when you're walking down the aisle. And as nice as it is for your mother-in-law to help you so much in planning the wedding, you might want to sit down and have a talk with her too. It doesn't have to be confrontational in anyway--just explain gently that you would like to work with her when it comes to making decisions about the wedding (especially since you're footing so much of the bill). It's not fair to you at all that you had to spend double the money on a second set of dresses just because someone else decided on a different color scheme for your big day (although I definitely wouldn't say that outright). So be nice to the people who are helping you, but know when it's time to stand up for what you want. Considering how much money you're putting into this wedding, I would definitely say that you've earned it!
tlsgirl tlsgirl 7 years
That's not a bad idea Joe. Personally, I think you've had the patience of a saint. I would have kicked her ungrateful behind out of my wedding party a long time ago.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 7 years
When she asks a rude question, just tell her, "Don't worry about it." I have found this to be very effective. And make sure you use strong eye contact when you tell her this.
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