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Dear Poll: Would You Marry Before Taking Him For a Test Drive?

I just found out that a friend of mine has not had sex with her fiancé yet. If you're thinking that she's saving herself for marriage, you're wrong! Both she and her fiancé have done the deed, just not with each other — they are holding out in hopes of making their wedding night all the more special.
Of course to each's own but with so many marriages ending in divorce, don't you think it would behoove them to test the waters so to speak before saying I do? What if the sex is terrible? What if they have absolutely no chemistry in the bedroom? What if he can't meet her needs, or vice versa? Clearly I'd rather be safe than sorry, but what about you? Would you ever get married to a man you've never slept with?


Join The Conversation
Frank-y-Ava Frank-y-Ava 9 years
I've already had sex so if i was looking to marry someone i'd want to know how he lives and how he is in bed. But that's just me.
injustica injustica 9 years
I'm with pamelamarie in that I don't think that not having sex before marriage could ruin your relationship. My boyfriend and I have had sex, although we have since stopped, and have decided to wait until we're married to continue. It just seems right to wait, I guess. I know my situation is different in that I already know that he's great in the sack, but we had talked about marriage and made definite long-term plans before we had ever even thought of sleeping together. I think that if two people are willing to work together enough to be married in the first place, then they both also have to be willing to share what they like and don't like in bed, and if pleasing each other is the main goal, it can't go wrong.
Jacinthe Jacinthe 9 years
I'm of the opinion that marriage without sex first is a bad plan.
keiramoe keiramoe 9 years
I don't really see the point in waiting if you've already gone and done the deed w/ other people. I would want to be sure the guy Im pledging myself to for life knows what he's doing and doesn't have any weird quirks. I wonder how in depth they've discussed this, and how far they've already gone(do they fool around at all? Have they just been kissing all this time?). And as far as saving yourself for marriage-it's great to think you're going to teach eachother things and explore the sexual universe together, but theres such a great chance of not being sexually compatible it seems like too big a risk. Just because you love eachother doesn't mean you'll still want to get it on a couple years down the road.
alex1984 alex1984 9 years
I agree with all the Sex and the City references...I pretty much practice SATC as my religion...I can't imagine taking the huge step of marriage without having sex first, I don't really understand the whole saving yourself thing anyways...all you are doing is denying yourselves pleasure....I am sooo not old fashion...hahhah
pamelamarie88 pamelamarie88 9 years
I've only ever been with my husband, but before we ever had sex we completely discussed our fantasies. I really don't think that not having sex before marriage could make or break a relationship. If this person is the right person for you, it shouldn't matter how inexperienced you both are- as long as you are both willing to try different things in hopes of pleasing each other, it should work. My husband and I were completely miss-matched sex wise, he goes for an hour, me I take 2 minutes, but after much fun trying new things, I can truthfully say I am 100% satisfied! Don't get me wrong, I am not knocking ppl that do have sex before marriage, it's all a very personal choice.
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
I guess I'm not the "love will conquer all" or idealistic type. Sometimes there's no fixing a lack of sexual chemistry. You can tell yourself you're okay with it, I guess, and get used to it, but you can't make it magically appear, no matter how much you might love every other aspect of a person. I am eternally grateful I didn't marry the other guy, because with my fiance, I feel like I've hit the jackpot to get such a great guy, who also rocks my world, so to speak. And yeah, I'm looking forward to an amazing wedding night and honeymoon...I'd hate the awkwardness of sleeping with him for the first time. It wouldn't have been as relaxed or romantic, IMO. I understand that some wait for religious reasons, though.
demonkitty18 demonkitty18 9 years
Well, in my opinion sex doesn't make the marriage love does. That not might guarantee a great sex life but if two people really love each other wouldn't they work on it together to keep each other satisfied? I could never just dump someone because the sex was bad- if i really loved him I would try n work it out sumhow.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 9 years
"Saving yourself" equals bad sex and endless complications in my mind. But then again I'm not an American and I think there is far too much pressure on women regarding sex in this world. Both to have it and not to have it! Rise up sisters and claim your climax / cuddle time!
krys786 krys786 9 years
I agree with ElizabethRae. I wish more people respected the sacredness of sex. On the other hand, I have soooo many friends who have sex before marriage and they are awesome people! So, I can see where they are coming from...I just wouldn't "take a test drive" before marriage. Sex should NEVER be referred to in that way!
Lovaajn Lovaajn 9 years
Nooooooo!!! It would ruin the marriage for me. I can't IMAGINE losing my v-card on my wedding night, or...having to DEAL with someone who is losing their v-card on the wedding night. It would be terrible. Out of the six of my friends who have gotten hitched, one waited until the wedding night (he was the virgin) and she secretly confided to me that it was TERRIBLE! He hardly got it in before the ol' big explosion, then he was kaput for the night. The rest of my friends didn't even do it on their wedding night because they were all too exhausted to even think about it. But, they did make up for it on the honeymoon. I'm cool with Virginity...but, I figure, the minute you get engaged, hit that, figure it out, and if it continues to suck, get out. Sorry, but sex is too important to a relationship.
partysugar partysugar 9 years
No way, and I happen to know this friend of Dear's and I think she is crazy!
I couldn't do that- but more power to her! I completely respect people who wait, but I would need to know. I dated a guy for a while and we waited a couple of months to have sex. The relationship was fantastic, but the sex was AWFUL. No matter what we tried, it didn't work. Sometimes people just don't fit. I'm not so sure about the "love will make sex great" thing either- I dated some one in college who I fought with all the time, but had amazing sex with. I do agree that being love or caring deeply for some one can take it to another more meaningful level though, and that makes it more special.
JLovely84 JLovely84 9 years
I don't care HOW IN LOVE I may be! If the nookie ain't right... I'm going to fall out of love. I can't imagine being with someone for 50 years if it just wasn't there. My goodness, we have to make sure our privates want to marry each other too. What if he is horrible or he has a small, small, super small with no knowledge of what to do with it. Sorry, just can't do it. I want a man who will rock my world!
brittanyk brittanyk 9 years
I'm not a virgin, but my fiance is. He doesn't want to have sex before we get married for religious reasons. I love him and I respect that, so we're not going to have sex before we get married. I realize that sex is important to making a relationship work - but I feel like we would have realized by now that we were incompatible sexually through whatever else we do.
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 9 years
I need to test drive the man, sorry! A few years ago I had a crush on this one guy for a long time and we had so much in common and there was a lot of attraction, etc, but eventually we had sex and after that, it just didn't work. No good! Not compatible in bed one single bit.
kiwitwist kiwitwist 9 years
I waited until I found my husband. I didn't wait until marriage but I knew I was going to marry him. I think "whatever floats your boat" and I agree with ElizabethRae.
Bookish Bookish 9 years
I suppose I'm not a romantic person- I don't think love is a guarantee of good sex. Sexual compatibility is a must, for me. I would want to have fun on my honeymoon, not awkward terrible sex (how is that romantic, again?).
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
My first time was awful, there is absolutely no way i would want to ruin my wedding day with that. As far as two nonvirgins waiting until their wedding day to have sex with each other - meh. If that is what floats their egos, then good luck to them.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
nope, no how. I would have never settled for someone with whom I had no or bad sex with....I deserve to have hot sex damnit! not akward sex! definitely have sex before tying the knot. I've dated guys who I didn't sleep with for a while and when I did, it was SUUUUCH a let-down. I'm aaaaaaall good now! :) and for those who say "if the love is there, then the sex should be good"....sometimes love is not enough, u know? But for those who are married and going strong....congrats.
caseyjay430 caseyjay430 9 years
i definitely dont think i could wait!(well too late now anyway) My cousin just got married 3 weeks ago her and her fiance were both virgins and their honeymoon sucked when it came to that. She said it hurt the whole time and luckily he was being patient with her. I just think it would be way better to have a rockin honeymoon, plus its what makes your relationship more "everything" before you marry!
brown_eyed_grrl brown_eyed_grrl 9 years
I've been with two men, and one is my fiance. The first guy I was with was AWFUL. And he was not a virgin. We were together for a year, and it never got any better, despite communication, etc. I had MAYBE five orgasms during that relationship. Things really started going downhill for a variety of reasons, but one big one was that I no longer wanted to sleep with him anymore because it was just that unsatisfying. My fiance now does everything right. Sexual compatability is important to me. Obviously it's not the only thing that makes a relationship work, but it is a very important piece of the puzzle. I can't imagine what I would do if I married someone, only to have the chemistry I had in that first relationship. Yeah, I wanna test the waters.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I need sex. Sorry but I couldn't do this!
indielove indielove 9 years
i agree with oh cecilia baby and elizabeth rae. i think a true test of love is if both people can agree to do this and stick to it, no cheating on each other anything of the sort. no matter what the majority says, it does strengthen the bond between those two people if they are really that committed to each other and willing to wait for the other. also, it's really romantic! i'm an old fashioned gal when it comes to love yet I don't like mushiness and saying 'i love you' all the time. that's not me, i'd rather say it a couple times and really mean it than saying it repetitively, just to sound sweet. real love is tough, it's understanding your SO, sticking by them, being loyal to them and letting nothing come between you two.
oh-cecilia-baby oh-cecilia-baby 9 years
and elizabeth rae, i agree completely!!!
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